Questioning my sanity

[Fairyliquid]

(detail removed by moderator) year up and down relationship
I have managed to pack up her things and send to (detail removed by moderator).

She is still holding on sending gifts telling me she loves me. That all the things she does is for me.

I just need to appreciate her. And put in effort.

I cry everyday, she says I have mental health issues. And that I have fabricated/embellished stories over the years so my friends and family now hate her.

She says I can’t trust my therapist as I have told her my own warped sense of reality which isn’t true.

I can’t trust anyone else now, or anything I think. I read online about emotional abuse and it highlights alot of similarities. But have I gaslighted myself to think the worst.

I keep pushing her away as this relationship is not healthy. But she is insistent if I am just a better human, if I can just appreciate who she is. If I can get a grip on my own mental health it will all be OK. She will (detail removed by moderator) and we can start again.

I’m scared that I will be then trapped in a house with her. I’m already isolated from friends and family as I am so unsure of what is real. That if I tell them its abuse and its not and she comes home then I will be further isolated.

She is fundamentally a lovely individual. Thinks that I am robbing her of everyrhing she has worked for for (detail removed by moderator) years if I leave.

I cry everyday and feel like the world would be better without me. Everytime I go to any social things I am half trying not to cry with stress. I love her but I feel like whatever I do now I will ruin my life.
What if it is me…

I feel like I keep trying to leave but she holds on. Real sense of I am ill and that she is helping.

[Lisa]

Hi Fairyliquid,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your post with us.

It’s normal to feel confused and to be questioning your sense of reality when you’re experiencing domestic abuse. Lots of women reading your post will have felt the same way. This feeling is one of the impacts of the abuse, you’re constantly being given messages that it’s your fault and these build up over time to this point where you don’t trust yourself. These things aren’t true, it’s not your fault that your partner is treating you this way, she is responsible for her own behaviour. Abuse is all about power and control and it is a choice that abusers make to behave that way.

Her refusing to let you go when you’ve tried to leave is very controlling. Abusers will do whatever they can to keep the power and control and refusing to let things end is a common tactic. A non-abusive partner would accept and respect your decision and allow you to move on.

Keep reaching out here when you need for support or to ask questions or simply to get things out.

Take care,
Lisa

[Bambe]

Hi Fairyliquid, sorry that you’re going through this. It’s so easy to believe there words and overtime it can have a huge impact on how you see yourself.

For years I have tried to please my husband thinking if I can just change and do what he asks then it will all be ok- I could never do anything right, and every time I did what he was asking from me… his needs/expectations would require more from me. When I felt confident in myself the criticism would come and putting me right back down again. I was never good enough. Which now I realise I was good enough, I gave my all, which was enough.

The best thing I did was reach out to others. I started on this forum, which helped me see it for what it is. After that I’d reach out to family and now I have friends! Once you have that support behind you it’s amazing what you can overcome.

I hope you have family or someone you can reach out too, you can always message me if you’re feeling lonely. Just know your feelings are valid and listen to them. If you feel something isn’t right, then it’s not.

Somebody on here recommended Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that- he’s amazing. He really opened my eyes and helped me to explain what was going on when I had no idea where to start but knew it wasn’t right. He’s on a lot of podcasts too.

Hope this helps. X*x

[Author]

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