Realisation that there is no hope for my children

[Falling Skys]

To treat me descently.

My children have stuck to their father through all the break up.

A friend advice my that when I on my own to meet them outside my home as they will bully me in it. I thought it was over kill but now professionals are saying the ything.

I have had till now some hope of for want of a better word a normal relationship with them in time but now I can see I won’t.

The last form of his abuse is the cruelist.

[SilkyHalide]

FS sending you hugs Sometimes I feel that way too. Please don’t give up. Yes give yourself the space to acknowledge that you can’t have it at the moment but a time will come be it next year or when they have a family or see him for what he is. but I think keeping hoping for it only leads to disappointment.
Just let them know periodically you are there for them if they ever need you and enjoy the abuse free time to get you stronger so when they do come back you can set boundaries to stop them abusing you.

[SilkyHalide]

I know it’s hard I can’t always follow my own advice.

[Falling Skys]

Thank you SK, I wish I was the b***h I am being made out to be because I would be alot better off.

I do birthdays and christmas send texts saying that I love them and if they need me they know where I am. and on my Grand childrens birthdays and christmas send gifts and vouchers.

Like you SK we can help others but its hard to do it for ourselves.

FS xx

[KIP.]

It took us years to work things out. I think our children will get there eventually. Just stay strong and keep communications open x

[Falling Skys]

Your so right KIP and on top of that they know no different.

FS x

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

U doing so well, sending u massive hug, i would just stick to what u r doing then when they reach 18 let them make there own choice, u know u never gave up

[Falling Skys]

Thanks con123 but they are both adults and eat pass 18. I even have grandchild that I don’t see.

FS xx

[Falling Skys]

Well pass not eat pass

[Anonymous]

As they get older maybe they will see that the way you are treated is not right ? In the meantime you are doing right protecting
yourself. Mutual ground for visits is definitely a good idea. Maybe you could ask to see your grandchild at a park or playgym x

[lover of no contact]

Hi Falling Skys,

This is such a painful part of the abuse. I remember it well, it hurt so much when I was living with my abuser-ex that 2 of my children were practically alienated from me and they treated me so bad. One was a screamer so I got the profanities screamed at me ‘B***h!!, I hate you!!). The hatred (directed at me) was so hard to look at. He was laughing in the background. He had incited it. The other daughter had the hidden contempt (all incited by him) the ‘cold’ look, the snide, the sarcasm, the criticism etc.

Abusers are very good at inciting others to hatred. If the other let them. I see it at work. The abuser-boss and abuser-colleagues can incite other ‘good’ people to contempt of, and bullying of even very vulnerable people. It reminds me of the dynamic that went on in N**i-Germany. ‘Good people’ can be incited to ‘hatred’ by abuser (if they let themselves be, if they collude with them).

My abuser-mum tried to incite me to think badly of my dad (who she bullied). I was pre-teen and I remember it well. She would lavish praise on me (which I lapped up as she was abusive to me also). I was the flavour of the month. Then she would ‘subtly’ bad-mouth my dad. Her tactic (to get me to think contemptuously) of my dad never worked. I could see through it at that young age. But there was a price to pay for me not joining forces with her. A huge price where I ended up being abusively bullied by her for decades. A huge price which lost me my self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. A huge price where I suffered in a cycle of abuse for decades. By saying no to her manipulation of me to join forces with her against my dad, I was saying ‘yes’ to being in a cycle of abuse with her. My brother made a different choice to me. He joined forces with our abuser-mum against my dad. He then bullied my dad even though deep down he knew how kind, gentle and lovely a person my dad was.

History is repeating itself in my family. One of my children is close to me, she will not join her abuser-dad against me, she is suffering greatly (and I’m presently suffering due to her suffering) as she is in a cycle of abuser with her dad. She is his main victim (as I got away) and he is looking (on dating web-sites) but hasn’t found a new victim to abuse yet, so my poor daughter is getting the brunt of his ‘bully urges’.

My eldest daughter is in very close contact with her dad (his grooming of her so to speak) and she still treats me with the sarcasm, criticism and cold, contemptuous looks (my abuser, my abuser-mum, and his family have a huge influence on her since an early age so she ‘accepts’ their reality and distortion of the truth). This is very painful part of the abuse for me.

Another painful part of the abuse is that this daughter is carrying out the same behaviour towards her sister (the one who is in cycle of abuse with abuser dad). They used to be so close. But abuser dad and his family, (they criticize the abused sister (my daughter) a lot) are causing a rift between the 2 siblings who are deep-down very close and who both probably do not understand all the forces at play (abusers and their enablers) to negatively affect their relationship.

I hope my experience and perspectives helps you Falling Skys.

What helps me and I hold unto is: nothing is as strong as the truth. Truth always wins out in the end. Maybe we will never see it in our life-time and that is a possibility. But the lies, the deceptions, the distortion of reality etc will always be beaten by the truth.

The truth of who I am (even though others will convince my children otherwise) will come to the fore despite myself (and them) and the truth of who he is (abuser to the core) will eventually show itself despite all his tactics to show otherwise.

Someone recently said to me that the more I recover (and recover (and be healthy)to me is to have no contact with abusers), the more his true colours will show.

[Serenity]

Hi Falling Skys,

It must be very painful, and my heart goes out to you.

When my kids have acted unkindly and I have feared their dad’s influence, I have found myself needing to let them do as they will do and to go and find out who he is, to overdose on him.

It may take many years, but it could be that they will see the truth at some point later on. They might already, but are too fearful to act differently. If it is they they are like him through learned behaviour, you are worth so much more than to put yourself through any further abuse.

Our kids are our everything, but I think we also need to value and protect ourselves. We aren’t only mothers, we are our own people too. There comes a point when you need to say, I tried my best and I am not trying so much anymore- it’s time for me to receive too. Funnily enough, when we reach that point, people usually come back.

You deserve peace and happiness and have done nothing to deserve such treatment. I pray that you will find a life of real peace very soon X

[Falling Skys]

Thank you DQ, Lover of and Serenity,

Knowing you all understand the complexity of the situation is a great help. It feels wrong to have to protect yourself from your children but I do. My daughter has the same nature as her father, where as my son has been groom into being an abuser.

Once the house sales and I am free they will see what he is.

FS xx

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately FS I think the situation you find yourself in is all too common, although people rarely feel able to talk about it or to even acknowledge it. x

[Falling Skys]

You are shockingly so right DQ, and we survivors need to speak abut it so others don’t feel its them when our abusers have been undermining us for years.

FS xx

[Author]

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