Reactive abuse? I said some terrible things to him.

[gettingtired]

I’m very ashamed to be writing this here but during his latest abusive episode, I was so sleep deprived and stressed that I told him I wish he would just drop dead! Not just once either. I also swore and called him names. I can’t help but feel terrible for this. It’s not in my nature to behave this way nor to literally shake with rage and frustration. I did say sorry after but I also felt obliged to make more of an apology. However, my therapist pointed out that this would probably just make him feel more justified in his treatment of me so I didn’t. I still feel awful though as that must have been horrible for him to hear. I’m saying all of this when the reality is he put me through Hell but as usual I always feel more sorry for him.
Has anyone else ever said some terrible things to their abuser out of pure frustration/anger/fear etc? How did you cope with it after?

[Twisted Sister]

hi gettingtired

Each one of us has our own limits! sounds like you hit yours and you’ve had enough.

The fact that you feel dreadful shows you that you are not doing it to be deliberately abusive to him, but out of sheer frustration and being at your witzend with it all! It isn’t something you premeditated in order to assert control over him, but it is also telling you that you are escalating with him which does make your situation a lot more precarious for you, more risky for sure.

YOu need to do whatever you need to do to keep safe for now.

I never have called the abuser anything, but I have had to defend myself and children 🙁 and I didn’t recognise myself, its completely alien to me, and was at some the worst times.

We each have to get through the best we can, and maybe this for you is your warning of how much too far things have gone for you, the dramatic change its having on you?

warmest wishes

ts

[gettingtired]

Thank you TS, I know he’s the abusive one not me and that I didn’t mean it. The problem is I end up feeling sorry for him for being an abuser in the first place! I feel bad because I think I know deep down although it will be extremely tough to leave him, that I might have a shot of happiness one day. Whereas for him, he’s an alcoholic, uses drugs, has isolated himself away from friends and doesn’t work. He has a toxic family who enable him and walk on eggshells so whilst they’re around his abuse will continue. Then once his parents die he’ll no doubt be unable to cope because of them always bailing him out and protecting him. So this all makes me feel sorry for him and guilty that I don’t have these same problems. It’s ridiculous I know x

[KIP.]

Just remember that he will absolutely love it when you lose control. That’s his aim. To get you to say hurtful things because he knows he can use them against you to justify his own abusive behaviour. He will be walking on cloud nine and enjoying every minute. While you’re stressed and drained and looking at your own behaviour. Classic abusers tactics.

[gettingtired]

The big blow ups tend to happen late at night where he’ll have been drinking already for a while. This then causes a problem because I’ll just want to go up to bed but he’ll continue to harass and bully me so that I can’t sleep. If I have work the following day then this only adds more to the stress as I’m then panicking I won’t get any sleep before work. So the sleep deprivation and frustration is what makes me snap. I find it hard to remain calm x

[nbumblebee]

Theres no way no way at all you should feel bad after what he puts you through no way at all.
We all have our limit and im not suprised you reaches yours. The fact that you are on here feeling bad feeling guilty shows that you are a kind increadable brave amazing lady and that you deserve so much more you really do.
I often feel full of hate and anger write it down let it out that way next time but know you have absolutly nothing to be sorry about. X

[gettingtired]

Thank you nbumblbee x*x

[Bananaboat]

It’s a natural response when pushed so far, and as others said, exactly what he wanted so he can twist it against you. One comment after that much pushing…you should be amazed you didn’t break more. Don’t beat yourself up, this absolutely does not make you the abuser.

[gettingtired]

Thank you, it’s the sleep deprivation that makes me snap. It’s so hard to remain calm in these situations with such a chaotic person x

[Anonymous]

Oh yes totally relate to this , my ex used to wind me up so much that I was literally screaming at him abuse in every room he went in , I was like a crazy person myself, my nerves were shattered by his constant criticism of me , drunken behaviour, control , abuse . I was near breaking point , I can’t even remember the last 4 months of the relationship as it was so bad . I think they push you to react in this way as they love the drama & the attention, obviously the more you lose it with them the more you show you care so they use this against you in future arguments as a weakness . It’s very hard to just walk away and show no emotion when someone is constantly at you especially when your tired your more liable to snap , which happened in my case also . It became very toxic on both sides , my character changed to this unrecognisable person as that’s how they make you in the end , I was angry , resentful and looking for arguments myself in the end as I completely was drained , exhausted from the relationship. I did apologise for my behaviour towards him etc a few times , but in the end I tried not to let him get in my head so I would react to him , I walked away and never responded anymore to him . My whole character has changed now I’m back to the person I was before I met him , I turned into someone I didn’t like either .

[gettingtired]

Sorry you had to experience this chaotic behaviour as well. Like you said it’s the sleep deprivation that causes me to snap as his big blow ups generally always happen late at night. It’s even worse if I have work the following day as I’m then even more stressed panicking I won’t be able to get enough sleep before work x

[Anonymous]

Gettingtired as your name describes your not just getting tired, your exhausted, your reactions are completely normal for someone who is being antagonised/abused. When we are being abused our limbic system goes into overdrive (sometimes it changes) the fact that your genuinely remorseful shows your not and never will be an abuser (if those are your fears) abusers don’t feel guilt (they can fake it) they’re not like us, your ok hun, trust me, your ok 🤗🤗🤗

[gettingtired]

Thank you Auriel. What’s funny is I joined this forum thinking I’d just make a quick profile, ask for some advice on the best way to deal with him and his anger, then leave. If I’d known I’d still be here now I’d have chosen a better name 😂 you’re right I am exhausted though.
It’s funny how you said they fake it, I’ve realised I’ve gone through life up to this point very naively, taking everyone at face value and believing what people say. He comes across as incredibly genuine which has always confused me as well. For example, he’ll treat me like a piece of 💩 but then another time may talk about some random person or celebrity who’s treated someone badly/been abusive. He sounds so sincere when he says how disgusting their behaviour is! I guess it makes him feel better about himself x

[Anonymous]

They won’t see it about themselves, it doesn’t buy into their delusional version and yeah your right putting other people down (even when they do exactly the same thing) does make them feel better about themselves
🌟💜🌟

[Hereforhelp]

Hey gettingtired, yes I can relate, it got to a point that I would either, freeze, fight or take off (flight) with nerves shattered, mentally I was exhausted and words would spew from my mouth (until I got scared as he would ‘restrain’ me *which to him meant sex afterwards*. When i look back he enjoyed seeing me in despair, it gave him something to hold onto, it gave him power. I have forgiven myself now. Would you judge me? I don’t think you would? We all have our limits as we are human and DA is like the drip drip of water torture at times and makes us feel mental, you are not, you have apologised as you are a kind, caring person. Has he owned what he has done/is doing to you? Has he apologised and stopped his abuse?
Stay safe lovely and keep posting ❤

[gettingtired]

Thank you Hereforhelp. When he’s having these ridiculous blow ups (he is a nightmare when it happens) he sometimes has a smirk on his face and it gives me the creeps as I find it hard to get my head around the fact he might be enjoying this total chaos. It’s very difficult to understand especially as when he’s being ‘normal’ he’s basically pretty down to earth, funny and actually good company.
He sometimes apologises but often says how we were both bad and that it was a bad argument. I guess apologising then doing it again repeatedly is just manipulation though. He sounds and seems so sincere though so it’s hard to think he’s lying x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Glad you posted this

I can relate to where you are

I think standing up for ourselves or reacting and reaching our limits consumes us with anxiety as we are so used to being put and kept in our place. We are not bad people

Remind yourself why you reacted and how you got to where you are you are not the bad one!

X*x

[Ariadne]

Hi @gettingtired,

As the others have said, it is normal. They will push you to the point of snapping and then they’ll be the ones talking calmly or mocking you for you losing your cool. I ended up slapping my ex once when he decided again to insult me, after so many times of me asking him not to. I felt immediately terrible and thst was when I realised that I didn’t like who I had become in the relationship. Still stayed for a long while after… And aI still regret that, but I wonder if he regrets what he did to me as much.
Maybe you should consider that too!

Take care <3

[Mime]

Hi gettingtired

I like your name! I can relate to so much of this – especially the smirking – its one of the things that made me realise he was abusive, because he smirks when he sees the pain he causes – its chilling.

For me, its more that when I’ve been driven to the point beyond where I can cope, I’ve hurt myself- mostly by hitting myself, and then he tells me I’m crazy and out of control and he is disdainful and sneers at me.

I manage to take myself away from him before I reach that point now, but I’ve still done it to myself, for example in the bathroom. I’ve got to the point where I can’t contain the rage and the hurt and it all comes out directed at myself.

It’s a terrible feeling- they abuse us, and then we add to abuse through our reactions to the abuse. Its a double bind / catch 22, and it is crazy making.

Sending you love xx thank you for posting xx

[Author]

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