Really confused: is this emotional abuse?

[puzzledatlife]

I have been in this relationship (detail removed by moderator) years. (detail removed by moderator) I got an email, the day before we were due to go to see my mother for her Bday (flight, hotel and all paid by my family);  weeks before our notification to marry; the email said we had to break up as he could no longer cope, and he would move out during my holiday. We got back together (detail removed by moderator) as he seemed to have gone mad all of a sudden and returned to being more or less the usual self. More or less, he had peaks and moods, often tired and demotivated. (detail removed by moderator) before last he disappered. Stopped answering my texts and calls: I was very worried, I texted we’d adjust everything, not to worry and let me know all was fine. (detail removed by moderator). I will explain why, but these events, summed up to the past events, led me to feel an unbearable, unbearable pain, and for the first time in my life I felt the pain was so unbearable that I wanted to end my life. I eventually called the Samaritans and the GP and crisis team, but I guess I need further help and some common sense, to make sense of what has happened to me and around me. (detail removed by moderator)

When I met my ex he was absolutely lovely, respectful, loving caring and the best man I had ever met in my life. However, his situation was disastrous. His house was falling to pieces. The second ex texted every other day saying she wanted to kill herself. In order to keep her alive, so he said, he gave her money so she could ‘do shopping’; he ended up with debt. The house was falling apart. (detail removed by moderator) His eldest daughter, (age removed by moderator) at the time, was clearly drinking every weekend, spending the night out and my ex had to regularly get up in the middle of the night to go and pick her up somewhere, finding her drunk. He would give her a bottle of prosecco every weekend when she was going out. He said he’d rather give her than her getting it from somewhere else. I asked: why not weed and cocaine on the same ground?? He said all kids drink.
He’d give her money, around 100 pounds a month, and it was never clear where the money was going.

The younger one did not go to the toilet, had problems socialising and was unable to sleep in her own bed. She was 6 and screamed and called several times every night.
When we got together we put lots of things right. With the eldest I expected an accident, which happened: she asked to sleep at mine one night where me and her dad were on holidays, and I reluctantly agreed to it. I found the house totally vandalised. (detail removed by moderator)
After that my ex and me put a few things in order. Eldest daughter went to live with her mom. Youngest was with us 50% of the times; we went through a sleep clinic, got help with food at the school, GP for her toileting; opticians for her sight. House sold, debt repaid, he moved in with me. (detail removed by moderator)
I thought he had gone mental. No talking to me, no talking to the kids. He did other things that to me sounded totally out of character. He gave our supposed honeymoon to his daughter, and I felt that was awful as this was something we should have talked about and agreed about. But didn’t fuss about it. (detail removed by moderator)

I was hearbroken, and I decided one day to just take a flight and go back to my country for a holiday. I meant to stay only a few days, but during that hol I started feeling extremely bad; and even ended up in hospital. The hospital told me that I could not fly. I texted him to say I would not come back and therefore provide to request another urgent passport for his trip. (detail removed by moderator) He then told me our relationship was abusive, and that I was spiteful and revengful. I said, this is the result of your actions, not mine. (detail removed by moderator) I blocked his number, but the notifications continued to arrive. He was calling me around 25 times a day.
When I came back he seemed to be more himself; so we started seeing whehter we could reconcile; he started again talking about getting married. I said to him I was feeling very hurt, and very attached and dependent on him at that point, but I was not sure this was love. He said he never stopped loving me and he’d be there to wait for me and if I decided to take him back great otherwise he’d still hope to be in my life in some way. He said he never stopped loving me and desperation makes you do absurd things.
Well then pretty much out of the blue he disappeared. In these past weeks I was not happy with him, because I could never see the little one for some reason or another…it was clear that the eldest didn’t accept me, and had never accepted me, and that reflected on the little one and therefore on our relationship. He said that his eldest daugther never forgave me for having spoken to her like that. (detail removed by moderator)
Anyway, he said he was working on making things better and asked me to be patient and I was willing to wait, though I found the excuse of my loss of temper manipulative.
Then he disappeared and you know the rest.
My son said to me that if he sees him he stabs him. He also said ‘I am used to my dad never being around, one more won’t make a difference to me’. We were planning Xmas and New Year together. We stayed here instead of going to my family so we could be together. I feel stabbed at my back. I feel my son has been stabbed. I feel even his kids have been stabbed. The pain has been awful. How he did this back then with a stupid email with not a word to the kids, and now disappearing and then sending a stupid whatsapp message. What kind of man is this? He wasn’t like this. Has he gone mad? What has happened to me?
Samaritans said: “this man clearly has very serious mental disturbances right now. He cannot cope with being loved. Therefore you need to have no contact”. The crisis team told me that the idea and insistence of opening my window is also a sign of a very disordered thinking. They told me that someone in this state is unpredictable. I feel so lost that I need even simple words. What has happened to me?
Thank you

[KIP.]

Hi there, I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. He is very emotionally abusive and I think he is probably seeing other women as his past shows. Abusers are liars too. It worries me that his exes are prone to suicide and suicidal thoughts. My abuser drove me to that and he was very much like yours. There is no sense in these men. They wear a mask. Google cycle of abuse. The advice to go total no contact is spot on. He is not your responsibility. Concentrate on yourself and your own family x

[puzzledatlife]

Hi KIP, thanks. The post as it has been moderated is not very clear. I am not sure whether it comes across but my ex had children from 2 different woman. Both these women have claimed to be suicidal. The first wife did actually seriously attempt suicide. She survived and is well.
I am saying this because this tragic event coloured all his parenting.
There was promiscuity but it was the wife who was promiscuous. I don’t believe he has ever been a cheater in that way. He was left to care for two children none of whom was biologically his. He didn’t care and took this on. I very much admired him for that. But he gave no direction to the kids, he was always scared that if he did something harsh the kids would just go or do something silly.

The second partner, from whom he had his own child, was also suicidal, but I have always had the impression that she was simply manipulative, exploiting the extreme anguish he had over the issue of suicide. She would request money from him to cope with her depression. But she was awful with the kids and extremely manipulative so I was never sure whether she was really in a bad state or just pretending for the sake of getting things off him.

What I can’t get my head around is how he spinned at 180 degrees and disappeared from my house twice, with an email or a text, treating me and my son like insignificant insects, that you shake off from your face.

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