Putting things into perspective

[Serenity]

My ex was mainly a covert abuser- engaging in mental abuse, though it did spill out into physical aggression at times ( with him breaking things, driving fast, being aggressive towards children and really hurting me but disguising it as a joke).

I suppose that the things he did in the early years when we lived far away from my friends and family could be classed as more obviouusly physical : punching walls, breaking plates etc. Over the years, this evolved into a more cleverly meted out campaign of mental and emotional abuse. Of course, he projected the blame on to me and like many of us ladies, I had become so injured psychologically that I did question myself a lot.

When he walked out for the final time ( he was often doing this, but this time I took steps to divorce him), there was an onslaught of verbal abuse that went on for months and months. It was severe in its aggression. It was horrific. I went into shock and PTSD. I had to get an injunction out, fight for my home and kids, etc.

What has hindered me is the feeling sometimes that the accusations he made were somehow true. At low moments, I wonder whether he had a point, and I began to dislike myself.

I think what makes it easier to blame myself at times is that he wasn’t – overall- openly aggressive to me in public, and relied upon mental abuse and coercion so much. If he’d have been severely beating me black and blue every month or breaking furniture regularly, it would be easier to see the abusive dynamics and to have pinned the aggression and unhealthy control on him.

Today, I read an article about a lady in Australia, Tara Corrigan, who was killed by her ex whilst she was holding her baby in her arms. He’s never hit her before, apparently. The first time he was physical with her was when he killed her. But the severity of his language was enough for her to have got an injunction out on him in the weeks leading up to her death.

This case has helped me to realise that we need to trust our instincts and not let things be clouded by self blame. Just because our abuser hasn’t been hugely violent, it doesn’t mean it’s not abuse and it doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of horrendous things. The strength of their language towards us is indicative of their own unhealthy angry issues and unhealthy attitudes towards us and maybe women in general. We can’t minimise it- and we need to see that the severity of their language is what shows them as perpetrators.

[Nova]

Thanks Serenity for this post…your speaking to me…about my recent past. Your right in your choice of words, I agree, this is how emotional abuse is like a poisonous infusion, dripped from the abuser, turned off & on like an electric shock. A dosage administered …just enough to keep us confused and dangling on their string.

..it’s difficult…and an experience no doubt that has the long long lasting effects on us desired by them, and NOT forever.
It’s torturous and deeply heart breaking the stories we relay the pain and soul searching is the journey to our freedom. It’s not easy it’s hard, and we will find a new path, and until that time no doubt I will question myself, was I right to leave, was he THAT bad? We had so many things that we shared even good parts…but always at the end of the happy…as you say too often came the sad unpredictable/predictable anger hurt bewilderment confusion …realisation, it’s Going no where, it’s ugly. I have to get out, when is the best time…there never is a best time…just go, it’s always going to be painful.
There’s no easy way, it’s unacceptable, you’ve given your all and more and still…this catastrophe which becomes just …life.
It profound and terrible to have to be involved in any part of the abusive trauma…to be ‘bonded’ by hurt from someone you loved.

A friend (removed by moderator)…said to me, oh you stayed a long time…considering it was that’bad’..I’m like…this is what we are up against Serenity…no wonder we question ourselves…Society,support, isolation.. no understanding…our own understanding…its vast & multi layered, complex and overwhelming.

Thanks for posting this, very thought provoking.
It’s on my mind today too.

Hugs

Cx

[Falling Skys]

Thank you for this post, I have spent the last few months in turmoil doubting myself and that it must be me. Im trying so hard to pull myself out of it, but its a definite knock on effect.

I feel at times the door brace and alarms are over kill but it just takes that one time.

FSx

[Nova]

I just read about Tara. Totally heartbreaking.

Cx

[KIP.]

Hi there. Just wanted to say I lived with the very real threat of violence from him. That’s why it didn’t escalate, because I always gave in to him to prevent it escalating. When I wanted to leave and wouldn’t change my mind, it was then he showed his true violent side. There was a red mist that came over him and he totally lost control. I was so traumatised that I didn’t realise I was putting myself in such danger. He would always be reasonable (love bombing) and I was sure he would suddenly become reasonable again. Not realising his being reasonable only came when he got his own way.

[Jupiter]

I feel inspired by all of your posts and realise just how wicked damaging and complex abuse is. We struggle with it and others try to magic it away. Every kind of abuse is devastating but covert is mind boggling because it goes unseen placing other interpretations on it.Our relatives do it and we doubt it since it is not solid or black and white.
(detail removed by Moderator)
I am considering what to do to protect my small granddaughter from my ex -they are not local and my fear is that he will damage her with his nasty covert ways. I also realise that I am the family scapegoat and my estranged sibling is in with ex along with my other son.Recently when I explained the basic psychology of my sister, me and our mother–who are exs cohorts- my son shouted down the phone -Just listen to yourself!!- as if my words were rubbish.A frightening and unpleasant call, especially as this son has always been close to me.He seems more hostile for some reason.My granddaughter said on the phone that she had something to tell me but didnt want her parents to hear.My son quickly ended the call.Now I worry that my ex has maybe told her something damaging about me and at her young age, it seems strange to have that conversation. I hope ex is not starting to manipulate her too because I dont want to lose her.Narcs have to direct their rage and revenge somewhere and this alone is frightening.It seems that my ex can still use his old nasty tactics many miles away even though we have been divorced for ages.
Jupiter

[Serenity]

KIP: I think the same, that the threat of true violence was always there, and it only didn’t escalate further because I backed down. When I stopped backing down, his anger increased, but as a very intelligent or rather conniving man, I think he meant to ‘do me in’ covertly whilst making it out to be an accident ( the pushing off cliff scenario, which failed).

I think the threat of violence worsening, always hanging over is, is probably what gives rise to C-PTSD: our bodies always being on danger alert.

I thought this example of Tara would really help ladies here see it more clearly and lessen the confusion. The threat is very real: they might deny it or try to dress it up, but the threat is always there.

Jupiter: I’m sorry that you have problems now in terms of the abuse and denial reaching down to your granddaughter. I’m going to PM to a link which I may have messaged you in the past. Sorry if I have! It’s about trying to help your relationship with children who are being affected and brainwashed by such abusers and what you can do to help save it.

[Serenity]

Sorry- Tara’s last name was Costigan, not Corrigan x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hey 😊. That’s ok thank you for your lovely weds. It doesn’t matter that you were not married and you didn’t live together. Every situation is different and no situation can be compared against the other because it is all not right. I guess the thing with your recovery is he was your first. You never forget your first ever. You sound very strong and independent so you may well find yourself very shocked and unable to understand how you didn’t see the signs. There are also different types of n********t and abusers according to their makeup. Mine was very manipulative with words and put on a fake image to everyone he met in life so if he was some saint but behind closed doors he was unhinged, disturbed and has severe issues the same as your boyfriend. I’ve learned the most important person in my life is myself and I’m going to do as much as I can to make me happy. Please give yourself time to process it all because the last thing you want is to end up in the same situation again. There are ladies here who have found themselves back in a place where they were and that’s the reason why I’m not rushing into it. I thought I would have a few children by now it hasn’t happened we cannot think about how we imagined our lives to be we can only live the life that we have in front of us. We will have children and settle down with the right person at the right time. As time passes you will realise things he said of things he did which you overlooked and it will throw you. You may feel like you’re dealing with it now or it wasn’t as bad as any of us but the truth of the matter is that it was wrong and the first step in recovery is learning to love yourself and once you’ve mastered that you will give your love to the person who deserves it x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Sorry I posted this in the wrong conversation xp

[EeyoreNoMore]

Thanks for the heads up on Tara, I will have a read.

For some inspirational stories closer to home search for Rachel Williams (YouTube) and Zoe Dronfield. Both are survivors who are now working to help stop abuse 💖

[fizzylem]

Hi S, only just read your post – had to join in! When we were together everything he called me felt emotionally attacking, like a wrench in the chest, because there was a slither of truth in it somewhere, like you say, which then led me to the self doubt as well sometimes, he knew how I felt about me and things because I told him, then he used what I had said to hurt me, he knew I feared turning out like my mother, and because of this, he knew that was something he could throw at me. There is always going to be ambivalence within all of us, for example, say if we have been mothered and are now mothers, for me it was the fear I never want to be controlling – so the slither of truth he tapped into was my fear of being like her – it had nothing to do with how I was behaving – it was him trying to hurt me, to silence me for control when I tried to stand up to him or question him. Once he’d left and I got the head space I so desperately needed, it wasnt long before I could really see this, his words did not belong to me at all. Although even at the time, suppose a bit down the line, I did sometimes get a glimmer of something that said to me ‘its like he’s listened to what I’ve said the other day but not really understood it, and is now using the bit he did hear to try and hurt me, he clearly didn’t really grasp what I said, just cottoned on to the bit he thought he could use as a weapon’.

I have had to step in a number of times since we split and take the control from him when he has put our daughter at risk – I don’t want to but I have no choice – he throws this at me – its your way or the high way just like your mother – your controlling – he cant see that he leaves me no choice, he hates it as he needs to feel the one in control all of the time, hey I’d love to not have to ever do it again! Like I want either me or my daughter to be in that situation! What a moron he is.

He did make me question the control thing a few times – before I was fully aware of what was happening in the dynamic between us and so I asked my grown up son, son, have I ever been a controlling mother? He laughed instantly, no why would you say that? I told him why and he said, mum, you have always been a relaxed parent, all my friends used to say they wished they’d got you as a mum – he also said that if you go to court me and all my mates would be happy to testify! Lol – bless them hey. They tap into our fears hey – not the truth!

I was good at taking on responsibility that didn’t belong to me as well – so all he had to do was say I cant do it and that would lead me into thinking well I can do that or how can I help to fix this – never again! This rescuer has hung up her tabard for good.

See so clearly now that everything he ever called me were projections of his own feelings – and that the person he described I was – is actually exactly the person I have had to deal with all these years – no more though! Yeeehaaa!

Covert abuse is especially hard to deal with – as its all about playing with peoples perceptions isnt it and the maintaining of a great public image – so glad you are away from that! Thankfully my abuser is not that clever lol – but my sister in law – full blown covert aggressive x

[Jupiter]

Regarding the present epidemic of abuse in all its forms I kept a simple but powerful native american saying which says it all:

Man needs to have responsibility not POWER .

Jupiter

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