10th September 2018 at 7:07 pm #63887SunshineRainflowerParticipant
I’m feeling low today and keep crying quite often so thought it might help to post on here again.
I feel that it’s so unfair that I have to compete for jobs, resources, partners with people who haven’t experienced abuse or worse, are abusers themselves. Like my brother for example, everyone in my family adore him and distant family members always ask me how he is like he’s this golden creature.
He has a really good well paying well respected job and owns a valuable home in a desirable location. Growing up he was awful to me, bullied me, hit me, put me down, constantly teased me, would be nice then suddenly turn on me, make me feel fat, stupid, ugly, threaten me and this continued as we got older although it moved from physical to emotional abuse. He’s doing really well in his life now (after I helped him during his lowest point with an addiction he has, argh!!!) but I’m struggling to write a CV to send to companies let alone earn good money to buy a house. He’s a classic (detail removed by moderator). It’s so d****d unfair?
Same with my abusive ex – he’s a sadistic (detail removed by moderator) that abuses people then leaves them in a terrible state with C-/PTSD whilst he moves on unaffected. He also has a good job and his own place and a nice car like my brother. They are really quite similar. Why doesn’t society do more to help people like us who fall victim to these evil b******s rather than rewarding them for their charm and ruthlessness???? I feel such a strong mixture of sadness and extreme rage today. Whenever I try to go out and socialise I feel like I can’t relate to people, I feel like they pick u on my pain and trauma and want to steer clear of me but I need to network in order to find work. Argh. I hate having to pretend to be b****y positive all the time.
Today I’ve been trying to do some computer work to help me find employment and everything kept going wrong. I finally sent a CV out but it took forever. I’m exhausted after not sleeping much and ache. I was going to go to the gym but can’t deal with people and bright lights and loud music today, I feel fragile and spaced out but also feel like I need to get out my rage.
I’ve had a good cry and am now listening to music and doing some yoga at home which is helping but I just feel pretty miserable today.
Thanks for listening and let me know if you can relate.
10th September 2018 at 11:08 pm #63895maddogParticipant
I feel your pain, SunshineRainFlower. I have massively f****d up my tax credits. The whole thing is bringing to a head my internal sense of utter worthlessness. I no longer hold anyone else responsible and these days so many people see me as competent and basically ok. They don’t see the bits that you articulate so well.
I have been diagnosed with lots of psychiatric things but not C-PTSD. I am currently being treated for depression and anxiety. Frankly it’s gloom-lite, so some of my treatment has helped. The NHS and the welfare state have saved my life.
Although many things are much better and many areas of my life are so much improved, I struggle massively with a sense of financial worth.
12th September 2018 at 9:40 pm #63987fridgesParticipant
You have all the right to feel angry and feel upset about it.
How about we will shift for the word of compete. By making yourself to believe that you are unique human being and you deserve good things, you will be able to shift from the people who have done horrible things to you.
You do not need to do that. But in order to heal and make a real progress, the main thing is to shift the focus from them to you.
About men, personally I gave up for competing for someone’s attention, i know how it was used by first abuser, he knew no one ever told me before words like – I love you and me as a young woman, wanted so badly to believe that there is someone nice to me in this world. I repeat myself everyday – the person who mean to be in my life, will not let me do it. Never i want to be made feel like that anymore – worthless, useless, stupid, and deserving the abuse, like this is the reason for my existence – to be abused and specially sexually.
There is no need to compete, as you are ENOUGH already! You are smart enough, you are beautiful enough and you deserve good things. Only you can decide what you would like to add to your personality, also what you would like to achieve on the journey. AND every little success leads you to something new. Celebrate even little things what you have done or doing well.
Do not let others to dictate your self worth! Our job to find the self worth, to feel it, to treasure it like precious diamond.
12th September 2018 at 10:56 pm #63988Twisted SisterParticipant
What lovely supportive words fridges.
It is a truly shattering experience, confusing, shocking and mind-bending. So destructive to mind and soul.
The worst I think can be the isolation of being in a world that our closest friends often don’t understand.
Also of not understanding being treated this way by a abuser, but also not understanding whats happening to us or who we are anymore durng it and afterwards.
He spoke to friends I’d had for years and made things out to be so different and how hard it all was for him, and that his new girlfriend was also causing many of the problems! But he had got their sympathy and couldn’t see he was such a bad man.
I don’t recognise the person I became during and after. Only now I see how strange my behaviour was, and begin to get a sense of my extreme reactions to small triggers and the nightmares, and when feeling under threat completely losing consciousness and finding myself hiding somewhere and not knowing how I got there.
Another woman high on c***k in refuge tried to attack my eldest and I stepped in front of child pushing child backwards into our room and resident grabbed me by wrists and face and I lost consciousness again. I didn’t know what happ0ened and police can tell you whatever the other claims is true because my mind shut down in terror.
All of that in itself is terrifying, just not knowing what is happening to you and I had no-one to explain it.
It doesn’t just go away quickly and its very hard to find support or trust when you’ve gone through so much so very alone.
Warmest wishes ts
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