30th September 2021 at 6:04 am #132084DarknessallaroundParticipant
I keep wondering if something bad happened to me and I needed medical attention, whether he would call for help or let me see someone. I’m almost tempted to put it to the test, at least then I would know. Of course it could go horribly wrong and I could be left in a worse position. Or dead….but at least I’d be out of it.
(I’m not talking about physical danger from him.)
I know I will be advised against taking this step…. It’s early hours and I’m just running scenarios through my head. I haven’t found the courage to leave again, and with the way things are, I doubt I ever will. Forcing the issue sometimes feels like the only way out.
30th September 2021 at 6:12 am #132085KIP.Participant
I needed to let him rape me with clear lines in my head. I said no and he carried on. It was my way of validation because life with him was blurred. It was just part of my journey to leaving but it made me feel less insane.
30th September 2021 at 3:43 pm #132104LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support along with KIP.
It’s concerning that your partner may not allow you to get medical attention if you needed it, he is not supportive to you at all. I am not sure if seeing your GP for support could be an option for you or whether it is too difficult in your situation.
If you feel ready to think about your options, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service to explore your options (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
2nd October 2021 at 4:02 am #132153Twisted SisterParticipant
Its certainly a very risky thing to do. You just reminded me of a situation where I was at risk medically, and couldn’t act to help myself because of my condition and he just ignored me. I wonder whether losing consciousness or something would have triggered him to act, I’ll never know, and it should have shouted loudly at me that everything was so wrong (but it didn’t).
I wonder why you need to test this; it seems to me that the fact you feel this way is really more than enough proof of your distrust of him, and your impression that he’s given you of his lack of care for you.
I had completely forgotten the brevity of my situation until I just read your post. I didn’t lose my life, obviously, but he couldn’t have known how it would pan out or what was happening with my heart that night.
Its certainly hard to read that you have been brought to this point in your life because of him that you would consider this, and how worrying that is.
I don’t know your situation, but I wonder if you have spoken to anyone about your situation and whether you could do so discreetly if not. Find a way to get him removed from your home legally due to his behaviour so you can be safe and not have to spend your nights considering such dire scenarios for yourself. I hope you have some you can trust 100% to share these concerns with and that you can reach out for support from everywhere you can to get some help to stop him.
Do keep talking it through, here or with those you can truly trust. Sending you heaps of strength to get through this.
2nd October 2021 at 6:07 am #132156KIP.Participant
Cognitive dissonance is so powerful. That pull from the part of the brain that just doesn’t want to accept it’s abuse. That’s why I needed black and white confirmation. Trauma takes away the ability to rationalise abuse, the mind shuts down and goes back to the reptile part of the brain that’s there to fight flight or freeze and rationally disappears.
2nd October 2021 at 2:00 pm #132165WeemebreezeParticipant
Please don’t let yourself be put in that position. I was violently attacked, lying on floor covered in blood with head injuries – did he phone for help? No. Did he get me a tissue or cloth to mop the bleeding? No. Did he comfort me? No. Did he stand over me sneering and tell me to get up, that there’s nothing wrong with me? Yes. Did he say sorry? No. Can I forget that night and the image of him standing over me sneering? No.
You’re worth far more. You deserve so much better. X
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