7th August 2019 at 12:27 am #85197LadyglittersparklesParticipant
Parents are a domestic abuse situation. Not physical. But everything else.
I grew up with a chip on my shoulder about men, because of my dad. I thought my mother was weak willed.
I stayed out late as a teen, drank. Took recreational drugs. Found myself in high risk situations.
What was familiar behaviour about my ex,was his anger, punching holes in doors, breaking stuff. Needing to know where I was and what I was doing. But also charming and made me feel like I was his world.
All familiar normal family behaviour.
My exes family were just as dysfunctional. He had mummy issues I had daddy.
As an adult and able to reflect, the relationship was a recipe for disaster.
Fed off of each other’s issues.
What was recreational use became coping mechanisms.
Sense of perception and sane judgment was out of the window.
Aggression, sexual demands became more frequent. More taboo.
What started off as what seemed a ‘normal’ relationship has now left me feeling like it’s robbed me of years of my life.
Even years after its ended I still feel it’s infiltrating my life.
His anger and control.
The memories of trying to appease him.
When now, I think is he gay? He once confessed he thought he was bi/ try sexual. Try anything once he said. Does he dislike women?
Is he battling with some inner demon?
Addictive personality. Of anything destructive.
I wonder if anyone else can relate to this?
Years on, an adult. Living a healthy lifestyle. Trying to educate myself on ending this cycle of abuse. That I’ve inflicted on myself.
Just because something is familiar doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
The feeling of danger/risk was familiar.
As an adult I crave stability, contentment.
And distance from a life I once lived.
I refuse to let my past dictate my future.
This is babble, but babble that’s in my head.
It’s hard to make sense of situations that I wasn’t compus mentus for.
And now I have clarity it still does not make sense.
Never is it a good idea to numb your senses, especially with an abuser. Fuels their ability to make you amiable to their requests.
Fuels their aggression.
Allows excuses for their behavior
7th August 2019 at 12:39 pm #85228fizzylemParticipant
All mkaes perfect sense to me, we have pretty much the same story, almost word for word LGS. What is heartbreaking for me at this moment in time is that our daughter has now also become numb and withdrawn due to this same man, and so it continues – well not for much longer – I hope – if you get me. We’re heading for the correct channel and outside help now. There is much power in letting go and accepting we can not deal with him alone, that others can and will step in now.
Yes we were vulnerable, due to our childhoods, but then all of us are, all of the time, whether you’ve had a poor childhood or not, in that no one can escape trauma in life, trauma of a kind is part of life and thus means we all have the potential to overcome it.
Yes the person I am only helped to fuel the cycle of abuse and keep it going for a long time, but this will never happen again now, I know this for sure, because I’ve learnt too much about abuse and myself and I know I will always now respond to the self, my thoughts and feelings – protect myself – learning to do this aids me in ALL aspects of life now – gives me a much better chance at suceeding, I can kind of thank him for showing me the need for this and how importnat it is, among a great many more lessons hey. He helped me to develop and become the stronger, wiser woman I now am – I now have resiliance.
I have a dream, a life just over there, and it is the life I want – almost there now, has taken me a couple of years to get here, but I’m not going to look back when I finally have it – anymore – have done all the processing I need now, will hopefully get the protections and justice we need soon and be able to begin our new life. Surrounding myself with only those who matter and who make me smile, doing only the fthings I need to do but mostly spending time doing what I want to – thinking this is key, get the life you want. He and his life become irrelevant then, because we have taken all we can from him to learn – it is done.
Yes too much life has been robbed for sure – no more, I view it all now as the fertiliser I needed for growth and nothing more. I won’t be posting on here ever again soon, one last hurdle and we’re there now, I’d like to be able to help others for sure, and I will when I am faced with this in life, but for me its an important chapter to close and I need to step away form the forum to help with that.
Keep chipping away and one day you will get to the end and leave it behind – there is an end and a new begining for us all – a life where he does not effect us anymore x
7th August 2019 at 12:52 pm #85234
for you both its a bit like releasing a bird from a cage. we are finally fully free at this point and now its up to us how we conduct ourselves and live. truly live. i for one know what i will do next i will put my experience to good use and i always prefer to take the positives from the negatives. i see my childhood made me more suseptable to abuse too but that wasnt in our power to stop was it? when we finally accept this wasnt really within our contro its really not on our shoulders anymore. thats a releif i cannot describe. all i know is i appreciate so much more these days – i have learned so much and my feet will be firmly on the ground from here on in xxxx ive met lots off amazing people too btw!! xxxx
7th August 2019 at 4:47 pm #85250
I read your reply and thought I’ve never read such graceful and powerful comment about how you can kinda thank him for a lesson learned.
Then I read the part where you will be stepping away from the forum soon and broke down crying. I know we can come and go here, because we are free and I have to accept that 😪 I want to tell you I will miss you dearly, I thank you deeply for all the replies you wrote to me, you always had a good word and encouraged me and showed me the positives to go see a therapist and to find one and I want to tell you that I’ve started a new therapy since a few weeks, I took your advice (and KIP’s) at heart and made sure I followed it.
I am going to just be a little selfish here and tell you I will miss you and tell you don’t have to delete your account, you can just not write when you don’t want to. Basically don’t go dear. I know dyimum will miss you too. Everyone will miss you. Promise to say goodbye to us all before you leave?
Terribly sorry Ladyglittersparkles to highjack your post like this.
I want to tell you although I had a golden childhood, with no abuse, I still ended up into two consecutive abusive relationships.
No-one prepared us for an abusive relationship, not even an non-abusive childhood. It’s the lack of knowledge and awareness about domestic abuse that needs tackling. This is changing now, the topic is broadcasted more and more on telly which is good.
7th August 2019 at 10:00 pm #85282fizzylemParticipant
Aww you two! Brought tears to my eyes; yes caged birds set free! Love that DM. I think you both make some excellent points here, so true, we were children, we developed in relation to our parents and our childhood experiences – could never have seen it coming. We were never to blame; this always lies with the perpetrator, he chose to do this. We cant be held responsible for walking straight into it hey, but now the eyes are open!
HLJ, hugs to you lady, you have come so far and it warms my heart to read just how much! Go you! You also make a great point, that it can happen to anyone, that we need to raise DA awareness so that every last one of us can come to spot it (perhaps the only positive to come out of Love Island? This debate) – I’d never thought of that before, I’d assumed we were all wounded children to some degree, seems foolish now, ignorant – but yes this is true I’m sure, it’s so very hard to label and pinpoint what is abuse, knowing it can and does effect anyone is upsetting yes, but it also unites us – so thanks for this and is very helpful to know.
Your words have really touched me, thank you; you have also been a good source of comfort and strength to me also. I won’t delete my account and I will pop in from time to time I’m sure, but for me I need to close this chapter, look forward, focus on taking pleasure from life and appreciating it all.
I think any thought he invokes has the potential to infect, for me and those around me, helpful yes to us sometimes when in recovery and needed, and to those in search of understanding, but I feel when I do get to my new life he has to become ‘he who must not be named’, for exactly the same reason – to remove his power completely.
Not going anywhere just yet, will be a while yet but the wheels are in motion. You two have also helped so many women, good to know isnt it. Love knowing that you will be out in the world carrying on doing just this DM, you have good hands in which to fall.
Yes sorry for the hyjack LGS, hope some of it helps. Big love to you all x*x
8th August 2019 at 11:02 am #85299
Thank you kindly for responding Fizzylem, I’ll just miss you so dearly but I do wish for you to move on to a life full of happiness and safety, you deserve it so much. Nice to hear you’ll still be around though, maybe not as active and that’s ok, I guess from you I’ll always remember the very wise phrase “give yourself what it is you need”
Sending you love 💕
8th August 2019 at 11:23 am #85301
to all three of you ive read this back and i have to say its beautifully put 🙂 im touched and i can see many many women feel and have experienced the exact same journey.weve worked them out on here together and that was needed to move on. i feel we all possess something now that knowledge makes us a wee bit wiser in the world im sure in our own ways we have all grown and become better people for it and we will spread that inevitably in our own ways. i have a lump im my throat writing this im a bit emotional but thats ok right! ?much love always diymum 🙂
8th August 2019 at 1:02 pm #85305
My flood gates open since yesterday when I read fizzy is moving on and can’t stop big tears rolling down my cheeks 🙃😭
I am very grateful to be able to share our journeys together and learn together and it’s just heartbreaking to not be able to continue the friendships in real life. But as you say DiYmym, we can take our new found knowledge and also the love and spread it around is in real life, I know I do, maybe I still have to learn to turn a little more towards myself though.
As Ladyglittersparkles said, I won’t let my past define me, I will however built upon it, take it as a stepping stone to reach a higher and better future.
I think I’ve never come across such kind, generous and strong women in my entire life, as in here, expect my grand-ma of course and my girls.
Sending you lots of love all 💕
8th August 2019 at 7:39 pm #85338
well your not getting rid off me just yet 🙂 HLJ i will hold in there i know what you mean us women just have that natural bond dont we? and we’ll pull out the stops to make the journey a little easier hopefully than ours. i guess we wouldnt wish this on anyone to ever have to go through again. maybe there will come a day when all off this knowledge will be second nature to the next generation i hope so 🙂
much love diymum
9th August 2019 at 11:24 am #85363
Thank you for your reassurance DIYmum thank goodness you are staying 😌 💕
Oh yes we women do share this natural bond and wish for everyone’s safety and freedom and well-being.
Absolutely, history shows awareness takes time to spread but progres is made it’s amazing, in the laws, in the story lines, societal change and progress is made by perseverance and by keep going always always always. The next generation will be so much more aware than we ever were, not only will they be able to live their lives independently as we are able to but also recognise when a supposed loved one is nothing more than a parasite trying to take their freedom and independence away in the name of love.
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