Questioning myself all the time

[hop]

My mp said they’d go the police to report this and my therapist also is strongly encouraging me to do it. Very occasionally I think he needs to know what he’s done but the majority of the time I think that it was just something I put up with to be with him so it’s at the very least both our faults. I could never got the police. It was decades ago. He still can’t leave me alone and uses the courts to make my life miserable but in situations where it’s me and him pitted against each other he doesn’t just come out on top he destroys me. There’s no way that I’m getting into a position where it’s my word against his because I just don’t win. I try my best to stand up to him but even after all this time. I worry myself sick. Trying to second guess his reaction or be have in a way that I know won’t anger him. It always in my mind how angry he will be and this would make him off the scale.

[KIP.]

Hi there, this is how I felt in the early days. However the more I built my confidence, the more distance I put between us with zero contact and non mol, the more I began to see his game. What would it achieve by reporting him? We normalise and minimise Abuse A’s a coping mechanism so I know the feeling that you feel you’re over reacting but try to imagine this man doing those things to your mother or sister or daughter. Holding him accountable through the correct channels can be very empowering. You’re still extremely vulnerable and influenced by him. If your MP feels there’s a case for him to answer then it’s worth considering. Meantime, The best way to deal with an abuser is to go total zero contact. They can’t stand to be cut from our lives. Have your tried the grey rock method. Any contact via a third party.

[KIP.]

There is no excuse for domestic abuse. Even if you do feel you put up with it to be with him, it’s his actions that hurt you and he chose to behave this way. Do,you have support from women’s aid? Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven?

[hop]

I’ve blocked his calls/messages so I choose to look at them If I want. He’s not allowed to our house but he still tries to drop off here. The only thing I want is for him to never get in touch with me again. I don’t want to have to keep worrying about the opinion of someone who clearly does not have my best interests at heart. I don’t want yo cause any trouble and it’s really hard to correlate what I have in my mind to the man everyone sees.

[KIP.]

Never mind the man everyone else sees. That’s only the way you see things. I guarantee you other people won’t see him the way you think they do. It’s your life and you choose who gets into it. Change your phone number and get a third party to act as a point of contact. A family member or friend. They could do the drop off pick up too or you could use a contact centre. You have every right not to see or have direct contact with an abuser. A non mol should prevent him from coming to where you live. It will take some effort initially to set up a new way of hand over and indirect contact but it can be done. You just need to set boundaries and stick to them. Be prepared to back things up when he breaches them. Get support from women’s aid. When you say he’s not allowed to come to your home. Is this court ordered. If it is you must report every breach. Abusers have stamina but so do we and you need to keep pushing back till he gets the message. He’s had years of controlling you and manipulating you and he thinks he can still do this. Choosing to look at his messages is still letting him in your life and head.

[hop]

I can’t go up against him people believe him more than they believe me and it feels unreal to me thwhat people think. I feel like other people overreact to what I’m saying because I most of the time I can’t comprend that they feel like some heinous crime has been committed and I just feel like it was just something I put up with. The 2 things won’t correlate in my mind. I feel like the people who are telling me to report it have some kind of agenda and I can’t risk the affect it would have on me mentally.

[KIP.]

Yep, I recognise what you’re saying, your mind is still trying to protect you. Cognitive dissonance. Try writing down everything you can remember of the abuse and start at the beginning. As your confidence returns, and your rational part of the brain catches up, your whole thought process will change. You’re still traumatised. Baby steps x

[KIP.]

It’s difficult to face up to the fact that the person we love most is actually deliberately trying to hurt and destroy us. Opening up our minds to accept that thought is very scary so I think we try to suppress it until we are ready to face the full truth. painful as it is x

[Author]

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