Really been trying

[Sad and alone]

So we had a massive blowout last (detail removed by moderator). It was rotten and I felt seriously depressed to the point I thought I’m going to have to go to a GP. Somehow I dragged myself back up and again thought I would really make a serious effort with our relationship as I wonder sometimes whether I am awful sometimes and he’s justified in saying what he does to me.

So a few days okay. He’s now just come in and I feel out of the blue started talking to me in a way that I find like an attack. I have been making an effort to be seen to be more involved around our place and with him. But he starts questioning whether I am (detail removed by moderator), have I actually got any plans, do I know what I’m doing etc. Talks about how I (detail removed by moderator) to do another one and didn’t end up doing that either (mainly due to pressure I felt in our relationship, the way things are, and again that I had no enthusiasm for it even though it’s something I enjoy). How it’s bad, I’m not bothering to do things, I could’ve done the first thing and said the second thing was cancelled, how I make excuses about everything. It’s all peppered with phrases like “(detail removed by moderator)…” and “(detail removed by moderator)…”, talk of how I fail at things, don’t plan, have no get up and go, how he doesn’t think I’ll do anything as I never know what I’m doing. Throughout I just agreed as if I don’t have a problem with what is being said. But I do. I said to him before I never know what I do to upset you and this is a classic example. What he’s asking me if I’m doing I was going to do after I had finished what I was doing at the time. If that makes sense. It seems that if things aren’t done when he says, or within a time frame he expects, then it’s wrong. I just don’t need the criticism. Leave me alone. But he says I fail all the time at things in the past and he doesn’t want it to continue. Some of the things he says are true, I’m not perfect and make mistakes and am not always the forward-thinking person he wants me to be. But I don’t need to be criticised about that. When he asks in a snotty tone if I’m doing xyz, and I say yes after I’ve finished doing abc, this should be the end of the conversation.
So I’m really trying not to rise. Maybe if I just don’t react things will be okay. But it gets hard when your husband talks sh!t about you to your face. Hence why I’ve come to moan on here. Don’t want another rubbish weekend.

[minimeerkat]

a few books have been published very recently & their titles are ‘its not you’ & ‘youre not the problem’ – so these highlight just how much blame is put upon us
and they point out that devaluation is used to make someone feel less than because of continual negative comments, put downs & criticisms. all of this naturally makes you question your worth which then over time leads you to believe you have no value at all. when devaluation is drip fed it chips away at your self esteem & self worth & you end up feeling that youre lucky if anyone wants to be around you due to how awful you are
it also ends up disempowering & confusing you
because of what you are dealing with it must be extremely difficult trying to be someone you are not in an attempt to keep another person happy. trouble is that with certain people even when it is killing you to try & be who they want you to be it will still never be enough
i know this type of behaviour causes so much doubt but it really isnt you & you are definitely not the problem x

[Sad and alone]

It’s continued today. I can’t believe really that he’s turning on me like he is.

Obviously I can’t really be too specific but today it’s been to do with (detail removed by moderator). The (detail removed by moderator) and despite my efforts it hasn’t done very well in (detail removed by moderator). I hold my hands up and say sometimes I’m not that proactive but he has moaned at me constantly today, telling me I should be doing this that and the other. So I go and do that and then it’s wrong that I haven’t done it before. Just now I went back to try and tidy something and he’s come at me again criticising and saying I just rely on him for money and I’m not interested and maybe we should start taking things away from me as punishment to make me more interested in doing well. Like I don’t want to do well. I tried explaining that I have taken his comments on board and have been working on rectifying things but I don’t need to keep being told these things again and again and again, why can’t he just say what he thinks, I say fine and I’m going to or have done xyz and have done with it. But in the middle of me saying this he starts (detail removed by moderator) and I just wanted to get away. He accuses me of enjoying arguments etc yet there he is banging on and on about the same thing and criticising and it’s driving me crazy. I have tried massively to let it be water off a duck’s back and just be cheerful and yes sir no sir but then surely that reinforces his attitude and that he can carry on being that way even though it upsets me. And I just have to keep it all in. But he’s pushing my buttons all the time, even doing stupid things he knows will wind me up. I think just ignore it but I am just fed up. And then the next thing will be that I’m not being affectionate towards him. I wonder why.

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome, you’re in the right place. They really need with your mind and emotions. He knows he’s upsetting you. He gets to feel powerful when you’re upset, hurt, angry etc. He feeds off your negative emotions. They are sick people with no empathy and no conscience. He probably doesn’t even believe the blame he’s attributing to you but he knows it’ll cause you angst. When you feel weak he feels strong. Billy behaviour. He’ll never change. But at least you have found here and you’ll get identification. It’s like they all go to the same abuser school. Keep posting on here your thoughts and feelings. It’ll help you while dealing with his head wrecking behaviours. Mind yourself in all this.

[lover of no contact]

Typo- they really mess with your mind and emotions

Bully behaviour

[Sad and alone]

And so here I am again. Same thing (detail removed by Moderator).
Without trying to get too moderated everything was fine for a few days. We‘ve had moments of intimacy and he says how much he loves me. Then (detail removed by Moderator) something happened, nothing I did, something to do with someone else. And he made a funny comment and I could feel the weird atmosphere. He then disappeared for a bit to do something else. When he came back he started saying how he had to get away from me and the situation and take a breather as he was wound up. Then I listen to the same criticism as normal. How I haven’t done anything, everyone else is better than me, I’m a failure, I always will be, I should’ve done xyz and I should be doing abc. Regardless of what I have been doing in relation to the topic it doesn’t matter, only what I have or haven’t done before. So I’m wound up but try my best to get past it again and go and do something with him, during which time he makes comments about me (detail removed by Moderator). Don’t rise again. But later there’s another snarky comment when I say (detail removed by Moderator). So that was it. He’s so full of himself he never listens to anything, misconstrues what I say and just makes it what he thinks. He started yelling the same stuff as before, and I said how it’s bullsh1t saying he loves me when we’re in bed but then puts me down etc etc. He didn’t like that and I said that’s how it feels, if he loved me he wouldn’t say all these things and his excuse is he’s just telling the truth. I went outside and proper sobbed, like a proper noisy cry. Which made me sadder. Felt like c**p with a bad head so went to bed. I’m only grateful he didn’t come down and carry it on as when he does that I really feel like there’s no escape.
(detail removed by Moderator) he says are we okay and I’ve just said whatever again, just feel sad that my husband speaks to me like that and makes me feel like c**p but never mind. He says if I tried and did better he wouldn’t be able to say anything so I should just prove him wrong to shut him up.
Why is it that it always ends up with me feeling like I actually was wrong? And then I’m almost crawling back and trying to get in his good books again. For a quiet life I guess.
Anyhow, just another vent. Have no one else to talk to so I’m afraid here is my only option.

[Sad and alone]

(detail removed by moderator) same thing. This is days running saying the same stuff, carrying on for ages. I can’t stand listening to it, it’s making my ears bleed. He just won’t give it a rest. I said can you please stop raising your voice and then he says he’s not but gets sarcastic and says (detail removed by moderator). I really can’t cope with the pressure. Although he’ll say this is stupid as I have no pressures in life to deal with. No job, no kids, and he bankrolls me. There’s no point trying to explain anything to him as he will just think what he wants and that’s all he believes.

Not long back he said what did I want. Did I love him. Did I want to try etc. and as usual it just ended with me saying I’d make an effort to be better. He said he wants to spend his life with someone he can have a good time with, and enjoy things with, and have a good physical relationship with. Someone who has get up and go and enthusiasm and ideas. He says after some things that have happened recently (not to do with me) it’s made him think he’s not getting any younger. And I think it’d be better, he could go and have a family with someone and be happy. But I just couldn’t say I don’t love him. I don’t. I just couldn’t say it. Think it’s the thought of the upheaval and uncertainty that would come with it. But how stupid am I if I get the chance to go and don’t take it? He always wants it to be my decision. If he feels that way, and he’s not getting what he wants from life with me why isn’t he saying that’s it? Why does it have to be me? He’ll say he does love me but then says how he’s missing all these things he wants from a relationship.

[Sad and alone]

And it’s still going on now. He keeps on and on about the same thing. We had a small break where we went out but coming back he is questioning whether I’ve done something he said to do. I said I had done some but not all and he’s blown up. I said I am told this thing is my responsibility so I can make the decision about whether to do something or not, but he says I have failed over the period of time I’ve had doing this thing. I obvs can’t say what it was but believe me it was something very small and inconsequential. But he can’t help but push and demand it be done his way and my way is stupid and I’m a failure. He literally just asked (detail removed by moderator).
I am so done with this. He always says about me having to put up with his moaning like it’s something small when it’s literally battering me daily now and even when I try and swallow things down to get back to a quieter time it just keeps going as he won’t stop coming at me. I hate it here. I hate my life. I wish I still had my mum and dad and I could go to them and be loved again. I am so tired of crying all the time and being put down and criticised. I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Sad and alone]

This thread is turning into my personal blog of misery!
Again (detail removed by Moderator) he’s started on this subject and just gone on endlessly about it. Everything he says is interspersed with put downs and negativity and eye rolls. He’s asking me stuff I’ve given him answers to before. Saying to do things he previously said don’t do. He never listens to anything I say. As soon as I try and explain something he talks over me and says it’s all excuses and not good enough.
(detail removed by Moderator) I have not said a word when he was going on. I just focused on a point outside and tried to block it out and tell myself he wants me to bite. The last couple of arguments I’ve felt like I am losing control of my mind. I get pushed and then just explode. And then he turns it on me and says I’m the one throwing things about or shouting.
(detail removed by Moderator). I said what kind of husband says that to his wife when she’s told him how she’s feeling? He doesn’t give a toss. Oh no sorry, he “loves” me. He then made comments about maybe I should see a psychiatrist and an alarm started ringing in my head like he could start using things against me in the future.
So another happy (detail removed by Moderator)! He’s had his “moan” as he calls it and now I just have to carry on as “normal”.

[Sad and alone]

Things are weird here at the moment.
Tried picking myself up again. How many times have I thought right, take a deep breath, let it all go and make an effort. To be met with yet another scowl about something and an “off” attitude. The past days he’s not really spoken to me even. I know he will turn it on me and say how I haven’t touched him or made an effort or physical contact. Why is it always me that has to do these things? When I try and move on and then get negativity back? I don’t know what to do really. Things are not working at all. I picked at an issue earlier that isn’t that important but at the same time was annoying me. I shouldn’t say anything but maybe I am because I’m looking for some sort of argument or something other than just walking around each other and not saying anything. I’m just tired of trying to be normal and then half the time not knowing what I’ve done to make things so wrong again.

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone, your post almost transported me back to my relationship and reminded me of how suffocating and upsetting it was to be lectured without a break and not listened to. And the rage I would feel sometimes as a result was hard to deal with.

I really feel your heartbreak here, it’s devastating to see someone you love and who claims to love you, seemingly so disappointed in you and hounding you relentlessly.

Have you tried asking what is really wrong, like a kind of ‘are you okay?’ question each time this starts? I’ve found it turns the spotlight back around onto them and their behaviour in a way that can stop them in their tracks. Be wary though if your situation is one that could escalate as I don’t know how your partner would react. Mine would usually back down at that point and I wish I’d done more of it instead of arguing back or going quiet. I just exploded one day and left, it all came spewing out after weeks of a general feeling of being muted.

One thing’s for certain, it’s not you. And you can’t continue like this for much longer, please keep yourself safe.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

If I asked him what was wrong the answer would be me! The only reason he’s ever off is because he is displeased with me in some way. Even if someone else does something to upset him it somehow rolls back around to me, I’m not being supportive or doing anything to deal with situations and then he’ll drag up incidents from the past and use them against me.
I’ve tried arguing back and standing up for myself which doesn’t work. I’ve not saying a word and get accused of not listening. Recently my temper has really flared, I think due to me just not being able to cope with the constant criticism and he says I need to see a psychiatrist as I need help.
Since my post something positive happened (I can’t say what as it’ll get moderated). I thought maybe this will please him as it’s in relation to the same thing he has been balling me out for constantly. But no. He says well done, but… and goes into the negatives. Twice before I’ve managed to basically do what he’s asked and he’s excused it away both times as not really counting. It would be so much easier to say what it was but you hopefully get the idea. Moan at me, I get something done, so then moan at me because it hadn’t happened earlier or enough. Can’t win! He says oh we’ve argued so much about this and you’ve had to put up with me moaning. In actual fact I wasn’t intending to argue at all but it gets to the point I can’t be quiet. Then he says he thinks I enjoy arguing.
And earlier he says about money, how he’s scraping to get money so I can have x to drink and y to eat and how it’s luxuries. So now of course I don’t want to do either! Feel like I’m being watched and monitored all the effing time and then let your guard down and he’ll use it against me.
Sorry for long post. I’m finding I really need to vent recently.
Thanks for your reply, it’s appreciated and lifts my spirits to know someone’s there xx

[Sad and alone]

Really struggling. Feels like there are no good times at all now. It’s either pretty much being ignored or being spoken to with spatters of sarcasm and put me downs.
(detail removed by moderator) we were talking. He helped me with a job I needed to do. Then I found out something that wasn’t great news for something I do. So I said I’d ask online if anyone had a similar issue but I’d do it anonymously as don’t really want people to know I’ve had the problem. He just starts lecturing me about I don’t need to do that, just ask, or call someone and speak to them, how communication is key and basically saying as usual I’m no good at it. (detail removed by moderator) Why can’t I just do things the way I want to?! Why do I have to be directed by him all the time? I worked in a setting where communication skills were important and managed for years. When I meet new people I get on with them and chat etc. He always makes out I’m hiding away all the time. I walked out and to get something I’d left outside and get away from him and go back and he’s still talking to himself and slagging me off. So sick of him muttering under his breath and pulling stupid faces.
(detail removed by moderator) Makes me mad as I can hear him saying things that have happened have an effect on our marriage!! Always blame everything and everyone else.
Sorry, long post again.

[Freebirdie]

Have you got any domestic abuse services in your area? When I first fled I accessed a support worker and we met once a week, I’m thinking you could do with some telephone support or even refer yourself into CBT so that you feel emotionally supported whilst you decide if you want to stay.

None of this is your fault, your posts resonated with me so much, could never do anything right, tried so many different things to see which would stop him blowing up, when I left I couldn’t remember what it felt like to feel true laughter or true joy. They truly do suck the life out of you, you matter, you are important. I know that feeling of wanting to be loved, of wanting someone to swoop in and rescue you, but let me tell you, you have that strength within you. It’s what brought you to this forum. And it will grow and grow until you’re ready to do someone with that strength. You’re not alone, we’re all behind you.

Lots of love

A survivor
X*x

[Karisqq]

It’s good to talk things out, and get supports from other survivors. For me I think the most important thing is to find someone who makes you feel valuable and that your matter, you have been told that you’re not good enough and you’re the problem, and now you know it’s not true, so you need other ppl to validate that, and eventually yourself validating that. It’s going to be tough work, but you will know what to do when the right timing vines, and by then, don’t stop loving and believing yourself.

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone it’s really coming through in your posts that nothing you do will ever be enough.

And yeah, you know what response you’re going to get too, that says it all.

I understand the constant feeling of being directed like you don’t have a mind or any skills of your own. I used to say to mine there’s more than one way to achieve a result and I have my own methods because I am not you.

And exactly the same as you, the only correct response to him was apparently to agree with what he’d said otherwise there was no winning. They don’t listen do they? They think we have nothing to offer (unless it’s convenient and they ask our advice on something), those moments were rare, and nice!

Freebirdie what you said about real laughter oh my gosh yes, I only did that with my friends, colleagues and family (in his absence) and even then it started to vanish. Even if I did laugh at something he’d started to say I was too loud, like he’d wince as well as say omg like he was embarrassed of me, it really hurt my feelings. I was slowly dying inside.

Karrisqq points out well that you need deserved validation from others to gain strength so please keep posting and talking to friends/family if you have anyone.

Xxxxx

[Sad and alone]

So I’m posting back here as I need to vent. We’ve had massive rows recently, said about splitting up, cycling round to just normal life where I should do as he says.
Earlier he’s helping me with something and just as I’m almost finished he walks off to do something else. I said leave that I’m almost done but he just shoots me down and carries on doing the other thing. Obviously can’t go into details, would be easier to explain if I could but will be moderated! But the other thing wasn’t important, and the thing I was doing was. I get told be quiet, he’s just doing this etc. The most annoying thing is if it were the other way around I know he would be saying leave it, it’s a loose thread, it’s not important, concentrate on what I’m doing etc. Yet it’s alright for him. He can’t bear for me to tell him what to do in situations, even though I’m meant to do what he says. We did do this thing where I said I wanted to do it and he would use this as an example of him listening to me. I just find it infuriating as like I said I know what would have happened the other way around. And then to top it he makes a comment about me being sulky or stroppy. I ignored this but had to tell someone as it were as it winds me up so bad.

[Sad and alone]

And later in the evening he tried poking me about it again. Saying something along the lines of oh, you were getting a bit silly earlier weren’t you about… I had to do something outside so didn’t respond and just said I was going to do what I was going to do. Why? When a moment has passed, when I’ve controlled my response to his behaviour to avoid an argument, why hours later is he bringing it up again? Trying to make a joke of it? The only response I could have given would be to defend how I felt about what he’d done and that would’ve led to him putting me down saying I was stupid or worrying about silly things etc etc. The only thing I can think is that he didn’t get the desired response earlier, even though he went the extra mile of accusing me of sulking. He didn’t get a rise out of me then so hours later he decided to try again?? He constantly makes out that I enjoy arguments yet he’s the one that is intent on starting things. If it was the other way around I would just be glad that it hadn’t turned into an argument and not mention it again. It always seems like little things that I’m noticing now. Provocations that I have to watch out for. And the thought he is consciously doing it makes me so sad. He knows what it would lead to if I chose to react to what he says. It’s what he wants, and if it does turn into an argument he reflects this back on me and says it’s what I want.

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone I’ve been reading your posts again as they give me a reflection of my past relationship that ended recently and remind me why I got to a point I couldn’t cope any longer.

My ex was always telling me I liked to argue or to chill out, it took me a long time to realise it was him that started or turned everything into an argument and then when I had taken the bait and defended myself or got upset, he would say to me ‘big deal’ and ‘chill out’ until I started to throw that back him and say yes, you’re right it’s not a big deal and YOU need to chill out not me!

I hear your upset, sometimes mine would say why are you crying? One time I said to him I feel like you don’t even like me. He never replied, just hugged me, I was so confused and devastated.

And why do they have to prescribe our moods or define us in those moments? It’s so suffocating to have someone dictate who you are and who you should be. I wanted to teleport out of there so many times.

When you mentioned being told to be quiet that got my hackles up, and how we could never try that on them- they see it as the disrespect they should when it’s coming back their way, fine for them to dish it out though, infuriating beyond words.

And the constant swooping in to tell me how to solve my problems and getting annoyed or offended or sarcastic if I don’t take his advice (that I never asked for). I just wanted him to see I was capable, I used to say to him you must wonder how I coped in life before I met you… all the while he’s saying I can’t be here looking after you I have other priorities and you need to be okay, yet when I exert my independence he calls me selfish, inconsiderate, lacking good judgement, careless and that I need to think through properly the effects of my actions.  Like nothing is ever ever right or good enough, or well intentioned.

I really think about your situation a lot as you seem stuck there, I hope you’ve managed to get some info and a plan together to give yourself hope of better days as I don’t think you can sustain this for much longer. Take care and keep chatting.

Xxxxx

 

 

 

[Sad and alone]

Mine doesn’t care if I cry or am upset in any way. He pretty much jeers at me and says to stop feeling sorry for myself. There have been times where I’ve started hyperventilating and he still just tells me to stop it. No care whatsoever. I’ve told him it’s sad to think my husband doesn’t give a s**t about me and then he’ll say he does and he loves me and I just have to change to make everything better. He also says even if we split up I should still listen to him and change as I won’t get anywhere in the world being the way I am.

He says I never listen to him and I said I do but I’m entitled to a difference of opinion. He rarely does as I ask him to do when he’s helping me with things he says are my responsibility. He says I would listen to everyone else in the world apart from him and he says it’s because of my hatred for him that I won’t listen. He has told me so many things that are disrespectful and plain horrible. He once said to me to behave myself after he wouldn’t do as I’d asked him (when “helping” me with the thing that’s supposed to be mine to handle) and when I said I didn’t appreciate being spoken to like a child he got really close and made as if to headbutt me. Jeez when I think of that and other times he’s laid hands on me I feel sick that I’m still here.

I’m glad reading my posts is helping reaffirm your decision. As things have got bad, and they are the worst ever now with little to no goodness when he’s around, I post here more and more. I tried keeping a diary but it just filled up with awfulness and I didn’t see the point.

[Indeepindance]

Sad and alone that is a sickening feeling to have your partner criticise or ignore your tears. It happened to me too more towards the end of the relationship, not sure whether he just got so used to seeing me cry that it had no effect anymore, or he genuinely couldn’t give a toss.

Oh wow the parallels here are shocking, I was made so upset one time I also couldn’t breathe properly and was feeling faint, I’d been crying nearly the whole time he’d been telling me off and humiliating me over a trivial matter and it was only when I had to break away to go out for somewhere I needed to be, that he bothered to ask me was I alright. I was cynical he only cared that I would be in public looking an absolute wreck.

Another time he said ‘I don’t feel sorry for you’ They stampede over our boundaries.

You are not in a healthy situation there, being told you don’t listen and being spoken to like a child (children shouldn’t be spoken down to either) is very toxic especially when there is a power imbalance as you’ve described. You must’ve felt so scared when he stepped to you like that, he is really trying to intimidate you and it’s appalling behaviour.  I understand you feeling sick that you’re still there, I used to tell myself off silently in the bathroom mirror and ask why was I compromising myself like this and to just leave him. I would never let anyone else speak to me like this so why was I standing for this disgusting treatment and double standards. It’s the hook of attraction and company though isn’t it, plus everything that’s been invested, not to mention financial constraints and up-ending your whole life.

I’m sorry to hear your situation is getting worse, the diary does become a shocking read but I’d encourage you to continue if you can, as mine has been a crutch every single day since I left, to remind me why I was so unhappy  and becoming ill. Those memories fade fast and I wish I’d started writing stuff down much earlier.  I don’t know how I’d cope without it now and I still add memories that surface or new realisations of what particular interactions were really about.

At least you have the forum as a record too. Keep talking, you really need to offload it and get support.

Xxxxx

[Author]

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