Realisation is kicking in

[Yellowflower]

So today I sat and thought about my previous relationships leading up to my abusive ex. What I realised has really opened my eyes. Right back to my ‘childhood sweetheart’ I’ve been with abusive people. My ‘childhood sweet heart’ one day decided he didn’t want to be with me and ignored me for a whole year. When I mean ignore he would look right through me like I wasn’t there no matter what I did. Then I met my next boyfriend and he suddenly wanted me. I stuck with my boyfriend at the time but he was controlling. I would always have to go and see him it was always me making the effort. He wouldn’t let me go out I wasn’t allowed to with friends and if I did it was always with him by my side. He was so paranoid I would cheat yet I found evidence confirming he had. Yet I stayed. Eventually that ended and I went on a series of dates with not very nice people. Until I met my abusive ex…Prince Charming the man is been looking for until he turned abusive and my world fell apart…. now I’m sat here thinking why on earth does this keep happening to me? I don’t have a type really I don’t I just always see the good in people I guess and let myself believe them. I worry for the future when I think most of my adult life I’ve been with the wrong people?! I guess I have to carry on educating myself and keep moving forward it’s just really hit me today how much I’ve never been with anyone who really loves me. I want to feel adored I’m not saying I’m perfect but I know I have alor to give…when the times right I’m no where near ready yet.

[Anonymous]

hi lovely. i have just come out of my third abusive relationship. my sister says “you dont half choose them” no… they choose me suck me in then im hooked before i know it im being abused i have never cheeted lied anything just loved and cared but now my eyes are wide open. no1 will ever hurt me again. im happy to stay single. the memories are raw they hurt but they keep me alive. you will get strong you will get through this we all stick together x

[Put the kettle on]

I think abusive people can sense our kindness and caring nature and take full advantage of it. I got advised to stay out of a relationship for at least 6 months by a professional type person. There are times where I really want to be in a relationship again, more often than not I’m actually lonely, it’s not a relationship I want it’s company. I would like to have another relationship but I think right now we need to focus on ourselves, get ourselves physically and mentally stronger first. Otherwise we risk ending up in another abusive relationship. We need to love ourselves first then we know what we want and what makes us happy and we won’t settle for anything less

[Canon]

Often when you’ve experienced abuse from a young age, you’re much more susceptible to it as an adult.

My advice would be to seek counselling, learn to understand how what you’ve been through has shaped you as a person.
For me – I’d become a ‘people pleaser’ – would do anything for anyone and always wanted to help people.
I’ve learned this made me a prime target for abusers – I could be easily manipulated with the sobs stories and before I knew it I’d be doing pretty much everything I was told to do.
My past abuse had also left me vulnerable – I wanted to feel loved, I felt I needed someone to validate my self worth.. again, this made me a prime target! Because they could manipulate me easily by making me feel amazing! They would use that throughout the whole relationship in between making me feel so low & worthless.

It was tough doing counselling, I couldn’t finish it because I developed ptsd, but I learnt a lot about myself in that short time, it’s helped me to see where I needed to change my boundaries – or in most situations actually have some boundaries!

I’m still single almost (detail removed by moderator)yrs on. I need to do more therapy and get on top of the ptsd, so not going to look for a relationship now at all as I want to be in the best place myself before I allow anyone else to be part of my life again.

Learning about the things that made me a target initially triggered a lot of self blame, but I don’t see it that way anymore. I wasn’t a target because there was anything wrong with me – I was a target because abusers knew they could take advantage of my kindness. It’s them with the issues – but we can’t change that, so instead we just have to learn to be able to manage ourselves and keep ourselves safe x

[Author]

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