21st September 2021 at 1:35 pm #131731
Hello. I am new here but read the forum for a while before creating an account.
I am struggling to admit that I am a survivor and find myself questioning what happened and if it really did happen. I mean I know it did but did it?
I find it hard to feel any hate towards my abusive ex and the very few people I have told cannot seem to understand that – Me neither to be honest.
I guess I feel numb and am still allowing him the excuses I always gave him.
I have mostly good days but the bad days are really bad. I feel myself choking up randomly and thinking about what happened to me a lot. I replay some scenarios but question how bad it really was. I know it was awful what I had to endure but I also don’t know if that makes any sense.
I know I am strong but the thought of being a survivor makes me feel weak. I hope that doesn’t come across bad to anyone as I mean no offence, it’s just how I feel right now.
I would really appreciate any advice or recommendations for any books I could read to help me understand what I have been through.
Sending love and hugs to anyone in need today.
Thank you for reading.
21st September 2021 at 2:03 pm #131733SingleMomSurvivorParticipant
Hi and I’m so glad you are here and sharing your thoughts with us. The feelings definitely come in waves. I’m no longer with my abusive ex and some days I feel absolutely amazing. Other days I feel just c****y and sad. What I have found though that as time goes on the sad/c****y feeling doesn’t last as long & doesn’t feel as overwhelming. But it’s totally normal that you’d be experiencing a range of emotions because abuse is a traumatic experience that slowly chips away at you over time. It makes sense to me that it’d be hard for you to identify as a survivor because it’s really hard to even get to a place where you can accept that abuse was even occurring in the first place.
As far as book recommendations, the one that was totally eye opening for me was Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men. It really really breaks everything down & helps you make sense of the abuse you experienced.
So happy you are here with us 💜
21st September 2021 at 5:52 pm #131739LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be. I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling, it really is normal to feel like this.
I can see that SingleMomSurvivor has given really good advice. You could also look into some counselling possibly through your local domestic abuse service which you can find here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
21st September 2021 at 6:07 pm #131740ControlledParticipant
I could have written your post myself. I have seen the books recommended but not been able to afford to buy them yet. It’s so hard as you continually remember the ‘kind’ moments and feel regret at what could have been. For me it’s especially hard as my children do not support me.
22nd September 2021 at 8:25 am #131757
Thank you all for your replies, it is reassuring to know that how I am feeling is normal and I’m not alone in this.
I had a years worth of counselling just prior to and shortly after leaving but haven’t been back as I wanted to see how I coped without but maybe I need to book back in.
Thank you for the book suggestion, I will have a look today.
It is sad that we are all going through this but I’m glad we have each other.
Controlled, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I guess when we think of the ‘kind’ moments we have to remind ourselves of the not so kind moments and the reason we left. I am sure your children will understand one day. It is hard for us to accept an abuser so it must be hard for your children too.
Sending love x*x
22nd September 2021 at 9:31 am #131758beachhutParticipant
I quite understand your thoughts, I find it difficult to admit that I am a survivor, because that makes me a victim, all be it a victim of something not of my own making. I have been away from him for some time now but still have good and bad days with the memories of my life with him, but now I just consider myself as me, not a victim or a survivor, just a free independent woman who is learning to forgive myself for the choices of my past. Things do get easier with time. Xx
22nd September 2021 at 8:12 pm #131770nbumblebeeParticipant
So im still with my husband whos not nice. I refuse to believe i am a surviver as im not. Im not a victim either. Getting our heads around all this is pants isnt it? We all i think cope in different ways whats right for you may not be right for someone else. To me no matter how many people tell me its abuse i cant see it all the time especially when hes nice loving its just too hard. To me women like you who have seen it admitted it and freed themselves feom it are strong, brave and incredable. You need to give yourself time to heal time to love and look after yourself again. Maybe you cant do it alone maybe reach out for support but always remember how amazing you are xxxxx
22nd September 2021 at 9:08 pm #131773StressedandaloneParticipant
I feel the same way. My bad days seems more than ever at the minute, feel like I’m not coping at all. My ex has moved on too, while we were still together, and it hurts! I could definitely do with the tips for surviving! Please! I’m trying so hard to be strong and not contact him but it’s killing me
24th September 2021 at 9:07 am #131815BettychocParticipant
I feel the same and am being swayed by those people who think he’s not so bad, and those who think he’s awful.. including our 3 adult children.
I’ve been reading lots about trauma bonding and recognise myself and my behaviour in this, hence my minimising of what he’s done and my defence of him to others even now.
Please be strong. I’m trying my best to be despite texting with him every day. In my head, I am moving away and never going back…. I’ve already sorted my new home and have a fabulous circle of supportive friends and family around me. In my heart, how can I live without him? How could I even think about being with another man? Tiny steps I think, we get through each minute and the longer we can stay away, the better it will be for us.
You know deep down it was bad, it’s your survival instinct that focuses on the good bits.
Take care, big hugs.
25th September 2021 at 8:29 pm #131854
It took me over (detail removed by Moderator) years to realise that I had been abused for at least (detail removed by Moderator) years but it was also hard to remember everything that had taken place as I think my mind forced me to forget a lot of it.
It is sad that we have to go through it and some of us are still going through it but whether we are still in it or not we are all very brave, I know that much.
I have learnt that time is the biggest healer. It is hard to come to terms with as we wish it would all go away so the pain will leave us too but everything takes time.
It is also hard to believe that someone who we love or have loved and was supposed to love us too could be so awful.
I really hope that we are all able to find happiness. Even if that starts with something small like a cup of tea and a slice of cake to starting life again completely and finding peace.
Much love and hugs.
27th September 2021 at 7:45 pm #131942TiaMariaParticipant
Hey! It sucks how you are feeling. Have you heard of trauma bonding? This is what makes it really hard to leave an abuser/find it difficult to navigate the emotions around the abuse.
I read this recently: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding which explains it all quite well and might be able to help you understand why you have such conflicting feelings about your abuser. I would also recommend the book “The Body Keeps the Score” which is about how trauma impacts us mentally and physically.
I hope you are able to find some clarity, but it takes time. Sending hugs!
8th October 2021 at 11:55 pm #132292CamelParticipant
I also found myself playing things over, remembering things, analysing everything.
I read something interesting recently. That every time we do this replay thing we’re reliving the trauma. That we can’t change what happened, we can only influence the future. I think there’s a nugget of truth here. We should work on building ourselves up instead of wasting our time trying to work out exactly how bad things really were. Because surely the question should be, why do we believe we deserved even a little bit of ‘bad’?
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