Push and pull

[Chocolatebunnie]

I am in a calm period and have pulled away, although calm there’s still problems it’s not perfect.

I constantly have going around in my head all the things that I must remember he’s done, so to get me and the kids out of this.

Basically I’m not questioning things now I just know and except we can’t live like this anymore

I’ve distanced myself physically as it’s my only way to stay strong, emotionally I’m not so sure I’m trying.

Thing is he’s made it easier, had a minor accident took him two days to ask how I was. Been ill not really sympathetic and no physical contact which is very unkind and cold. So he’s has made it easier to me distance myself just now.

Until last night when he said we were distant and seemed sad, it’s immediately upset me, I’m hurt he seems hurt. Trying so hard to understand this and the pushing and pulling that comes with it.

[Bananaboat]

I think this is one of the hardest elements as it is what causes us to stay, creates that fog/confusion, the hope that he is the person I thought and not a monster but as you say, that other side is always near. I’ve used this description several times on here but it really struck a chord with me when Dr Ramani explained. When we play a slot machine or one of those toy grabbers, we play knowing the chance of winning is slim…but there’s a chance, we might know someone who won or heard a story of someone winning, so we keep playing. The machine keeps taking our money until we finally walk away. The nice side hooks us in, keeps us playing but ultimately there’s a slim to no chance of winning. It’s so hard but it’s also ok to have bad days, keep focusing on what’s best for you not him. x

[searchingforhope]

Oh God Chocolatebunnie, I think that’s actually where I am right now. Isn’t it so emotionally exhausting. (Detail removed by moderator).
It’s baffling how someone can be like that, I don’t think I’m unreasonable thinking if he really wanted to make things work with me that he would do something to support me now.

That’s so cruel not asking you how you are after the accident, if he’s hurt that things are distant surely would he not be worried about you after an accident. Where is the sense in that. It just doesn’t seem logical does it. So then that leads to the confusion.

I’m not sure what to advise when I’m struggling in a similar situation, but what I have done today is right down the red flags again and things I’ve a problem with, to remind me that there are problems there.
Emotionally it is so hard and I’m really feeling that at the moment too.
It’s horrible to think so many women are in similar situations.

Like Bananaboat said, keep focusing on you and the kids and do little things for you. Hopefully every day will bring more clarity and strength.
Sending you love x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for the replies x

he’s know I’m unhappy and asked me.

I’ve told him most recent things that upset me as in the post, but not all. I felt pressured to say, he wouldn’t allow me to not discuss it. I said I was worried about his reaction.

I’m mixed feelings as felt it was a chance to end things, I didn’t. But he knows. The though was overwhelming and I felt extremely panicked.

I’m partly kicking myself but it felt like the wrong time. I feel bad that I’m not been honest as he’s upset too am I stringing him along as he might say.

We do have a problem with intimacy, I’ve posted previously about this and there is pressure amongst over issues.

The pressure is back on to be intimate, it feels like it’s a goal post for him, a indicator maybe, for him that everything is still ok. To me it feels like he counts the days checking to see how long it’s been since. He makes it a problem, he makes me feel guilty. I explained there were reasons for this. Why is this a be all end all for affection?

But there is no other intimacy if there is it’s rare!

I’m in a spin now it’s been nice and calm until now, it’s been nice being distant and in my own space. Looks like that’s not going to be the case now.

[searchingforhope]

Hi Chocolatebunnie

It’s unreal how similar to my situation that sounds, counting the days between being intimate or how often and what the “normal” number of times per week or per month is.

I’m not sure how to advise you as I like you just go into a spin when I’m confronted by him. i crumble and can’t bring out the words, even though a voice in my head is shouting, just say it to him, just tell him it’s over. It’s so difficult when I’m considering the kids.
I’ve tried telling him I’m afraid to talk to him, only for him to snap back what have i ever done to make you afraid. But it’s the manipulation, the twisting of words, turning things back on me, lack of accountability, dismissing my feelings. It makes it so hard to speak up then and I’ve huge trust issues now, which he just doesn’t understand.

Only thing that I can think of is go easy on yourself. I’m trying to learn that for myself now. I’m my own worst critic. If the time felt wrong, then it felt wrong.
In the right moment you will do it. Try take a few deep breaths, (easy for me to say I know)

Be kind to yourself. Take care x*x

Sending love

[Chocolatebunnie]

Your post says it all searchingforhope. I relate with all of what you write, it is exactly how I would describe things, the crumbling and the twisting of words, lack of accountablitly all of what you say is what i’m experiencing. He does not stop at throwing things back at me making me out to be just as bad and doesn’t hide anything I might like to keep between us secret.

Its that confrontation i was avoiding.

I just was not ready.

You’re right to say there will be a right time, just not now.

Take care and Hugs x*x

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