17th June 2020 at 3:21 am #106561
So I haven’t created many topics but I’ve read quite a few posts now and there’s something that I have noticed that has caught my attention.
I’ve read on here a few times about women who have experienced sexual abuse whilst asleep.
(Detail removed by moderator)
I wonder how many women are being drugged and raped in their (drug induced) ‘sleep’ and don’t even realise it, or are aware of something but just very confused and can’t work it out?
I wonder how many perpetrators blame women’s mental health as a result of their consistently drugging them, e.g. the symptoms women experience from the drugs- being tired, yo-yo-ing from tiredness to anxiousness, not clear thinking etc being labelled as ‘mental health’.
I wonder if women are aware that there are a range of drugs that can be used to induce sleep, not just illegal drugs, or one’s that you’d expect, e.g. Rohypnol. That there are drugs that are available on prescription that could potentially be used, e.g. Benzodiazepines like Diazepam.
I wonder if this is more prolific that what many are aware of and whether GP’s and police should be aware of the possibility and take action accordingly, e.g. take urine samples, hair sample tests (police) if they suspect this could be the case. I wonder what could be done to gather evidence to convict these perpetrators, if there was a suspicion- could police put in cameras to capture evidence?
I’m interested in people’s thoughts around this but I’m also posting it for new women coming to the forum. In the hope that if women do suspect that this could be the case for them, that they can try to access some support around it and can also have the confidence to express their concerns. That this issue isn’t taboo, or even not possible.
17th June 2020 at 5:08 am #106563AnonymousInactive
Ohh, I think this definitely goes on. I am in my (detail removed by moderator) and back when I was being raped starting at (detail removed by moderator), my father used phenobarbital on me. His father used it on him and his sisters. There are vets that are corrupt who give out drugs to these people as well. But plenty of scripts around to be used and street drugs. Been going on for a long time. Look up Devil’s Breath, now that one is very scary…
If someone is groggy, dazed or sick later, can’t really remember much – they should go to their GP asap. Get tested, blood, hair, urine. It’s absolutely a crime, big time. And some of these men are sexual offenders and their mates don’t know about it…So being on lockdown means they can’t go do their thing. So they do it at home. Horrible thought but it is possible.
17th June 2020 at 5:59 am #106564
I used to get woken in the really early hours where I was too groggy and sleep deprived to put up a fight. No drugs required just the sheer exhaustion of living with abuse. Although I was on anti depressants for quite a while which I’m sure he used to his advantage.
18th June 2020 at 9:06 am #106673
Thanks for your responses.
It is shocking and sickening but it is very real and I think it needs to be flagged up and called out. That some perpetrators can and do carry out sexual acts when we are too exhausted to defend ourselves, or take action to ensure that they can carry out whatever sexual acts that they desire through drugging (potentially in secret and without our knowledge).
I posted this in ‘getting out’ in the hope to raise awareness for women who may be experiencing this and may not even fully understand what’s going on, or be aware of what is happening.
If women are exhausted, tired and sleepy and being pressured into sexual acts, this is not acceptable.
If they are exhausted and groggy, or have any symptoms whereby they feel that it may be possible that they are being drugged, I would encourage them to check this out further. Even if they are on prescription drugs, to check that their dose is not being ‘upped’ without their knowledge. Anything really is possible when it comes to perpetrators.
It is clear to see from posts on here that when in an abusive relationship, we do not always see everything that is happening to us clearly. How can we? That is their game of course.
I just want to open the discussion around this area of abuse and make it known that it does happen.
That although it sounds unbelievable, it is possible and that it is not far fetched- at all.
Also, that a possible tactic of this type of abuse may be to convince you that it is your mental health that is causing the tiredness and symptoms, so that you don’t actually get suspicious about being drugged.
I do wonder if it is happening far more than what people realise.
18th June 2020 at 10:19 pm #106742
Hi, thank you so much for posting this, it has made me feel less alone. I too like Kip was raped whilst asleep but nut drugged. I was drunk and tired and groggy and woke in the early hours to find my husband raping me. It wasn’t a one off. But obviously it was my fault! I can’t get it and I am still with him. I now never drink more than a couple of glasses. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. Its affected my life.
I havent posted on here for a while as things have been awful and I’ve been so low.
18th June 2020 at 10:21 pm #106743
Hi, thank you so much for posting this, it has made me feel less alone. I too like Kip was raped whilst asleep but not drugged. I was drunk and tired and groggy and woke in the early hours to find my husband raping me. It wasn’t a one off. But obviously it was my fault! I can’t get it and I am still with him. I now never drink more than a couple of glasses. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. Its affected my life.
I havent posted on here for a while as things have been awful and I’ve been so low.
18th June 2020 at 10:28 pm #106745
My ex used to ply me with drink, eventually I stopped drinking all together. I just knew bad thing’s happened but it never occurred to me he would be deliberately making me drunk.
18th June 2020 at 10:35 pm #106747
That is the same for me, he used to happily buy me wine and for years I didn’t realise his plan. I really struggle to get my head around it all. He belittles it saying it was not a big deal but taking advantage of your wife’s vulnerable state makes me sick. A little part of me still thinks it’s my fault for getting drunk. But then I do know deep down it wasn’t. 😢😢
19th June 2020 at 8:03 am #106762AnonymousInactive
Makes you wonder how many more before you, right? What pathetic excuses for men. They should go find themselves a blowup doll. I know what!! Pretend to get drunk and when he starts up let loose one of those alarms you carry on a keychain and say OMG! sooo sorry I thought you were Chester the Molester!
19th June 2020 at 11:15 am #106778
Good to hear from you.
I’m glad that this post has helped you to feel connected and less alone.
My hope is that in talking openly, we call it out and stamp on any shame that may have been passed over to us.
There is only one group who should be shamed for this behaviour and it is not us, it is our Perpetrators.
Shame on Them.
You are still in this though Spirit? I understand that it takes a long time to process.
Have you spoken to a GP? I worry that I am too direct with my questioning on here but when I hear of someone still in it, I just want to get to the point and quickly.
Looking back, I wish I had spoken openly with my GP- I’d found a lovely GP that I liked and I could have trusted her. I should have talked to her about it all, I should have got blood tests or something but I didn’t understand what was happening fully at the time.
It is incredibly hard to talk about though and is easier to bury I know but I wasn’t on this forum at the time, you are-that takes strength and courage and it is a first step. You know this happens and you are definitely not alone, or to blame.
What help and support have you got around you? If forum is your first step, can you also reach out to a GP, or Women’s Aid to talk some more?
Spirit and KIP, we all know alcohol is a drug and it was used with intent. There is no low that these people won’t go to.
Braelynn, another laugh out loud moment from you there- yes every perpetrator should have one definitely!! Mine has got an Alexa now and it has made me laugh as when I’ve heard him shout at it, my God I pitied poor Alexa-that used to be me! Good to know Alexa is all he can get during lockdown!
19th June 2020 at 11:37 am #106779
Hi, I can’t prove it BUT I know it.
I know he’s done things to me in my sleep.
One time he even admitted to playing with me whilst I was asleep.
But I sleep really deeply. I used to have lots of unexplained bruises around my thighs/legs.
I have woken up and felt wrong. Hard to explain.
There’s lots of other little things… I wrote them down when I was trying to make sense of it.
I even bought spy cameras and Alexa tweeted a notification to HIM that they were arriving – at work.
Yes. I know this has happened. Can’t ever prove it tho.
19th June 2020 at 7:56 pm #106854
Hi soulsearcher, thank you for so much for your message. Unfortunately I am still in the marriage. This has been going on for (detail removed by Moderator) years! I am so traumatised by it all. This support forum is all I have. I have told a few close friends but I feel they have turned their backs on me now as I haven’t left. They are fed up of my upset phone calls. (detail removed by Moderator) I am still embarrassed by it all and still feel it must be my fault.
19th June 2020 at 11:40 am #106781
I did one time wake up, I was lying face down. He was lying on top of me. I remember thinking ‘so this is what goes on’ and then all I remember is pain. I don’t know what happened next. Blank.
19th June 2020 at 11:46 am #106782
Thank you soulsearcher for raising this issue. I find it very difficult to confront. I have some abuse (brother) in my history and find this issue very challenging. It is great to speak (some) about it in a safe environment.
I will read the posts in more detail but for me I find it very difficult. Like there’s a volcano waiting to erupt. Memory perhaps.
19th June 2020 at 1:00 pm #106789
Are you still living in this situation?
Just wanting to establish if you are still experiencing this, or whether you are safe now and in a place to be able to start processing.
Thanks for posting, as I thought- this is a huge issue and one that often is not talked about widely- wise Braelynn, KIP and others will likely be able to explain why us women feel so much shame around this issue and our bodies. Even when we are the ones who have been wronged.
After what I’ve experienced, I’m not afraid to speak of it.
Shout it from the f*****g roof tops if I have to, things need to change.
I know there are so many others out there struggling and repeatedly being abused in this way. You will all probably be able to talk about everything else, all the other wrongs before you will eventually be able to mention this- it has probably been buried so deep and there are all those other unwritten societal rules that further prevent us from speaking out.
If you are in this, if these posts ring alarms for you- Please, please think about talking to someone safe about it, your GP perhaps? Please don’t underestimate this possibility. It is possible. Yes they would. Getting the tests and evidence whilst you suspect it is so important. If you get it, that’s evidence. Game Over for them type EVIDENCE. It’s the type of evidence that can protect you, any children and other women potentially from future abuse. You will know from on here that sometimes you don’t always get the response you should from services, or what you’d expect. If that happens, please talk to us on here for support and encouragement. If you don’t get the right response, it’s not you, talk with us and get some reassurance and we’ll help you navigate it all.
If you are on here already, seeing this, reading posts- you are brave and clever. You have already taken a first step. If you’ve posted a comment, topic, asked a question- that’s a second step. It takes time, it can be incredibly difficult to speak about but it is not impossible. I wish I could tell you that the systems are fantastic- they’re not but there is strength in numbers, forewarned is forearmed. If I knew then what I know now, I would arm myself with support and encouragement from here- talk to the supportive GP I had and get some tests done.
It took me years to get out, years to speak of it. I didn’t have the courage and strength to join this forum when I was in it. Things might have been very different for me if I had.
19th June 2020 at 1:09 pm #106790
Your post made me feel so much physical discomfort. For the moment I can’t talk/write/feel.
19th June 2020 at 1:11 pm #106791
19th June 2020 at 1:21 pm #106795
That’s ok Same-again, take care-catch your breath.
In solidarity sister -Soulsearcher18
19th June 2020 at 4:17 pm #106817AnonymousInactive
The law on the matter…
If you are found guilty of marital rape the sentence is likely to be between 4 and 19 years, depending on the specifics of the case, alongside any mitigating or aggravating factors. The maximum possible sentence in the UK is life imprisonment.
Nick Titchener, director and solicitor advocate at Lawtons Solicitors, discusses this complex area of the law and its implications.
What is marital rape in UK law?
Also known as spousal rape, marital rape is a form of sexual assault under UK law, in contravention of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
The offence occurs when an individual commits a sexual act without the consent of their spouse or their ex-spouse, or against their will. If someone is unable to consent to a sexual act or their consent is obtained by force, threat or intimidation, the sexual act is committed without consent.
Marital rape will also be considered as a form of domestic violence and may also include allegations of assault or that the accused has acted in a controlling and coercive manner.
Implied consent is not sufficient – a spouse should always ensure that their partner has freely provided their consent before engaging in any sexual activity.
Marital rape and the law
Prior to 1992, forced sexual activity within a marriage wasn’t illegal, as a husband could enforce conjugal rights on his wife without committing an offence based on the belief that a wife had provided their ongoing consent through the contract of marriage.
The case of R vs. R which was heard in the House of Lords in 1991 changed the law to the extent that it determined that under UK law it was possible for a man to rape his wife. The courts ruled that, even within a marriage, any non consensual sexual activity is rape.
For the act of marital rape to be prosecuted, the prosecution must prove that:
Penetration of the a**s, mouth or vagina occurred
The act of penetration was intentional
The complainant did not consent to the act of penetration
The defendant did not believe – within reason – that the complaint had consented to the act
Do you have to be married to be charged with marital rape?
The act of marital rape can also be committed by those who cohabit as spouses, but are not legally married.
19th June 2020 at 6:49 pm #106835
1992…shocking that one isn’t it?
So, there are plenty of people in charge of systems currently that were raised and went through their own marriages when rape was lawful and they are now responsible for making decisions under these new laws…
Bearing in mind that in many of the patriarchal systems we have, men are obviously at the helm.
Good information, shows how incredibly difficult it might be to prosecute:
“The defendant did not believe-within reason-that the complainant had consented to the act”
The ‘within reason’ bit is nicely fuzzy.
Too easy for them to get away with it.
Too easy for them to drug women and do whatever they like without fear of consequence.
These are really dangerous perpetrators.
It needs to change.
What should a woman do if she feels that she is being drugged by her perpetrator?
How does she gain evidence of it so that the perpetrator can get prosecuted successfully?
How does she get taken seriously if the perpetrator has convinced her it is mental health, how does she get professionals to believe her and take her seriously?
Can a GP take blood tests?
Is this a police matter, will they take immediate blood, hair tests?
Would they put up cameras to try to capture evidence/bug the home?
I’m really interested to know, if women can be encouraged to speak out earlier and seek support- how would services work to support them to gain evidence to successfully prosecute? Certainly in terms of children and protecting them from very harmful perpetrators long term, gaining evidence and successful prosecution is key.
19th June 2020 at 6:52 pm #106836
The bar for evidence is higher in criminal court than in family court of course.
19th June 2020 at 8:49 pm #106862AnonymousInactive
Hey Ladies……..you do know that you can put a spy camera in your bedroom, right? C’mon now. You suspect this is going on, you can film it. It’s called home security and all that. Someone might be sneaking in, having broke in, whatever. Just sayin’…..
19th June 2020 at 10:06 pm #106877
Braelynn, if only I had. It was all so unclear at the time though. I mean I knew but things were hazy- together with the abuse, I’m not surprised things were hazy.
I hope we can help any other woman to gain some clarity and actually get help to catch them. I want them to be held responsible for their actions.
19th June 2020 at 10:36 pm #106880
Spirit, I missed your last post I’m sorry.
(detail removed by Moderator) years Spirit…
Please, please don’t take on the shame that should be entirely his.
You are not responsible for his actions- that’s what one of the support workers said to me and it stays with me. No matter what, I am not responsible for his actions.
You’ve children, you’ve likely stayed in it for them I guess- that’s why you are hanging in there right now as you said. I get that, I can empathise.
It is never too late Spirit, Never. The women I have met, they have left at all different stages. Some have left whilst the children are young. Sadly, I stayed most of my children’s formative years but hopefully have got out in time to make changes in preparation for the road ahead. Some have left when their children are teenagers, or waited until they are all grown up. If your children aren’t adults yet, there is time to help them understand a new path. If they are, you can actively show them that it is never too late to changes the habits of a lifetime. Sorry, it is hard to glean what stage your children are at.
If you are feeling this way Spirit then it is time to choose life (sorry to sound a bit 90’s trainspotting on you! I mean it really seriously though). You know it’s not right, you will have learnt that from being on here. You know you’re not alone in it, that if you leave, you will not be alone. That you are part of a community already.
For now your friends have gone, some may return, some may not but you will make new friends, I promise. You will feel more connected than what you have ever been, to people and the world around you. You will learn, unlearn and relearn and it will be challenging but it will be restorative.
Have you ever managed to speak to Women’s Aid? Do you think that you could take the step to getting in contact with them if you haven’t? There are lots of ways that you can contact them. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking on the phone, you could use their webchat facility, or send an email. It’s just that you can give them more specific details than you can on forum and then they can help you to discuss possible options.
I wonder how much opportunity you get to get out and access potential support. Do you have freedom to do this? Perhaps with a supportive GP? If you find it hard to talk about, you could write it down (literally just as you go in if worried about him seeing it- then get rid after). I found that I couldn’t speak about it at first, I could only write it down and let others read it but I did have to speak of it when initially gaining support. Everything is over the phone these days and especially with lockdown. That was so hard…I can’t remember now but I may have even had to write something down in order to actually speak the words.
Anyway, I hope that you see this Spirit. I hope it helps you. There is no pressure ever, so keep posting as you need to but know that I’m willing you to seek help and get out- always- all of you.
19th June 2020 at 10:52 pm #106884
Thank you soulsearcher, I have 2 teenagers and an infant. I was a teenager myself when I met my husband. I was having a difficult time at home and struggling with personal issues, I thought he was some stability for me. The mental and sexual abuse started almost straight away but I was so young and naive I didn’t see it. It’s been the past 10 years I have realised. I am so trapped and miserable. I had some counselling not long ago and the counsellor said ‘ you can’t be low and miserable all the time’!!! But I am. If I appear otherwise its a act. I havent accessed any other support. I am scared of not been believed, I am embarrassed too. How to I speak to a women’s aid worker?
19th June 2020 at 11:26 pm #106886AnonymousInactive
You just talk Spirit, like you are doing here……….that’s what they are there for – to believe you because that’s what they do. That’s why they are there, they hear this every day. Nothing new to them. Idiotic statement what your counselor said. Get another one. Of course you are having to act. Hello! Embarrassment? Eh? Once you’ve shown your underwear, you get over it. Once you see that they don’t go running for the door or hang up on you because you did, you know they’ve heard it all before.
Journal…….it helps. So when you do talk to someone, you’ve got something written down to refer to. Just hide it where it won’t be found. It’s not your fault, love. It isn’t. It’s a slow, insidious process that abusers put us through. Especially when we are young and naive it becomes a torture we just accept as normal but it really isn’t, thus the reason why you are so miserable. How about you start towards ending this kind of life? How about that? I’ve been on that edge and it’s an ugly place. People say only cowards do that but that’s not true. It takes alot of courage to want to end things. But like I said – let’s help you end what’s going on here and end this way of life because it’s really not working for you. Then you will leave an example for all of your kids to follow because I’ve got news for them, this can happen to anyone.
No way you can heap all the guilt onto your shoulders because it’s just not true for one thing. You’d have to be a super duper monster here and you’re not. How do I know? They don’t come here and say things like this. They don’t care. Would never ever talk about being guilty or ashamed for squat. But they do so love it when you assume the position however. They will absolutely let you carry it all. Not okay, right? No, it isn’t. It’s way too degrading for them to do so and it messes up their hair.
So practice on us. Talk here like you are doing, keep doing it. When you do talk to a Women’s Aid worker know that they are trained to know how to listen, how to talk back to you and how to ask the right questions and guide you. It’s their job and they take it very seriously. They aren’t like your friends, or your family or your neighbors. They are good at what they do and they do it because – they care.
20th June 2020 at 2:04 am #106890
I get this Spirit, I do.
Yes you can be that low and miserable all the time but somehow we still keep going on and so people think that we can’t be that bad.
Some people just don’t get it Spirit and that is hard when we put our trust in them but they just don’t get it. It is not their fault but it is their problem (not yours)- especially if they’re in the service of helping us. They are the ones that need to go reflect their practice and go do some reading up. They are only human I guess but it is frustrating. I’m not afraid to tell workers now, gently of course.
Women’s Aid will believe you and it is just like you are talking to us on here. I actually think that being on forum is a bigger leap you know. Those of you who have joined on here, you jumped straight into a community, a group. A big supportive but tell it how it is, lively group. It’s fantastic- you can see already, yes it is possible, yes there is life after, I have already started to build my support network.
Speaking to a Women’s Aid worker is speaking with one person (you can read from notes if it helps, just take care he doesn’t find them), who will have supported many women and who (I am sad to say) won’t be shocked by what you tell them but will reassure you and listen carefully and without judgement. They will then gently talk you through your options and offer you on-going support with no pressure and at your own pace.
I remember speaking to mine the first time, it was after I had told an old friend at long last. The look on her face was the realisation that I had to do something. I also felt like you do now I think.
I made the call. I remember telling the adviser that I had only just told a friend and that I hadn’t ever spoken about it before and that I hated speaking of things over the phone generally but especially to share this. She reassured me, unfortunately all referral services are over the phone these days and so, I had already told a friend (just as you have done on here with us) and I was desperate for help and so I thought- I’ve got to do it.
She didn’t rush me and was patient and gentle. I was not rushed into a decision but I was told that I was in a high risk situation- people were talking about what is your red line moment the other day. I think this was one for me. Hearing that from a professional, that was the wake up call that I needed. But I want to reassure you that they did not rush me, they would have worked with me over a period of time had I of chosen to. There are many women I have met since leaving who spend a period of time working with a support worker to learn about their options and gain support prior to leaving.
I just think that, if it is possible for you to access regular professional domestic abuse support, as well as forum. It might help you to build your strength a bit.
Are these forums open to support workers I wonder- can they view them. You could even direct them to this forum and topic if it is possible and get them to read through to help them get a picture possibly? Just a thought.
Hope this helps, let us know your thoughts.
20th June 2020 at 1:44 pm #106930
Thank you so much Braelynn and soulsearcher. I am so grateful for your advice and support. I did speak to a work colleague yesterday and I opened up a lot. She was very shocked and upset. I think I am ready to speak to a women’s aid worker now.
I am having an awful day again, and I feel so drained, like I can’t go on but I get up every day and do, for my children. I am worried about my mental health as I do keep having thoughts of ending my life as it seems easier. My teenagers sometimes seem to hate me and side with their dad even though they are aware of a lot of the abuse. That upsets me. It’s more when I retaliate to him and that puts him in a worse mood, the children then blame me. It’s all such a mess. At the moment I honestly can’t see a way out or any happiness.
20th June 2020 at 3:47 pm #106937AnonymousInactive
Talk to the aid worker asap Spirit. There is always a way out, always. I have been in the blackest darkest dark and so very wounded, confused, terrified and hopeless but let me tell you something and never ever forget it…..that little tiny bit of Ummph that brought you here, that brings a smile to your face still towards your children, that appreciates the warmth and kindness of another towards you – that – is what turns this world on it’s ear and always has. That is Lady Jane Gray, that is Princess Diana, That is Joan of Arc because all three of them were looking straight at an impossible situation and yet they put their will in motion, against incredible odds and forged a path history will not forget. We are no less than them. Different circumstances but women who no doubt would stop in their tracks for you and say – don’t you dare spend one more minute in that mud, bring your face up to mine and look at me…..this life is worth fighting for because it is a miracle you are even here and No one, absolutely No one has the right to take it from you! You made it this far so get off your belly and let me hear you Growl, let me hear you get angry, let me see your Spirit on fire. This isn’t your end, this is your beginning. I mattered when I was where you are and it only took one little spark for me to say – what in the world am I doing here? I CAN rock this, don’t know how, can’t see anything but dark right now but I sure as h**l not going out like this!! Go make that call!!
20th June 2020 at 4:07 pm #106940Wants To HelpParticipant
You know what @Braelynn, you are proof that one little spark of hope in an awful situation can turn in to one bloomin’ enormous inferno! You burn so bright and strong, you are the oxygen on here that helps to get those little sparks burning bigger and stronger. Total respect to you lovely lady for everything you have achieved and all that you do to help others. xx
20th June 2020 at 4:21 pm #106943AnonymousInactive
Eh, just speak about what I know to be true and no less than what “you” do and so many others do on here. I just get really angry seeing how one person can do this to another and bring them to their knees and I’m not having it. None of it. Walking through fire Can be Done! We have more power in our little toe compared to what bullying cowardly abusers have – that’s why they cripple us – to keep us from knowing that. As far as our kids go – during this lockdown they are scared, frustrated, not able to see out either and they still look to us for guidance and of course they just want to go the path of least resistance. We are not them. We are adults. And what we do now, regardless of whether they like it or not or understand it or not is vital to their wellbeing now and far into their future. When they are in their darkest moments will look back at their mum and say – she rose up, so can I!
20th June 2020 at 4:24 pm #106945AnonymousInactive
Talk to us Spirit……we’ve got you. I’m going to worry here if I don’t hear from you…. I’m a worry wart, big time. I wish I had had this place in so many of my horrible times in life. I had no one. So let’s walk out of this cornfield together. No more circles, just a straight path out. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, one step at a time. I got the kettle on so you just keep letting it out here, okay? Your sisters are here….
21st June 2020 at 12:22 am #107019
Hey Braelynn, wise, wise words. WanttoHelp is spot on there, it’s the way you tell it-straight up. Call it out, say it loud- no shame here.
I’m a worrier too though Braelynn.
Spirit- you ok? That’s good you told someone at work, that is so brave. Talking to a Domestic Abuse adviser should be easier, they are trained and they just know what to say.
I know you are going to be ok, I know that because you made it here and you’re talking to us, you’re reaching out. You’ve got strength and fire in your belly, he’s just worn you down but he won’t take that- it’s inherent in you.
The children, they just think that they know but they don’t. They don’t know and they don’t understand.
You Do Spirit, it may feel confusing and overwhelming but you know best about what needs to happen for all of you.
You are the most important person in their lives, you are Mother.
It is not your fault.
You are not responsible for his actions.
You are important.
You deserve to Live, not exist.
You deserve better.
I hope you get chance to check in with us soon Spirit. If you need to talk urgently though, please call your doctors, or call Samaritans- someone on here recommended them the other day. I’ve put some helpline numbers here for you just in case. I know I’ve had to call for help at late o clock before now, these feelings and emotions aren’t 9-5.
Samaritans (24/7 service) – 116 123
National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/)
21st June 2020 at 7:15 am #107024
Hi, thank you everyone for your support. I am OK, I am going to work this morning so that is a break for me then supposed to be having my dad round for father’s day!! I just feel like staying at work. I gave left father’s day up to the kids, I couldn’t bring myself to get anything for him. I will Come back on here later, thank you so much. I feel overwhelmed with your comments and support. You are all very wise.
21st June 2020 at 8:22 am #107025
I remember always wearing pyjamas even in summer. Now I sleep naked and it feels great. We live in a state of intimate terrorism having to change our behaviours to survive this which takes up valuable headspace we should be using to escape and round and round we go.
21st June 2020 at 8:37 am #107029AnonymousInactive
So true, KIP. sooo true. It is precisely intimate terrorism. I remember seeing little signs in my head afterwards, can’t do this, can’t do that, etc. and I just got really angry about it and started tearing them all down and doing whatever the heck I felt like doing. We don’t need permission to be ourselves. Otherwise we are walking around in a body someone else is using. And if I want to go to the market in my pajamas and bunny slippers I will! I have actually done that, btw…..:)
21st June 2020 at 12:23 pm #107056
Spirit, good to hear from you. Glad that you are safe. You are going to be ok, you are on your way. We got you.
KIP, yes- the wearing of PJama’s. I remember when I was telling about it, I was asked what I wear and I said PJ’s. Which then begged the question, where were they, how etc? It had been going on so long, I had forgotten that in the beginning, before it all- I didn’t wear PJs and layer up. I wore nighties, or T-shirts…not intentional at all but that was easy access and after I realised, that’s when I covered up more.
In the end though, I’d have worn a chastity belt with a padlock if I could have. No joke.
I dreamed of sleeping in a spare room if I’d of had that option and envied friends who had a spare room but then I thought, it wouldn’t matter anyway- he’d get to me wherever I was.
Intimate Terrorism…that needs talking about more, what it is, what it means, the impact of it. That’s exactly what it is.
Braelynn- the freedom afterwards. The liberation!
21st June 2020 at 4:44 pm #107091AnonymousInactive
Spirit!!! So good to hear from you! Glad you have work to go to and absolutely leave father’s day up to the kids. Not that he has been one…. You just come on back here when you can. We are all here waiting, listening. We’re a sassy little lot. Not much we haven’t heard or been through. We are a sisterhood. A rather strong one. So pull up a seat. You are very welcome here. No strangers at this table.
22nd June 2020 at 7:12 pm #107276
You are all so positive, thank you. I too sleep in pj’s and I dont even wear a dress in the summer as he just touches me all the time and calls me a
P***k tease. It’s awful. I had an awful day yesterday and I felt I couldn’t take it anymore. I was miserable and low and couldn’t handle it. My eldest teenager couldn’t handle my low mood and told me to leave and move out as I was bringing the house mood down!! She is all over her dad recently and they both often laugh and mock me. I think I will end up taking the youngest child and leaving soon. Has anybody else had experience of their children wanting the abusuve parent? It is tearing me apart.
22nd June 2020 at 8:04 pm #107286AnonymousInactive
It happens, Spirit. He’s using her……has gotten to her somehow. And the bullying becomes a group. You may need to do what you said. Your eldest will either come to her senses or she will decide to be a bully as well. Her choice at this point. All this isn’t ok, for you to be continually kicked and basically tortured. Whatever you do – do it wisely. Contact a WA support worker and or a solicitor. Know your rights, leave with everything you should leave with….go here…https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/
24th June 2020 at 2:20 am #107449
Spirit, so much of what you write rings true with me and also rings major alarm bells. I know that you’ve hit a point where you can zone out from the noise of these though. That you are numb perhaps?
But, in the last few days- you have shared with us what’s going on for you and you have also managed to talk at work about it. You probably won’t feel, or see this but this is a major shift for you.
If you could now just take the step to contact someone professional for support. You could always email Women’s Aid and copy and paste what you’ve already written to us to get the conversation started. You will be able to give them more specific details though and they will then be able to advise you on your options and next steps.
I’m popping the link down here again so you can access webchat, or email etc
26th June 2020 at 9:18 am #107610
Thank you soulsearcher. I am very very low and very scared all the time. I am worried about my mental health but I know it is just because of him. I am generally stable in all other aspects of my life. I am worried about going to the gp as I don’t want anything to come back on me. If I leave he will try to destroy me. I will try and contact someone today.
26th June 2020 at 11:18 am #107616
Spirit, this is entirely on him ok.
Your an absolute warrior and I don’t say that lightly. You’ve got a strength he can only dream of.
But please, I really hope (if you can do so safely) that you can make the call today, or get that appointment to get some help with the affects he is having on you.
Ultimately Spirit, you need to get out of this. There is just not other way of putting it.
You need Women’s Aid support too Spirit but with the way you have been feeling, GP support, Women’s Aid- any one of those two. GP support may be more accessible- and if they are fully booked, this is urgent they should give you an appointment today.
I do know it is hard, even just to say I am experiencing ‘Domestic Violence’but you can do it, you’ve done it here with us and with your colleague. Once you say those words a lot will happen for you- don’t panic that all choice will be taken from you- you will be in the driving seat but they will move mountains for you and you will be presented with much needed options. Just to give you another option, if you are really struggling to speak, most surgeries have an email. You could get that and put it all down in an email to them but make sure they know that you are going to email and that it is urgent and mark it as urgent in the subject. (Sorry if I am being too direct and telling you what to do, I’m just thinking aloud really quickly)
Easy for me to say but please focus on you and yours right now and getting the help you need- let the professionals and us help you deal with him when you get the other side. Believe me, we’ll help you channel that quiet strength on him if needed and it’ll be no match- I promise you that.
Keep checking in with us whatever the case though Spirit, I’ll continue to lookout for you on here. We’re with you every step.
26th June 2020 at 1:10 pm #107628
Thank you x
1st August 2020 at 3:01 pm #111379
With all of the recent headlines about reduction in rape and sexual assault cases being prosecuted, I wanted to raise this post again. To bring attention to the sexual abuse that survivors may experience.
I also want to bring up the conversation and raise again the possibility that a tactic that perpetrators may also potentially use is to rape and sexually assault survivors whilst they are ‘sleeping’, or unconscious. That this could be done via the use of legal, or illegal substances, such as alcohol or prescription drugs. That perpetrators could use the ‘mental health’ of a survivor as an excuse to mask that they may be drugging survivors without their knowledge, in order to carry out their abuse.
I want survivors to be vigilant if perpetrators are using their mental health as a weapon, or tool during an abusive relationship.
I want survivors to be aware of any unexplained symptoms that they experience during an abusive relationship that either they, or their perpetrator may attribute to their ‘mental health’ in the absence of any other explanation
feeling unusually tired-actually not just tired, physically and mentally exhausted all the time despite blood tests repeatedly coming back clear for any physical cause.
feeling heavy limbed
any unexplained and unusual sensations/ feelings/pain or smells in their vagina or a**l area, things that don’t feel ‘normal’ for you down there.
experiences on-going, intermittent pain and discomfort in their bodies that is unexplained, e.g. pain in scalp (from pulled hair potentially), pain in nose and bloodshot face/eyes (from suffocation potentially), feeling like you have done a marathon in your sleep, e.g. overstretched groin pain on waking (from having your legs overstretched and pulled apart with weight on them potentially)
feeling dizzy, foggy, or confused
changes to memory, being forgetful
being unusually clumsy
shaky hands- not through nerves or anxiety
finding it physically difficult to get up in the morning
awaking regularly in the night with stomach/shooting pains (unexplained through GP/hospital tests)
and pain/burning in the a**l area
be particularly aware if you are experiencing ‘mood swings’ around the time of your periods and your perpetrator is using this to get you to access birth control as a means to ‘manage’ them, especially if they seem overly interested in you doing this and angry if you don’t.
be aware if you suddenly start to ‘feel better’ if you have time away from home and away from your perpetrator and you seem both physically and mentally clearer and have more energy.
If any survivors have ever been awoken from their ‘sleep’ to a sexual act, or attempts at one and been too exhausted to communicate, or fallen back to ‘sleep’, I would particularly encourage them to make notes of any symptoms that they experience.
I understand that some of the above symptoms and feelings can be as a result of the psychological abuse of perpetrators and also from anxiety and depression, however I just want survivors to be aware and if something just doesn’t feel right but you can’t explain it- make note of it. I also appreciate some survivors may use prescription drugs, alcohol and illegal drugs to help them cope and so some of the above can be linked to those but just be aware if your in an abusive relationship- if you sometimes feel overwhelmingly exhausted at times- like you’ve had a double dose of your prescription drug…is it possible that this might actually be the case?
I don’t wish to panic, or alarm anyone but if you are in an abusive relationship, my intention is just to raise awareness of this possibility, especially if you already experience coercive sexual abuse within it. I want to start the conversations and discussions around it, to out the possibility of it- ultimately to assist potential victims to gain the evidence to shine a light on and convict perpetrators.
The other factor I have become aware of since being on this forum is that although many survivors, including myself are more comfortable to discuss the emotional effects of abuse experienced- many do not find it as easy to discuss sexual abuse. It has also become apparent how many survivors do not speak of this abuse and therefore many continue to carry the belief that this area of abuse may have somehow been their fault, or this side of the abuse is minimised. It is often wrapped in shame and buried very deep.
What prompts me to continue to share and speak of this on forum is how once a conversation is opened about sexual abuse, it becomes apparent how prevalent it is and given the recent headlines and the failures of current systems in place, I feel compelled to continue to shine a light on this area of abuse.
I hope that this post is not too sensitive, it is written and shared with the very best of intentions and I welcome any feedback-whatever that may be.
In solidarity and in hope of much needed change to the machine
5th August 2020 at 12:07 am #111612
In light of recent headlines about drop in rape and sexual assault cases being prosecuted and failure to protect women I’m attempting to put the link from the Rights of Women website that will give info about the rights of women who experience sexual violence.
5th August 2020 at 12:20 am #111614
Info on sexual assault and causing someone to engage in sexual activity
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.