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Hi everyone,hope you are all ok. I’ve taken steps towards counciling and I’m wondering if anyone else has found it helpful? I’m feeling like what’s happened to me is eating me alive. I can’t share what he did with anyone who knows me cos I don’t want to inflict the image of what he did to me on anyone else if that makes sense? I feel as though I’m not being myself and I can tell people are wondering why,they know I was in a s****y relationship but have no idea that I was sexually assaulted,raped and abused. I want to scream it from the rooftops,I want people to know what he is,but that would mean them knowing what he did to me. I close my eyes and all I see is his open mouth coming towards me to bite me or him shoving things in my mouth to choke me,I think about it and I’m there again. I wish beyond anything I had my time over when I went to the police station cos I sat there and told them he was harassing me and the lady asked me if had ever been violent, sexual or otherwise and I said no! I was too scared to tell them,too scared to get him into trouble cos I knew that if I did he’d of thrown acid over me as I did the school run, that was a threat he gave me and it gives me nightmares still. I’m hoping that sitting and telling someone all the things he did to me will help move on,I hope beyond anything that they will tell me I’m not being crazy to still feel traumatised cos I’m starting to feel like I’m wallowing,like I’m standing and looking at a car crash instead of just walking away. I’m sorry for the long rambling post… I’m just looking for some help I suppose. Kind regards everyone xxc
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What happened to you is absolutely horrific. No wonder you’re reacting the way you are. Abuse victims often minimise the abuse for different reasons. Counselling is definitely what you need. Keeping a dreadful secret like that will also destroy you, eat you up. Is there anyone you can confide in without going into graphic details to them. I was so scared to tell my family but they were great. My mum said she wished I’d told her sooner so she could help. My ex threatened all sorts too. It’s how they control and intimidate us into not speaking up. The police understand that victims often lie and defend their abusers until they are ready to speak out so there is nothing wrong with contacting the sexual abuse unit who have trained female officer and reporting his crimes whenever you are ready. In the meantime read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’. ‘Living with the Dominator’ see if that helps give you a little understanding of coercive control. And keep posting. Remember there is a rape crisis helpline as well as a women’s aid helpline. Talk to them. They understand. You’ve been through a terrible trauma so be very kind to yourself x
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Thank you so much for reading and responding. I had a bit of a breakdown on my sister last night,it all just came flooding out,she’s really helpful and understanding, she stayed over with me,but I saw her start to cry as she left this morning and it breaks my heart that it’s because of me,I feel awful for putting these images of me in her head,I’m her little sister and she wishes she could of protected me. He groomed the entire family,I used to watch how he was with them and my skin would crawl. I’ve had a few weeks where I’ve felt ok,I’ve been jogging and doing yoga…then bam! I’m back to square one. I just wish I could forget. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to go back to the police,I can’t imagine ever being strong enough. I’m ready to talk to someone though so I’ll see what happens. Again, thanks so much.
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Hello Bleedingheart,
I just wanted to show you some support. Thank you so much for your brave and honest post. I am so sorry for what you have been through, the abuse sounds really dangerous and frightening. I am so pleased that you are out of the relationship and I hope you are feeling safe?
It is great that you have posted here and that you have opened up to your sister. None of what has happened to you is your fault. You are not to blame. Please do try to phone the helpline when you have a safe moment. They can talk to you about your situation and offer you advice and support. They can help put you in touch with your local Women’s group, which can also be found here – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ Perhaps the freedom project might also be helpful to you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hello there my lovely strong friend. You’re sister isn’t crying because of you, it’s because of what he did to you. She’ll cry, get stronger and will be able to be there for you now, let her in as much as you want to or can.
Talking to us on here, that’s a huge step you have taken. There’s no timeline to getting over abuse, we are all unique and as such deal with things at different levels and time.
Don’t ever beat yourself up, you’re doing so well at trying to do good things for your healing. I started back to my slimming class. In 3 months I’ve lost 1lb, I’m not ready to eat healthily yet, but I’m going to be amongst women(and some men), I’m going to get away from him for a few hours a week. One day I’ll get back to Pilates, the absolute love of my life(exercisewise), knowing you’re worth making the effort fir when he’s been the one who’s made you feel worthless. I’m trying to tell myself, I don’t need him to validate me, I can do that for me, slowly day by day we do start to believe it.
Just take it baby step by baby step. Like everything in life, sometimes we have to go back to basics.IWMB 💕💕
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Thank you so much Lisa and IWMB, I do feel safe,I moved to following the abuse and he’s never been here,this is mine and my child’s safe haven. I’ve had so much helpful and constructive advice today,such as book recommendations and advice line numbers,it’s absolutely made my day posting on here and feeling like I’m among friends,and for that,I’m forever grateful. I have to look at the positives in life and the positive at the moment is that I’ve got the wheels in motion for counciling and numbers I can call for help and advice,I’m ending the day much more positively than I started it. Lots of love to you all.
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Well it’s now 5 o clock ,I’ve been awake since 2.I haven’t had this problem with sleep for ages,I know my panic attacks are just around the corner,my hearts been racing all day and night. I’m so fed up of swimming against the tide. I felt so much better last night but then my body won’t let me rest. I feel like he’s here in the shadows.
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Hi Lisa,I’ve been really struggling to be honest. I think the reason behind it is (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t see him,but knowing he was in there possibly watching me was bad enough. I feel so much calmer this evening cos my worst nightmare was his child being there and him there watching but I’ve got through it and I survived the night without bumping into him. I’m hoping this is what’s being causing me to feel so anxious. I’m eagerly awaiting a text to arrange my pre assessment for my counciling. Thank you so much for your message,you are right,off loading on here really does lift a weight,it’s so nice to know people care 💓
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Hi Bleedingheart,
Thank you for your recent reply. I’ve just had to edit it a little in case it could risk identifying you on here. However it sounds like a very valid reason to trigger you, bringing back the trauma and associated fear.
I’m glad you’re feeling a bit calmer now. Take each day at a time, and keep doing some self-care whenever you can. You may also find it helpful to write down some thoughts, as they come up.
I hope you hear about counselling soon,Kind Regards,
Lisa
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