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    • #8075
      Sadandconfused
      Participant

      My ex was extremely abusive to both my daughter and I. I fled with pretty much nothing and when I was there lived in total terror. I have been reading over some old texts and page after page you would never think a thing was wrong.

      Has anyone else managed to keep things looking so normal? I never dared to even speak back. He always said that I was confused and that i’m a liar and actress looking over the messages is really scary.

    • #8114
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Sadandconfused,

      I just wanted to show you some support. You have done so brilliantly and been so brave. Sadly we all know that many abusive relationships seem to be functioning perfectly normally it is just the fear that runs deep bellow the surface which would not be apparent at all in your text. His behaviour of trying to convince you that it is you that is a liar and that you are confused is also very typical and part of his plan to try and keep you trapped in your in your relationship. This tactic is called ‘gas lighting’ and means that once you are no longer feeling confident in your own perceptions and feelings you are more likely to stay in the relationship.

      Please get plenty of support from your local Women’s Aid group. They will help you explore your feelings and help you rebuild your confidence.

      We are all here for you.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #8117
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      dear sadandconfused

      i wanted to send you lots of support for being so courageous to break free of the abusive ex, and for posting your thoughts here, and very much welcome you and hope you feel lots of support.

      your message sounded very familiar to me, i would shake receiving a text from him at the end, but outside noone knew. I told one person that i was shaking because he’d sent me a text and it meant nothing to them.

      i think you will find that your story is a very familiar one with women here, we are called liars and actresses and not allowed to have reactions to their awful behaviour, or go through normal behaviours/feeling ourselves.

      to so many from the outside it all looks normal or that you are the confused and stressed one and he is calm and in control! hmmm.

      warmest wishes xxKS

    • #8120
      Sadandconfused
      Participant

      Thank you guys. It was a long time ago now but I’ve had to read through them for court and yes that is exactly what I have been called actress and liar. The messages do make life seem like it was perfect and then the doubt creeps although I know it was far far from.

      His behavior throughout any dealings with the process has been appalling and even what he has put in his papers is just so obviously a vile and nasty personal attack and not relevant to anything. He doesn’t respond to points as they are he imagines what they say then rants. I am going to be facing him in the next few weeks once and for all with all agencies stood behind me maybe then he will realize that he can’t behave like this and get away with it?

      I’m terrified but glad in a weird way that finally he will see that I am believed and supported and that the viscous and personal lies he is trying to pedal against me are going to be seen as just what they are.. A way to punish and continue to abuse someone who had the strength to leave.

    • #8127
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      Yeah i too lived a double life, what else can u do its a survival mode, even id people knew they ignored, in the end we die within our self and ignore , doesnt mean it didnt happen, Admititing it happened is painful , when it gets to much i just switch off, its weird how u can shut it all out when gets unbearable, i could be really sitting there crying and then i just switch off when its too much, i sound mental myself when i talk about it

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