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Iwillbeok I don’t blame you..it’s so tough to hear all that isn’t it!
Especially when the real reason is never discussed, like the pain and hurt we all have to deal with on a ongoing basis. Keep all the plates spinning to keep a roof over our head our kids in school food on the table and our sanity intact! All battling with the emotional & physical and financial crisis, that has been dumped on us from a great height!Seriously why doesn’t the world wake up…would women want to kick NICE men out of their lives? Doesn’t that in itself answer the questions they need to ask, like what the hell has he been doing to her? Why is she so upset?
It’s not about supporting abusive men it’s about supporting abused women!
Yes I feel like a rant today too! You’ve inspired me!Big hugs
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And they go about like nothings happened. As you say cuppa why don’t people ask themselves those questions?!?!? There’s a reason they’re not living with their partner or children anymore.
I think some folk sit on the fence – unhelpful and that’s like siding with the abuser and ultimately validating their reasons. It does nothing for us. We need recognition and support not them.
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I think it’s about how they operate. If he had me fooled for so long and I was *in* the relationship, how easy to fool those who he has limited contact, who have no contact with with me- he could be making up anything and no-one would be the wiser. For all I know he’s told them I’m having an affair! And he’s the sudden victim in this…
Heck he had me fooling everyone! That things were fine. Social media paints a very myopic view – happy families and shared hobbies.
I the meantime he had things set up so compartmentalised – no mutual friends, no joint social life. No-one from my work has ever met him and vice versa.
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iwillbeok, good points, and I totally understand how they paint one picture, and its another…they know exactly how to protect themselves at any cost. I’ve been there in it as you say like women on here all state the same. Manipulation drip effect control nice nasty all that..
The separation and exclusion gaslighting are all helpful tools to the n********t. We know all about that, like no others!However I do think some people sit on the fence, and as Dragonfly says, and we can make a 1000 excuses for why they didn’t do x y z,to intervene painful as it is after the event. They didn’t say or do anything, fact.Now I eventually pieced it all together after going to the GP his family friends reading up about him, always I came to passive aggressive/aggressive/depressive/BPD (what did that amount to??) never emotional or financial abuse…In my soul searching myself, my wanting the relationship to just be ok! i was examining my behaviour as if I was the cause of his anger, silence, aggression etc…not him the perpetrator! I think I denied it in my mind, not imagining that this is plainly abuse, anything but…back to square one, all about him and his constant issues.
I just tried harder to make it work, round and round in circles, back and forth…until eventually I thought clearly, honestly that I had nothing being with him, nothing but grief.
History had repeated itself yet again. His family knew both his exs and his kids, they know all about his behaviour with women, at least the dysfunction…why did they ignore my pleas for help?
They know alright, and they like him have a lot to answer for, he leaves a trail of broken lives and homes in his path, its not the first time. The stupid old she had and affair, she this or that just do not cut it. Its all too easy for society to cover up the neglect of women and children by maligning the victim not the perpetrator. Sadly it is a mans world, and don’t we know it.Cx
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I agree Cuppa, that if this has all gone on before then extended family as you say have a lot to answer for. I agree with the sentiments that if people realise there’s something going on they need to speak up. Problem is 2 someone’s did speak up at 2 different times – the 1st I was still young and naive & the second I was angry and thought what a ridiculous notion. The irony that this was in the midst of a fight with his sibling that resulted in us going NC with them is not lost on me.
In my situation, I had got to a point of just numbing out, blocking everything, it was almost like if I stop kicking this wheel, it will just fall over and it will end (whoa that was a moment of clarity for me!). I knew tasks needed to be done, I just didn’t do them. And I barefaced lied about having done them. I had reached breaking point. Prior to this I would turn myself in knots as to how to answer a question in the right way. Rush around doing everything.
The sudden escalation (when the wheel fell over so to speak) in sexual abuse just ripped the wool from my eyes – and I could no longer ignore it. It was such a trauma and I had so much support that I knew I wasn’t going crazy and imagining it or over reacting. I woke up. I had been in a cowering stupor for so long. I still lapse into it now but less so than before…
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Excellent that you have got this new found clarity, though painful…sounds like moving ahead and knowing yourself, and others can only be more empowering, to help prevent & make boundaries..in the future.
its not easy I know Iwillbeok, small steps sometimes big ones they all add up to our recovery whatever the individual situation.
+ we have each other on here to talk it out!Counselling, being mindful, reading, NC & prioritize safety in ALL situations, read between the lines, now we know more we can hopefully see the red flags and keep going on your journey of freedom..
Hugs Cx
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Ditto – feel so angry about the lies he’s telling – v good point btw – re no one kicks a nice fella out; suppose a lot of people think its 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other? Think I was guilty of that myself at one time. I get so angry about the lies he’s telling about me, to his family and friends, to protect his ego and public image. It means absolutely nothing to him that I am the mother of his daughter and we live in the same neighbourhood.
I hear you loud and clear when you say it took you some time to see what was underneath – me too – he keeps everyone he knows at arms length, I think most people could say about my abuser that he’s a nice bloke but then if asked what he’s like as a person they wouldn’t be able to answer – he tells no one anything; purposely drip feeds folk his victim BS or keeps people in the dark.
But what I find most difficult to deal with is keeping his positive, best dad in the world BS alive for our junior aged daughter. I know she’ll work it out for herself and will do as she ages, has already worked out he shouts and ignores her, is rarely present for her when she’s with him already, but for now it feels like I have to carry this big secret and not only that I have to pretend he’s this great guy when she brings him up; because that is the responsible thing to do, and if I want her to talk about the awful stuff then I need to engage in all conversations she wants to have about him hey.
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Fizzylem…your points resonate with me..when I met ‘him’ he had (detail removed by moderator) kids..not mine, (detail removed by moderator) om ex wife + 1 from a ‘horrendous’ woman who was just the worst in his eyes, and ‘hounded’ him for money..set me up against her! like she was all bad I had NO idea, as she was the other side of the world…& I listened to the major sob story…never for one minute thought it was lies…until I we had ‘history’…then I could see for myself from my own experience that history was repeating itself! I was in those ex’s shoes.
I used to encourage him non stop to contact his kids I was more pro active than him..and tried to build bridge with them…not as a step mum just a friend, as they aren’t around…He soon put a stop to that!
he wanted full control, I used to ask simple questions…he’d shut me down even though when I bought bags of gifts and paid for stuff…he’d accept that..no problem!…I got ZERO in return. I even signed official forms for them, nowt, not even a thanks…God only knows what he said about me.He is a total head case. so the nice daddy thing…don’t know how long that lasts before the mask slips, however he knew they were his last call, in that, no kids, nothing at all full stop.
They were part of his ‘good guy’image to hide behind…even though he neglected them in favour of his own needs mine werent ever in their except for the odd gift too look good to others…not my real needs, as a partner……whats new?
Just lip service, like virtual contact (his preference…w****o!) skype or email…no real contact. he liked it like that, he’d say oh I cant ring them…his kids…!!!! I cant really speak on the phone…etc etc etc..he had these physical affectations like jumping at loud noises and pretending he was nervous.
(detail removed by moderator) I am…and piecing it together so patronising it stinks! It never sat well with me the ex’s and I jst had no way of contacting them…except for him going crazy abiout CSA letters…usually in the middle of the night so I couldn’t sleep..That went on for several years, until they got re married…then he just stopped, like totally stopped mentioning them ever again! All to nothing, ghosting. I’m definitely going to seek them out, when I have resolved the property. I definitely will be contacting him and sharing notes, its the least I can do!
..seriously he is so ineffectual..always droning on about his lack of qualifications and insecurities…cept when he was shouting his mouth off and being intimidating …classic bully (which he knows I totally detest)
got to stop! I’m on a rant roll!
Funny how things trigger and it all comes tumbling out!hugs Cx
seriously we’d need a few days to go over all of it!
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Agree with all these posts and feel less alone with the man made trauma–literally.
Yes people would rather turn the other way–much easier than supporting us.
Even the ones who should help us dont always. In the past I told my sister about the terrible DA and her reply: oh well hes upset !!? Also when a professional saw my black eye years ago her response was to ask if I provoked him??
Presently I have found out that my so called sister has been texting my adult child because she has a fantasy that my sons are hers. I have had some sleepless nights thinking of these things and trying not to go mad with it all.Really, how disloyal and delusional as well. I once asked a therapist why abusive men keep up the abuse for decades and she didnt know. my ex continues to torment me despite having a very nice life and exacted revenge for our mismatch and company now 24/7. he is a disturbing mystery. Im sure some fellow survivors ask similar questions ….
But yet we do survive.
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