Quick question.

[nbumblebee]

Yup me yet again.
I have a personal question to ask.
Has he ever Thanked You after sex?
Mine just has and im grossed out.
Why would you thank your wife?
I hate sex i do anything to avoid it bit got so fed up of the asking I gave in as always. Anyway weirdly after he said Thank You.
Am I right to feel weird or am I reading too much into this.
He has been on such best behaviour since i asked him to see a counsellor he says hes better he may be I dont know but this is weird isnt it?????

[Sad and alone]

I don’t know. I want to say I’ve had that before, maybe after it’s been a while. Maybe just grateful to have sex? It’s not a normal response to that situation but then we’re not in normal relationships are we?

[Hereforhelp]

Nbumblebee… no it isn’t a normal, natural healthy response… sex is for 2 consenting adults who sense when the other wants intimacy.. it isn’t a transaction or his right to have claim over your body.. how did you feel when he thanked you? I ask as my ex said somethings to me after sex (towards our separation).. it made me feel degraded, objectified and made it harder to have sex with him.

Hugs HFH ❤️

[nbumblebee]

I felt disgusted if im honest like he saw it as my job!!!!
Jhst such a weird thing to say.

[sweet4]

That is awful, never happened to me before, tell him, your not doing him a favour, am i right in saying as some woman, just do it to keep the marriage together, i did.

[nbumblebee]

Yes i certainly do. He says he feels like im having an affair if i dont have sex with him.

[Bananaboat]

A sign that he views you as a supplier, not an equal. We thank waiters who bring our drinks, supermarket cashiers who sell us food etc. He’s doing what my ex did and saying I’m ok, I don’t need help and look we’re ok we’re having sex. All to push his narrative and stop you doubting him/the relationship 😢

[nbumblebee]

Thanks all can I add something. I asked my PT who is male and knows whats going on. He said it was something men do. He says im not being fair that its ok to a husband to want sex with his wife he told me that if i wanted my husband to be a better husband then i needed to be a better wife.
That i shouldnt talk to other people about this that I should talk to my husband. Im a mess he knows everything this man and yet he thinks that. Its me it really is me.

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, your PT has shown several red flags over time, this is another. It is not something all men do, of course you should talk to people (why the secrecy if it’s normal or ok) and you’re a blooming great wife. Your actions are not the cause of your husband’s actions – repeat until believed!!

[nbumblebee]

I cant seem to stop myself in confiding in him some times he will message and nessage and message me sometimes i will reach out and he ignores me its just so weird.

[Bananaboat]

It sounds toxic, very similar to dangling that carrot to keep you hooked. Don’t feel bad we all want someone we can trust and confide in but I’m not convinced the PT is the right one – he seems to have unhealthy beliefs or an agenda. But I don’t know him!! This is just my wary eye based on things he’s said and done xx

[nbumblebee]

Ive told my counsellor and she has asvised me to stop seeing him she says the same as you BB trouble is I need the exercise as I have eating issues so I need to train and i see him as a friend rightly or wrongly. He also said there was no such things as narc or gaslighting but then a while ago he told me my husband was gaslighting me it feela at times like he doesnt believe me and that makes me doubt myself again. I just feel so stupid that ive been so weak to allow this to happen yet again. I will try and limit my contact with him. Thank you for your honesty It is most needed. I just feel so lost right now nothing feels right. Xx

[Bananaboat]

How about a new PT? A fresh start? Can always go back to him if you hate the new person but a break might help. Remember you pay him, so he wants to keep you more than you need him. x

[nbumblebee]

Yeah. Its another scarey thought thought isnt it? He was the first and only peraon that really saw me and actually asked. Its almost like i feel I owe him. But maybe youbare right fresh start all round is whats best the balls to do it is what I need xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

I’m not sure what a PT is but I’m guessing like a counsellor? Whatever he is he’s talking out of his butt. Especially if he knows your history. I get told by my husband that if I change I will see a change in him. Same thing, be better and he’ll be better. I made an effort with the physical side of my relationship a little while back. I would rather watch a box set than have sex but I realised a lack of intimacy could be causing an issue so made an effort to change. It was all okay for a couple of months and I thought maybe that’s it. He’s happier, I’m happier. But then lo and behold it all caved in again. When you’re treated in a way that is not acceptable and you are made to feel upset it’s very hard to partake in physical relations.

[nbumblebee]

Personal trainer.

I hate sex i hate it. He makea me feel like c**p as long as he is ok thats all that matters. He tries but No its not for me I wonder if this is a reason for his problems. Men see sex as such a huge issue maybe it is my fault. Its all so so hard x

[Hereforhelp]

Marital rape was made illegal in 1991…
To say no to sex is a full sentence without having to explain why. For your husband to put pressure on you, be moody etc until you do have sex is sexual coercion. Your husband is totally wrong to do this. It is illegal.

The PT is experienced in PT, I agree with BB in that he has shown red flags past and with this. What experience does he have of DA/SA/DV… he has given his (misogynistic) opinion and it is wrong.

I remember it helped you in the beginning opening up to your PT and that’s good. However, now his opinion is wrong, archaic and blatant misogyny. He is not in your corner on this. What sort of man is he to believe a woman who has disclosed abuse, built up some trust only to say well a husband has rights over his wife’s body! What sort of partner is he going to be… similar to my ex husband and your husband…

You have done nothing wrong
Trust your gut over what your PT has said Nbumblebee

x*x

[nbumblebee]

I am so sad so very sad and angry that this man could be as worse as my husband what on earth is wrong with me? I am crazy I cant be normal I dont feel normal I feel like there is something deep within me thats so wrong so bad that this is what i deserve. Even ow when my husband is trying so hard to be nice im unhapoy i cant forget what he has done and said i cant forgive. I just feel an absolute freak. Im an attention seeking selfish self centered idiot thats how i feel right now.I cant be happy because i dont want to be happy what on earth is wrong with me???

[tryingtosleep]

i felt i had to reply…

my ex said thank you to me as well once.
to me it just showed that he knew that the sex was for him and not for me.
i felt weird about it afterwards as well. it was my choice – i had been resisting him for a while. but it kind of felt like payment. xx

[nbumblebee]

@bananaboat @Hereforhelp an update. I fear you may both be right. I didnt go to my PT class he messaged me.
Amoung other things he said i talked about my husband behind his back that I wasnt fair i was never positive about my marriage and it was wrong. He also made me feel like i had lied to him by questioning if I was telling the truth. It was a real dig at me out of the blue. I have agreed to meet tomorrow but I am so anxious could he really be as bad as my husband? I mean seriously could i have missed the flags yet again?
Am i really so stupid????

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