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I’ve just finished reading (secretly) Pat Craven’s book – living with the dominator and I’m now reading Bancroft’s Why does he do that? These books are so good and it really helps me to see the bully and abuser that he is. Rather than getting really upset and emotional, I feel like a pychotherapist / psychologist somethimes as I sit and listen / watch his behaviour. I’m still too scared to leave him though. That’s my problem.
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Hi Whathaveidone. I am in the same situation as you. I have also read ‘Why does he do that?’ and its amazing to recognise the behaviours but even though I now understand what he is doing is abuse I still can’t walk away. I am just too scared of what he’ll do. He will make my life a living nightmare! Also he looks after all our finances and I work for him so I don’t have access to money to support me and my daughter if I did leave. My family don’t live nearby so I don’t have anywhere to go either. Basically I feel trapped!
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Hi Moonflower1, wow we really are in similar situations. I also effectively work for him. A few years ago he gave up his job to start a business. This was after we were in a relationship and I effectively became his PA, employee and accountant all rolled into one. We both work from home so he can monitor my every move. Although he doesn’t have direct access to my bank accounts, I have to report every single expenditure to him and report to him budgets, how much money we have / doesn’t have etc but he holds me responsible for HIS excessive spending. Then he tells me that I’m useless at managing finances, managing him and that I need to take control of situations (as if that’s possible?) if I’m that bad, I can’t see why he won’t do it himself (because he knows he is the one that is useless at managing money).
Anyway it’s so complicated but he set it up that way so it’s easy to monitor and control me. I don’t have a job / earn money in my own right, I have no share in the business so if I leave, I will have no money. He prevented me from getting qualifications at higher education so I don’t know how I would get a job easily if I left. But I’m too scared too. He would probably hurt my mum or brother and they are the only people I can live with. I have no friends. Worst of all, he appears to have such a temper or will explode if he doesn’t get what he wants that I’m scared that if I put a foot wrong, he’ll eventually hurt me.
I haven’t finished reading Why does he do that? But so far, it’s really helping because it’s like somebody else other than him is speaking to me and understands what I’m going through. This forum has been great too.
I hope one day we will be able to break free. Fingers crossed!
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Oh whathaveidone our stories do seem so similar but I think from what you say you are much younger than I am and you don’t have children. You have your whole life ahead of you – don’t waste any more time being unhappy.
Why do you think he will hurt your mum or brother? Does he physically hurt you? Mine doest hit me its all mind games and emotional abuse. If it wasn’t for our daughter I’d like to think I would just walk away but I don’t know if that’s true.
Hopefully we can find the strength to leave and not look back.
Take care
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no he hasn’t hit me or been violent physically but he threatened that he would kill brother and went to describe exactaly how would do it and how he would leave no trace and said there are are ways to do it without anyone knowing. He was very very angry when he said this but it haunts me still. I’ve seen him smath and throw things at the wall in the past in anger aswell.
He is very calculating and manipulative.He’s very loud and aggressive when he speaks and can say things that really hurt. The very weird thing is that he does seem to have a calm, funny and loving side to him so I get confused as to why he can’t just be like that all the time. He does apologise for this and claims to take responsibilty for things (although very rarely). However, at the core, I am just very scared and intimidated by him. I’m always treading on eggshells around him.
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