7th May 2016 at 1:09 pm #16626AyannaParticipant
I (removed by moderator) the anniversary of a rape that happened long time ago. It happened in another country. That country has wonderful regulations for pregnant women and parents, pays loads of money for stay at home parents for years, supports women who want to get out of violent relationships and smashes the abusers very well, decades longer than the UK.
BUT, that country supports rapists and paedophiles when they come from certain countries. (Removed by moderator) Trust me, I am not lying.
My partner at that time was from a certain country which the protectors loved. He was well educated, spoke several languages, had fine manners.
He never lay hands on me. He was soft spoken and with his looks and smiles he charmed everybody. He even stole government money and got away with it.
He was the king of manipulation and coercion. At that time I was not aware of what I know now. I was young and very naive and much in love with him.
I had a good job and earned well. He took every penny off me. At the middle of the month I had nothing left to buy food and had to live on cooked potatoes until I got my next pay.
He coerced me into adopting his little brother, who made his way to the country as an underage asylum seeker. At first I did not know he was his brother. He was so much younger.
After some years the situation was so bad, that I began to ask for help. But nobody helped me. He used to threaten me that he would destroy me and make me end up in prison should I take action against him. He was friends with the highest police in the capital and with influential politicians.
I went to the UK and found a good job with my qualifications and began to study to fit the requirements. I had no intention of returning because I enjoyed the newly found peace. I told him that he should follow and look for work in the UK. He tried, but things happened and he was not successful.
I knew that his crooked ways were seen here quickly and he had no chance unless he changed. He went back and wanted me to come back too.
As I was out of his influence I started to think clearer and refused to return. I still had a flat in the capital where the adopted boy lived, fully depending on my support, because he would not work but do things I even did not want to know.
I kept going there, cleaning the flat and trying to educate the boy that he had to walk a straight path. I did not give up on him, although his behavior towards me was very bad.
This ex partner was also there and always expected me to stay. I had stopped giving him money. He had brought more of his younger siblings from his country to the flat without my consent. The place was overcrowded and they all behaved terrible. They attacked each other and fought violently. They had no food because he did not give them anything and expected me to care for them. One day we had an argument and I said I would never return and that I would keep all my money for myself and he needed to find a proper job.
He raped me (removed by moderator). He pushed me in the bedroom, pulled a table in front of the door and fought me down. I could not scream because I was too ashamed that the boy and the siblings and the neighbors would hear me.
If that happened to me today I would not care. I would yell my lungs out.
He raped me and then he said: Okay, now you know too how this feels. He put his thing back, unblocked the door and left the house.
I was in a daze, did not know what to do. I was thinking I should call the police. But then I thought, no, they would just blame me and say that I made this up because we were in a relationship. And he with his profession would easily turn this against me. I knew how hopeless my situation was.
(Removed by moderator) I threw all of the siblings out, only the boy stayed, because he was my son and I had legally no leg to stand on throwing him out too.
I packed my things and (removed by moderator) I was at the airport, back to the UK.
I told a colleague at work who was from my country. She was angry with me that I did not tell the police and cut all contact with me.
Until today I know I would not have stood a chance and all what I would have got would have been embarrassment.
He did not call for weeks. Then one day he rang me. He wanted to meet up in the UK and talk. I hoped things would get better between us and he would finally want to look for work. How stupid was I !!!
He wanted money off me!
I gave him some money because I wanted to mend the relationship. What was wrong with me???
But I did not go back.
It was a very hot summer and I had started a new and exciting job. I got a phone call that he wanted to end the relationship with me because I did not support him and was not loyal to him. I was devastated. Omg, I was so stupid.
Some time later my brain cleared and the anger came about the financial devastation he has caused me. At that time I still supported my adopted son, went to the flat, cleaned it and filled it with food for him every few months.
Really, what the hell was wrong with me?
He is fully back in that other country, as there he can have his ways. But not as before, because things change there too.
Thanks for letting me rant.
7th May 2016 at 3:28 pm #16633Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
It is not ranting, it is the reality speaking through those words of yours.
I am sat at my desk wondering how you cope with all this…I picture the rape and how you felt, all the emotions that went through your mind…I feel your bitterness, your anger, your despair, the values you wanted to uphold yet couldn’t, how let down you must have felt because of the cultural impact on your situation, it is utterly clear how bad things have been for you.
You have shown in your recent posts a very clear cut view of things, you made Serenity chuckle, but you are strong and your opinion matters. I think the hell you lived made you a decisive person, you show signs of regained self esteem, and you did the right thing in the end. You are now free.
I think it is enormously brave of you to recount your experience, I sense all its impact on your life. I feel absolutely horrified by what you went through, just wanted to let you know in my very simple way…I am reading, it’s an awful story.
I read also the sense of shame you have for being so easily coerced, but you learned in the end, you grew strong, you took the necessary steps I can’t take.
But be kind to yourself, I hope you can accept what one lady I met today told me, we must all allow the bad memories to flood back when they do, and wait for the time when they leave our mind again, temporarily, damage like that never goes away, but we must submit to the pain knowing it will go away again, and each time it reappears, we are better equipped at dealing with it, without so much anguish, and with a sense of surrender that allows the flow to come and then go. Resilience is gained that way, each hurtful remembering time in turn, like a queue of bad demons waiting to get you, but you let them go once they have reappeared, as they do, for sure enough when self esteem comes back, we are on our way to heal.
Rant, remember, write about it, share, explore, be a witness to the evil of this world, don’t feel shame, be yourself and know that you matter, you are the most important person in this world, each one of us is. You make this world a richer place to live in because you uphold your values and state them as true facts. And that’s all that matters.
We all have memories and anniversaries…It is so brave to share those moments. Each one of us heals in their own way.
I just wanted you to know I have read your message.xx BJ
7th May 2016 at 3:46 pm #16634HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear Ayanna, i know its unethical and probably not politically correct but can’t you just erase the step son from your life, i’m not sure if you have done that already? From what you have said the step son was sprung on you when you were young & naive and in a coercive relationship. In an ideal world you would have a loving close bond with him but we are not dealing with ideal worlds. Many people do not see their children, it doesn’t sound like a conventional adoption anyway, more that your ex was using you to look after him?
7th May 2016 at 4:52 pm #16639AyannaParticipant
Thank you so much for your reply BJIF. It means a lot to me. Every year around anniversary time all this comes up in my mind.
HA, I do not understand what you mean. The ‘boy’ does not know where I am and he does not know my name, because I changed it. He can never inherit anything from me because I am in the UK and the laws here are different.
Yet, the trauma bothers me on a regular basis.
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