Questions around was I to blame? But im happier then ever.

[Pinkflower]

Gosh it’s been probably 2 years since I posted on this forum. It’s been a few years nearly since I left my long term abusive relationship and it was NOT easy and was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took nearly 2 years post leaving and in the end 1 arrest and cutting contact to finally become free of him. This also meant because of this he chose not to have contact with our children.

In this time I really worked on myself and my children and eventually met a really lovely man whom I’ve been with now for over a year. I can say with confidence I’ve never been happier and to be in a healthy relationship is amazing and had made me realise how bad I had it.

Fast forward and my ex has recently started seeing the kids again, only been a few times and for a few hours. So far things have been civil and going well. (Howeber I am cautious it is all an act)- anyways he has now told me out of the blue that he has a girlfriend and that he’s planning on introducing our children to her this week. I think this is too soon considering he is still rebuilding his relationship with them. However I have left it be for now.

Since he’s told me our history has been playing on my mind. I dont feel anything towards him, however I feel a kind of ‘sadness’ at the thought of him having a new partner and I’m not sure why? The love in our relationship died long before I managed to leave and in the end I resented him for all the emotional abusive and coercive control he had over ne. I’m now questioning though if he treats her nicely? What did I ever do so wrong to not be treated like that? I guess I just feel sad that even though we tried to have a family together I still wasn’t good enough to be loved by him correctly. I guess I’m just processing still everything that happened between us and it’s a long process to do this. I just feel bad because I don’t even like him I just don’t understand what I ever did so wrong.

Things in my life are going so well and the best thing I ever did was leave. Me and my kids are happy and they finally get to see a healthy relationship. Sometimes I just wish things could have been different so I didnt have to go through what i did to get here x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Pinkflower

well done you, it sounds brilliant that despite how hard it all was, you did it, and moved on from him and now have happiness in your new relationship.

Its a shame he’s trying to get back into the children’s lives, and don’t believe for a minute that he will be treating her any differently from how he treated you, its just early days right now.

He’s probably using the children to show to his new gf what a great dad he is, however, you know who he is and how he treats his partner. This isn’t about you, its about him, and always has been.

He is who he has shown you he is, you cannot make him abuse you, anymore than anyone can make you abuse someone, its something you are already capable of, and remain capable of, its just that differing circumstances mean he will be careful of what he exposes when, what he can get away with and what he needs to do if he starts losing control of her. You have escaped, and presumably he has now a record that his new gf could access via Clares Law, should she wish to, or becomes aware of.

There’s a whole other level to moving on when your ex moves onto another relationship, and it does bring these types of doubts and questions with it, its only normal.

You and your new partner need to stand strong against him and his use of the children for his own purposes. Speak to the children about what they want out of this, after all he dropped them before, and I would imagine they have got used to life without him. This latest gambit of his could be really unsettling and confusing for them…first he drops them, now he ‘wants’ to see them again, but not him, only with his gf?

warmest wishes

ts

[Bananaboat]

TS makes a great point as my ex’s have done exactly this with new partners and it was where they suddenly come into the kids lives just to show their new partner what a great dad they are. I think your questions are very common and our rational brain wants answers, but the fact is we need to somehow learn we weren’t the problem, you didn’t do anything wrong and nothing we did would’ve been enough. I don’t know how you teach your brain to accept that and shut out the questions fully but don’t let this man ruin your new life and protect the kids x x

[driedflowers]

This is a really difficult moment. I have found that, on the one hand, I have the same question as you around what I did to be treated like that, and on the other I worry about whether he is putting another woman through the same thing. I think what @TwisterSister pointed out is so true: you cannot make anyone abuse you. Maybe a helpful thought exercise is to put yourself in a position where somebody behaves in a way you don’t like. You would walk away and cut that person out of your life, right? You wouldn’t abuse them. So there is no circumstance in which anything we did was the cause of this behaviour. To @Bananaboat’s point, knowing this rationally and knowing this emotionally seem to be two different things, but I guess it’s just a case of reminding and reminding yourself of the objective facts until your brain and heart accept it.

[StrongLife]

It was not your fault he was like this. You did a good thing in getting away and pressing charges.

I am glad you have found someone else. Concentrate on that one. He is behind you now.

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