Questions about "No Contact" when you have a child

[backtome]

Hi all,

Hope everyone is ok! After being told by several people (including people on this forum) that I need to go no contact with my ex, I’ve decided it may actually be the way forward for me. I have a few questions though as we have a little girl together.

Firstly, I’m going to get second phone, I’m going to use my new phone as my day to day phone and keep the old number for contact between him and our daughter. She’s very young so I will have to have some involvement with her talking to him. I plan to keep his number on the phone blocked at all times apart from the specified times that he is due to video call her. My question is, when she’s at contact with him, what if there’s an emergency and he needs to get in touch? At the moment, when our daughter is with him he calls me several times under the proviso that she wants to talk to me (but she never does actually talk to me as she’s busy playing). So my plan was to keep him blocked, but then what would happen if it was a genuine emergency like she got hurt? How would I know when he’s calling me that it’s an emergency. This sounds stupid I know, but is something I really worry about.

My other question is who deals with drops off and pick ups? At the moment I do all the driving around etc. No one in my family feel comfortable doing this so who would do it, how would I get her to him?

I’m terrified of going no contact, I don’t know why, but I just feel like it’ll be opening a can of worms and making things 10 times worse, but everyone keeps telling me it’s what I need to do for mine and my daughter’s sake so that he can’t keep hijacking me. Yet again (detail removed by moderator) he asked why I don’t want him in my house. My daughter is constantly asking for him to come to our house, I just can’t deal with the guilt.

x*x

[itwillbeokay]

I’m interested in this too so thank you for posting. I really feel for you as I’m in a similar situation and it is just horrible. The guilt I feel over our son keep asking when can I see Daddy, why don’t we live with Daddy etc. We have two children, (detail removed by moderator) so I have been doing limited contact only to do with leaving our renter house initially and now just the children. My husband can be quite horrible and intimidating when we do have contact and uses it as a chance to minimise everything and basically gaslight me and tell me how everyone (he doesn’t know anyone!) thinks I’m despicable for leaving. It’s awful and I can’t see how I’m ever going to get through it and over it because it’s a bit one step forward two steps back.

I feel like you, I’m scared to antagonise an already angry man. He’s pretty shocked that I’ve left and basically don’t speak to him anymore after years of being together and actually being quite insular. His doing looking back. I’m not insular! Anyway I digress. Our older child is staying overnight for the first time (detail removed by moderator) and I’m a bag of nerves leading up to it and knowing we’ll have to have contact. He had started not only threatening to hurt/kill me but also my family so no one to do handover.

Do you have any official arrangement in place yet? I’m in the process of booking a solicitors appointment but I’m even scared of doing that even though he threatened me last week that he’d sought the advice of a “top litigation lawyer” (I don’t even know what that means, I must Google it).

My husband tends to leave me alone then bam demands I do this to do with our children or demands I answer the f****g phone or sends a barrage of threatening messages or is defensive and aggressive all out of the blue.

It’s a horrible situation to be in when you thought that this person loved you and you loved them and had a family with them. Now we’re tied together forever but I cannot see reasonable co parenting with this man, I just see unreasonable and angry.

Big hugs and I’ll be reading these replies x

[freedomtochoose]

his comment that ‘just consulted a top litigation lawyer’ is designed to scare you.
Litgiation lawyers are used for just that – litigation – if someone intends to sue someone else.
They are an entirely different branch of law than what we are dealing with here, which is Family Law.
see also your other thread
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

itwillbeokay
You are not ‘tied together forever’.
Far from it
hug
ftc
x

[Daisy]

With young children no contact really will have to be minimum contact, just relating to contact arrangements.
But when dealing with abusers, nothing is as it should be and as you have found out already, it’s not about planning to see and doing things with the children that they arrange, it’s a pretense to continue to upset, unsettle, control and further abuse you.
This may sound harsh but I don’t mean it to but if you agree to contact, you are deciding that your child will be safely looked after by their other parent. So that said whilst they are with them they will have to initially deal with all issues, if you don’t think they will You perhaps shouldn’t allow or be pressured into unsupervised contact Arrange an email address to contact you and a separate one just for that would be good. That way, it’s lest direct and a written record too.
Try to get a set routine or arrangement, that way you and your children will be more settled or able to prepare. No small feat I know but I can only echo you are not tied forever; just still tied every other weekend or what ever you arrange and only until your child is a teenager then They will not need you to do all the communicating/arrangements, you child will be more used to dealing with most of it.
Abusers use every avenue to continue to abuse but if you do go as much no contact as possible, you can limit what abuse you have to continue to receive.
I’m not a believer in FaceTiming ,it seems so anti healing for you having to listen to your abuser’s voice in your now safe home but if you feel it is working for you and best for you child I understand and you can always monitor it and end the call if not
X x x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Just wanted to say something encouraging, as it may seem like a bleak situation right now.

With no contact, and with the passing of time, upholding your boundaries does get easier. It really does. I’m not saying it will ever be completely easy, but it is possible to develop a routine around it,
and as your child gets older, with communication with them, they may learn to appreciate the
security of the boundary.

This was my experience with the residence/contact order. I had empowered myself and although still at
times if I am tired or stressed, it is difficult, when I remember to do my self-care over the years
handovers and pickups have got less stressful.

I would agree about the Facetime thing.
visuals intrusive, but everyone is different.

Please know that we are valuing everyone who is struggling with this one to find their way forward.
It is not easy, but you are doing really well, don’t give up
ftc
x

[backtome]

Thanks all, I have ordered a second phone for the sole purpose of my daughter talking to her Dad. I will put parental controls on it and it will only have his number on it. I will be in possession of it but if/when she asks to talk to him I will allow her to. he will be completely blocked from my phone so when I’m at work or not with my daughter I don’t even have to know if he’s tried to contact me.

I’m seeing the SW at school very soon so will be able to get a better plan of action for pick up and drops offs.

The hardest part is the “friendliness” we currently have will be gone and things will likely turn quite nasty as in the way he will talk about me to/in front of my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I hate him and would NEVER want to be with him again, but as someone to chat to I think I will miss that, it’s hard to admit that. I guess I just need to try and re-ignite friendships from a past life and talk to my family more.

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, well done, sounds good about the phones
I know exactly what you mean about the ‘friendliness’ being gone. I was in the habit of talking to someone
every morning that actually I had finished having a relationship with – but only wanted to be friends and have that support, you know the day to day stuff.
Abusive traits reemerged and it was really hard acknowledging that their reactions were hurting my
mental health so I have finally gone no contact with them.

Feels at times incredibly lonely, but I am gradually replacing the hole this has left with other things.
It is really hard changing,
but personally I think they play on this aspect of things, and it is a really awful thing to be doing.
When it comes down to it, they (and the rest of society) should be offering that support anyway in human
terms, to mothers bringing up children…
Of course we mothers have a need to be understood, listened to e.t.c and it can be isolating being a mum when you take into account all the challenges and emotional demands.

If you ask me, they play on this. What a human being should be offering is support WI

[freedomtochoose]

…WITHOUT strings…
without the pressure of needing or wanting something in return,
and certainly with out the abusive power trip.

If you ask me, on some level they are totally aware that we have these needs,
the trick is if you ask me, to try and get these needs met elsewhere, and on our terms.
That is a difficult one, but remember also different free phone lines…

Samaritans 116 123 24 7
Family lives
e.t.c

Sam do not just deal with people who are close to self harming but anyone who feels isolated…
Joining groups I feel is especially hard too with kids as in the business of day to day life, housework, job – it is not easy to reach out, but finding ways it fits in…

all best

ftc
x

[Iwon]

Hi there. I found the contact with our child a nightmare at first. Not turning up or turning up late. Getting abusive and screaming and threatening me. I was so conditioned to accept his abuse but in time I understañd. I never see him now. Contact is pick up from school. Go to written communication only. Text or email. Why you running around to ensure he see the kids. Why you driving there. Them days are gone sister. Stop feeling sorry for him. He only cares for himself x

[Iwon]

One more thing. If someone is threatening to kill you go to domestic violence police and don’t let him see the kids. Let him go to court. You are worrying he will get worse if you set up boundaries. You deserve better. He may get worse for a bit but will give up in the end if you ignore him and get police etc protection. If you don’t have an order that you are the resident parent don’t let him take them at all. Tell him in writing to go to court x

[Sunshine]

Hi,
I haven’t posted in a while for personal reasons. Contact for my girl started for a long time not great but I managed similar to you trying to keep low contact but best inrest of the child. Whole thing blow up and it is too much to go into but now everything is done through lawyers. He was so unreasonable and further abused me in every single way and using contact that I had no choice. A reasonable caring father who wants to see there child I think will always try and work with the mother. Just be careful I trusted him and wanted them to have a relationship toooo much. (detail removed by moderator) the facts speak for them self. And not my facts. The agencies who have been involved, that’s what matters. Keeping your child/children safe at all
Times xx

[backtome]

Just an update, I’ve had my meeting with school and the SW, they were so much more supportive than last time. Different SW who is specially trained in Domestic Abuse. I was really worried about the summer holidays coming up and ex wanting more contact with our daughter but school and sw agree that that’s not a good idea and they are going to call a meeting with him to “tell” him that contact will stay at the current arrangement even over summer. So glad I have them for support. They’ve also referred me to a “(detail removed by moderator) programme” which I think is similar to the freedom programme.

I have drafted the e-mail to tell him not to contact me at all and just waiting for it to be read over before I send it to him, I will then log all communication he tries to have with me.

My main worry now is his reaction me going minimal contact with him and his reaction being “told” when he will see HIS daughter. xx

[freedomtochoose]

backtome
you are doing really well. You have allies now. All you need to do is look after your own needs. Look after your kids. It seems that although it is difficult to place trust in so called professionals, you have done this and are moving forward
I hope you are safe. Please know that we are all supporting you as you are supporting us,
long distance and in solidarity.
Thank you so much for posting
all best
ftc
x

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