Quote that could be useful…

[Ariadne]

Hi, everyone

I hope it’s ok to share a quote from a book I read recently, from the book The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes:

“The victim feels shameful, and the perpetrator shameless. Victims are set up in the exploitive system to devalue themselves as a defence against examining what the abuser is doing. They feel at fault because they are told they are responsible for whatever problems there are. As long as they feel at fault, the abuser is in the one-up position. (…) The instructor compared having boundaries to having a zipper. Most people can control their zippers from the inside. If someone asks them for information they do not want to give, they simply do not give it. If asked to do something that feels uncomfortable, they say no. If told they are bad or responsible for something they did not do, they figure those comments are really about the other person, not them. People who have been tyrannised by terror and invaded often have the zippers on the outside – anyone can access them and simply unzip. Victims are asked information they do not wish to reveal and they reveal it. They commit to things they do not want to do. They feel responsible when they have done nothing. They can easily be invaded sexually, physically and emotionally. The challenge for the victim is to get the zipper firmly back inside. This requires more than knowing when someone is being abusive. It means being able to say ‘no’ without shame.”

I don’t know about you, but this was kind of eye-opening to me as I notice myself even acting like this now. So hope it helps!

[Need2Vent]

That is very helpful and accurate, thanks.

[Teaandcats]

Victims are set up…to devalue themselves as a defence

Yup. Very much so 😅

[Grey Rock]

Thanks x

[nbumblebee]

Gosh. Wow.

[Author]

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