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After a session with my counsellor today I feel I’ve come to a “real” realisation. I’m in an abusive relationship. I’ve known for years its emotional abuse but this was different. Talking about things he has done it dawned on me… I’m an abused woman. No excuses, forget the good times. IT IS ABUSE! Its not new to me but at the same time it is! I think the severity of it has hit home.
Likewise, I’ve understood the idea of control and recognised it in my relationship, but talking through different experiences, I now realise how explicit it is. I haven’t been able to work out why I’m still not in a position to leave… I have money, support and feel guilty when I look at posts where other people want to leave and haven’t got that. Its the little (but important) details he would control, like the dog. I know he would refuse to leave and we would have to be the ones to go. Or would we? The problem is we have no control and never know… My son would be heartbroken to be separated from the dog, but to find somewhere I could take him would be impossible. Even if I found somewhere he could come, he is (detail removed by moderator) so would limit rental properties, which are scarce anyway. A normal relationship, these decisions could be made properly, with everyone’s best interests at heart. It sounds like a petty reason but I know what it means to him.
Or am I just making excuses?
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Baby steps. Recognising the abuse is a huge step and it’s ok to give yourself time to process that. You’re not in a position to leave for several reasons, look up cognitive dissonance and the mental battle living with a man with two sides. We stay for the good times, choosing to believe those are the real him. We know it won’t be easy to leave. They put on the charm or turn up the fear if they sense we’re leaving. Things like children and dogs become weapons they use against us. I’m still not fully out but it’s taken time to reach the stage where I stopped making excuses for his behaviour, stopped believing his promises and lies, felt strong enough to end things. Look up FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) too. Dr Ramani on YouTube is a great source for all this x
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