Questioning my behaviour

[phantasmagorical]

I was reading an article on emotional abuse and I can’t help but feel that I did some of these things to my ex. When we met I was wary about trusting him because of the way he kept portraying and calling himself a real catch with the ladies, then we got together I felt really uncomfortable with the sexual boasting in relation to his ex, the numerous girls at his uni who were chasing him (but that he wasn’t doing anything to stop), and then the girl he kept secret from me for nearly a year (he is adamant they weren’t involved but is clear he was leading her on and keeping his relationship with me a secret).

I think I developed this negative association with his university because so many of these people were based there, studied with him, etc. Every time he mentioned going I’d get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach like he was going to replace me, I just didn’t trust him at all. Then when he dropped out for a while, albeit for other reasons, I felt partially responsible like I’d worn him down and restricted his social freedom.

There was several people from his life that he’d behaved with quite suspiciously, and this was usually when he had a commitment to me that he’d blow off for these other people, keeping me waiting. So I felt really disrespected and angered in turn, and expressed I felt uncomfortable about the nature of his friendships with certain girls. The physical response to this was overwhelming; I’d lose my appetite and feel sick. I just worry so much that I was harassing him with imagined affairs.

Then there’s the way my overall wellbeing just completely deteriorated. (detail removed by moderator), there was a lot of push-pull with him when I was trying to make plans to move over to him. He kept saying he wanted me there asap, but again his words and actions didn’t match up and over time it was driving me crazy. I was at the point where I could go from laughing one minute to crying the next to flying into a temper. Sometimes it was really bad and I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I started to hit my head off the wall or the sink. Another time we had a terrible argument (mostly me losing my nerve whilst he sat and calmly gave excuses, countered everything I said with explanations that made no sense or didn’t sound true), and I became very quiet and still, and sat by my window and was so tempted just to jump out of it. It wasn’t long after that I went to the doctor to get anti-depressants because I felt my mental state was destroying my relationship as well as me. I was so thoroughly convinced I was crazy (and even now I still wonder if that’s the case)…now that I’m typing this, I can recall a time he was at my house and there was tension, I went to the bathroom and tried cutting myself.

He sabotaged our plans the first time around by saying he wanted to break up, then some time later we agreed to make it work…he said he tried to break up because he was doing what he thought he should do, not what he wanted to do? I am so worried that I’ve been such a nightmare to be with that he was too scared to say no to me.

On the occasion when I was angry with / at him I’d throw something of mine when I was boiling over. But I’ve read this is like symbolic aggression? I didn’t intend on intimidating him, I just didn’t want to hurt myself, but I realise it doesn’t matter what I intended…maybe he was lying to me this whole time because he was actually scared of me? I’ve also used curse words towards him, and not too long ago I told him that I hated him sometimes. Sometimes during arguments I’d interrupt him a lot because he’d start to give me the same spiel as before, and I just couldn’t bear to listen to it anymore. His dad messaged me to say they don’t blame me for what has happened now, but I’m still unsure. I just feel like I’ve been really overbearing and a horrible person.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Honey please don’t doubt yourself in this way. All of the negativity and self doubt is directly caused by him. He was Gaslighting you the whole way and this is why you feel so confused.

He did it on purpose to give himself power.

So you threw some stuff – you already know why that happened.

Have you got a Lundy Bancroft book? Reading it will help you understand that it wasn’t you. It isn’t you. It’s him. He will make his next victim feel exactly the same.

[Serenity]

I read a very interesting article only today where if explains how we end up ‘mimicking’ the behaviour of our abuser as a protest- to say ‘I matter too’ because they’ve squeezed everything out of us and stamped on the pure unselfish love we gave them and spat on it.

I will send you a private message with the link.

Perpetrators are instigators. At some point, the victim will start to fight back.

[phantasmagorical]

Hello EeyoreNoMore and Serenity,

My reactions to him just got progressively worse over time. I went from discussing his troubles like I was his therapist almost, and propping him up. Strangely enough, in the very early days I had this thought that I mustn’t ever display I was upset or angry, because that was unattractive and he’d withdraw from me. I don’t know how much of that feeling has been socialised, and how much I was picking up on subconsciously in our relationship.

Then I kept trying to reason with him, then I’d get tetchy, then I’d want some time to myself, and eventually I just got angrier and angrier. I’m not sure I was mimicking him with the anger…although I believe he is an angry person, he’s just very passive in expressing it, whereas I was getting to the point of no return.

I have a Lundy Bancroft book on relationships that I’m reading through. I’ve highlighted one passage in particular as it was the driving force behind a lot of the tension / upset. He would apologise again and again, but the behaviour wouldn’t change at all, so the apologies were empty and useless.

The bizarre thing is that he seems to have a heightened awareness of what he was doing and going back over things, it’s like he’d say it in plain language to me, that he was self-destructive and cruel. So then why do it? I don’t understand. I felt like my head was going to explode from all the frustration and upset.

[Author]

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