Question

[pink rose]

Can anyone tell me why the children of these men very often turn out just like them please? I was married to an abuser for (detail removed by Moderator), divorced for (detail removed by Moderator) and then reabused by my adult children. In my opinion my ex husband encouraged and rewarded them financially for abusing me. I am estranged from my children now and miss my little grandson dearly.

[lover of no contact]

This is heart-breaking for you.

Abuse and abusers tear families apart. They cause division. They pit family members against each other. Abusers ‘smear’ us to others, to our children, to other family members, to mutual friends, to our own friends and even to strangers. They influence people against the person they are abusing. They tell lies about them, spread false rumours, paint them in a bad light, bad-mouth them. It is so damaging and unfortunately these tactics work on some people and it is so painful when others believe their smears and their lies. And it is excruciatingly painful when it is our own children who we have loved so much and only wanted the best for them.

All I can say is maybe to spend a little time on this Forum posting and reading the posts and maybe you won’t feel so alone. You will also become stronger and heal more and may get some guidance after a while on how to navigate your relationships with your adult children and grand-child.

[Ayanna]

This happens very often. I know of women who were battered by their own children after they divorced their abusive husbands.

You need to stand your ground. If you feel threatened you need to call the police, even against your own children.
Abuse needs to be dealt with very hard.

Keep posting here!

[pink rose]

Thank you so much for the replies. I am having counselling at the moment because I am feeling awful being reabused by my own children and my anxiety and depression has come back, I feel just as I felt around him. I have no contact with my adult children now after being told they hope I d*e, and threatening to come and get me then accusing me of having bipolar etc etc. Why do these men use their children to abuse? I have been divorced from this man for (detail removed by moderator) years and still getting hassle, why don’t they just go away? x*x

[Serenity]

Hi Pink Rose,

I’m sorry for all the heartbreak you have suffered. There are a number of women on this forum in a similar position to you.

I’m sending you a private message with a link ( I don’t think I can put it here as it is linked to a blog). It has helped me when my ex was trying ( and succeeding at times)to turn my children against me.

I hope that it benefits you and leads you to a stronger place x

[Happybean]

They do this because you dared to stand up to them. My ex has recently started to step up his game on this. Professionals are seeing the damage he’s causing my youngest so it will catch up with him. And with his job cost him big I love my children too much to damage their relationship with their dad. He can’t love them to do this. I am focusing on myself and ensuring I’m strong for when my children realise the truth. Yes it does hurt but it hurts because of what he’s doing to my children. I recently came face to face after years and quite frankly he’s vile. Full of hatred and anger at me. As I walked away I smiled because I’ve got away from him. I stayed calm throughout reiterating the need for us other to have a good relationship with children. Wasted breath. I pity his girlfriend. Look after yourself. Xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

I think the abuse you get from our children cuts the deepest. I have lost my children and grandchildren I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with them again.

Not sure if it’s because it’s easier to side with a bully than to stand up to them or because we have changed by saying no more abuse.

All I know with or without them I wouldn’t have survived in the relationship I was in with their father.

Just remember none of this is your fault.

FS xx

[Nova]

Pink Rose..sorry to hear about your distress, abusers just don’t know when to stop…as the ladies have said smearing their abuse all over to anyone that will listen.
It’s happened to all survivors in one way or another..they can’t get to you so they bad mouth about you to others…all lies.

hoping in time you can re build your relationships with your children and grandchildren.

Hugs Cx

[Jupiter]

To all the ladies upset about more abuse from children and other family members: I have just read your posts and wanted to say you are not alone in this horrible situation. Its like surviving a tsunami and then more waves come and we dont deserve this. I also wonder why abusers continue for years or decades? Is it addiction or just enjoyment of power-who knows?
My ex isolated me from my family and this was cruel as I am single and was separated from my blood mother at birth. Surrogate parent was abusive. Few years ago I secretly found real mum and I craved a piece of family which was not poisoned by ex. However, somehow ex found out and ruined my joy by speaking to my realmother on the phone.! I can only imagine what he told her to smear my life and spoil my find. Kids told me this and real mum never mentioned these secret calls making me feel they were ganging up on me. I was furious but could not challenge ex as we have zero contact plus dont want triggers etc. This was truly below the belt.These men are evil on two legs so we must stay strong and help each other here on the forum because then we have a voice plus a community which our exs dont want us to have.We can take back our power – our birthright .
Jupiter

[Serenity]

Hi Jupiter,

I’ve only just seen this post.

My heart went out to you in reading it- what a horrible man your abuser was to involve himself in your relationship with your birth mother. That was the ultimate in power, cruelty and control.

I wanted to let you know about a museum which I went to recently, which was based upon the theme of adoption. In one room, the walls were decorated with the names of famous people who had been adopted. Actors, but also inventors, heroes- people who had all achieved great things. It moved me so much.

I wanted to let you know that despite these people letting you down, and despite having met your toxic ex, you can achieve amazing things in the future and shake off their toxic tendrils of control, to become fully who you are! You can achieve real joy and freedom.

As someone who has experienced abuse since a child, I keep reminding myself of the importance of a name. We are all given our own name: we are out own people. No one is quite like us. We have our own stamp to make On the world. And I believe that every woman here has the strength inside to overcome abuse and to do this x

[Author]

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