Really hurt, unbearable pain, trying to get up after several suicide attempts

[puzzledatlife]

Hello,
I am going to re-post this here because with all the due removals from the moderator I think my original post didn’t make sense, so only one of you shared their views with me.

I tried to take my life for the first time ever 3 times in a row and didn’t work. I am trying now to explain my pain, the causes of it and have a perspective and help from others who may have gone through a similar situation. The pain I have had and have is due to having had to cope with a very difficult set of circumstances over a long time. I suppose for many of us is the same: it is not one isolated episode that precipitates us, is the pain that increases, and the resources to cope that have been over time exhausted…

I have been in a relationship. Things were really lovely; best partner anyone could hope for. One day, before we were due to go to see my mother (detail removed by moderator)(flight, hotel and all paid by my family) my partner emailed me to say that he wanted to split up and would move out while I was away. This was weeks before our notification to marry was due. I left anyway to go to see my mom and when I arrived back to my home all had gone, he had gone, didn’t know where, he blocked me from FB, he removed everything. In my home there was him, his youngest dauther 50% of the time, my son and me.

Over the following weeks we got back together despite this awful break up he did out of the blue, and I will explain why, and he seemed more stable, but recently he just disappeared again, stopping answering my messages and calls for over 1 week. He only sent 1 message to say that he was in his cave. I thought I was never going to hear from him again so I considered our relationship finished. After that, he texted that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship and said if I wanted to consider a friendship. To which I did not reply.

When I met my ex he was absolutely lovely, respectful, loving caring and the best man I had ever met in my life. However, his situation was disastrous. His house was falling to pieces. His first wife had seriously attempt suicide. She survived, and the two children she had (neither of whom was his own) stayed with him. He was fab that way, to take care of kids who were not his own and honour these responsibilities. I thought of him as a rock solid man with a good heart.

But this tragic event coloured all his parenting. He gave no direction to the kids, he was always scared that if he did something harsh the kids would just go or do something silly. He would give things to drink to the daughter and accepted that she would go out all night without us knowing where she was. She did nothing in the house, was very disrepsectful, shouted at him, but he didn’t care. So far as she returned home, and he saw she was safe this was enough.

Then he had a child with another woman, who also claimed to be suicidal. She would request money from him to cope with her depression so he ended up in a lot of debt. Huge. They separated too. His house was falling apart. His eldest daughter was clearly drinking every weekend, spending the night out and my ex had to regularly get up in the middle of the night to go and pick her up somewhere, finding her drunk. He would give her a bottle of prosecco every weekend when she was going out. He said he’d rather give her than her getting it from somewhere else. I asked: why not w**d and cocaine on the same ground?? He said all kids drink.
He’d give her money, (detail removed by moderator) and it was never clear where the money was going.

The younger one also had a lot of problems, which in my view were unattended. (detail removed by moderator)

When we got together we put lots of things right. I told my ex to exercise better control over the older girl, and I expected an accident, which happened: she asked to sleep at mine one night when me and her dad were on holidays, and I reluctantly agreed to it. I found the house totally vandalised. She had a party without asking me and I found many things broken, including my own son’s things, and various things that indicated high levels of intoxication and drinking. She denied everything, in front of total evidence. My partner and I were devastated.

That convinced my ex to put a few things in order. Eldest daughter went to live with her mom. Youngest was with us 50% of the times; we went through a sleep clinic, got help with food at the school, GP for her toileting; opticians for her sight. House sold, debt repaid, he moved in with me. The youngest daughter totally flourished.

In (detail removed by moderator)there as a crisis in the house of the younger daugher and her mental health deteriorated. She stopped again sleeping and started again screaming overnight and crying and refusing to eat. My ex called the social services because it was very clear to us that something was happening at her mother’s house that affected her serenity. In fact there was a suicide attempt in the household.

After (detail removed by moderator) days of constant crisis of the little one, my partner cracked and that is when he sent me that email to say he would go. I said to him that this was wrong: we needed to sit down and talk to the children and explain what was happening and plan for him to move more slowly; there was no reason to eradicate the kids from each other, particularly the little one, and we needed to be constructive about it. We needed to find a suitable place for her and him and then move and make this into a smooth and nice process, as much as possible. He said that if he talked to me, because he loved me so much, he would not be able to leave me. He said that he felt swimming across a river; he had to save his daughter’s life, that was his metaphor, and at the same time saw me drowning under these huge problems he was bringing into my life. (detail removed by moderator)He said now he had to walk on his own feet so he would not change his mind. Sleep in hotels or whatever but not come back. I changed the locker of the house and I said OK. I can’t do anything.

I was hearbroken, though, and I decided one day to just take a flight and go back to my country for a holiday to be with my family. I meant to stay only a few days, but during that hol I started feeling extremely bad; and even ended up in hospital.(detail removed by moderator)

He did not care I was poorly at all either. (detail removed by moderator). I tried to tell you that there was no reason to pull our house to bits in that way and things needed to be taken in a calmer way. To this he responded that our relationship was a burning hell, (detail removed by moderator)He called me abusive over text and called our relationship abusive, manipulative, spiteful, revengeful. I was shocked: this was the man who,  weeks before, wanted to marry me and told me I was the love of his life and couldn’t bring to talk to me because he loved me too much (btw there was never violence or verbal abuse in our relationship). (detail removed by moderator)

At that point I told him to leave me alone; the whole thing caused me great distress. I asked him to not call me and I bloked his number (which I wouldn’t normally do); the notification kept arriving and he was ringing me 25 times a day. Never to check on my health or how I was. Just to try to convince me to let him force my window open to access my house.

When I came back from my time with my family he seemed to be more himself; so we started seeing whehter we could reconcile; he started again talking about getting married. I said to him I was feeling very hurt, and very attached to him at that point, but I was not sure this was love. He said he never stopped loving me and desperation makes you do absurd things.

During this time of attempt at reconciliation there were good times and not so good times. I could hardly ever see the daughters for some reason or another, and he was moody, still living in hotels, being always stretched with work and care commitments…it was clear that the eldest didn’t accept me, and had never accepted me, and that reflected on the little one and therefore on our relationship.

Anyway, he said he was working on making things better and asked me to be patient and I was willing to wait.

Then he disappeared and you know the rest.

My son said to me: ‘I am used to my dad never being around, one more won’t make a difference to me’. We were planning Xmas and New Year together. We stayed here instead of going to my family so we could be together. I feel stabbed at my back. I feel my son has been stabbed. I feel even his kids have been stabbed. The pain has been awful. How he did this back then with a stupid email with not a word to the kids, and now disappearing and then sending a stupid whatsapp message. What kind of man is this? He wasn’t like this. Has he gone mad? What has happened to me?

Samaritans said: (detail removed by moderator). They told me that someone in this state is unpredictable. I feel so lost that I need even simple words. What has happened to me?
Thank you

[KIP.]

It sounds like your troubles have been caused by his selfish, uncaring, abusive behaviour. Abusers are liars. And good liars. Have you cut all contact with this selfish self serving man? He is not your responsibility x

[Anewbreath]

Hi Puzzledatlife, I’m sorry to read you are going through this difficult time. It sounds like you care very deeply for someone who is unable to show you the same affection and respect. I think all of us here have had similar experiences. And personally speaking I know it really hurts, to care for some-one and only want the best for them while they pull you into hell. With time and no-contact the pain eases, and there are happier days ahead for you and your son.
The holidays are a dreadful time for anyone to disappear on us. You are not to blame for his disappearance. The man has tonnes of problems, and he treats you unfairly and does not take into consideration how much it hurts you when he disappears.
You and your son deserve better. You are your son deserve to be happy and healthy.
Like Kip suggested, a period of no-contact where you do not have to deal with any of his problems or his disappearances can be very beneficial to you right now.
It’s great that you reached out to us here at WA and the samaritans. Please, keep reaching out. You can call the helpline here at WA. You can post at anytime. Please keep reaching out. Hugs

[puzzledatlife]

Kip, I think you are right in that he was an abuser by neglect towards his children. I never thought that he was deliberate in that. He completely neglected the child’s health, well either children’s health.
I am not sure why this detail is removed by the moderator, but when he broke off with me over the summer, the first time, he dismantled our house literally within (detail removed by moderator)days, taking away everything that belonged to him and to his daughter and not giving us the chance to talk. He said that he loved me too much to talk.
I thought that was also abusive towards the child.
(detail removed by moderator). At that point he called me spiteful and revengful and manipulative. And this is when I said that he should not contact me. He did not care about anything else, apart from his holidays; my health and my son didn’t matter at all to him. (detail removed by moderator)I asked him to leave me alone. I blocked him even from the phone but notifications kept arriving and I received 25-30 calls a day. This is why I thought he had some breakdown, and over the following weeks he seemed to have gone better. He said despair makes you do crazy things. Then however, he did what he did, disappeared again. Is this abusive? In my view, there is a degree of abuse by neglect towards the children, and I am not sure about myself, I feel so, so confused!

[KIP.]

Yes it’s emotional abuse. Ask yourself if you would behave this way towards someone you love. He chooses to behave this way and I’m sorry to say but he sounds like he’s cheating on you. Just like my ex. Abusers are cheaters and liars. They have no empathy. Google cycle of abuse. He also won’t respect your boundaries. If someone asked me to leave them alone, I would.

[KIP.]

I wanted to say that you are not alone in your suicide attempts. Many women are driven to this by abusive partners and sadly many succeed. You are not alone. Hang in there and stay no contact.

[puzzledatlife]

It is odd that the moderator keeps removing the reason why he was calling me (detail removed by moderator) times
He left some docs he needed in my house while i was seeing my family. (detail removed by moderator)

[duvetday]

Hi puzzledatlife,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I’m sorry that you tried to take your life ♡ Suicidal feelings are so terrible (I have had them a lot) and I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling this way. Tbh I don’t know the words to say that will help but I do know that that excruciating pain you feel that leads you to want it to all stop, that pain does subside eventually. But I know it doesn’t feel that way…
Your ex is definitely abusing you and your and his kids. Google emotional abuse and ‘discarding’ (he has done this to you many times it sounds like), there are loads of amazing YouTube videos on abuse and it will hopefully help you to get your head around things (it did for me anyway). x

[KIP.]

I for one will not take my own life because I won’t give him the satisfaction or the chance to play his victim card. The poor me look what I’ve had to put up with. I told you she was delusional. Milking the sympathy. Every day I’m on this planet is another day he is reminded of what he did to me. That he’s a monster. He knows that I know what he is. Every time I feel happy is rubbing out his existence. He has to live with seeing me too. He may have no empathy but his greatest fear is being exposed. Cowardly little man. He actually drove straight through the petrol station when I will filling my car. Not long ago it would have filled me with horror and flashbacks. The apprentice has become the master. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Tiffany]

Try going no contact with him. When I left I would have sworn that my partner was a lovely and kind man who occasionally did incredibly cruel things. He, like your partner, had had an incredibly tough life and had mental health problems brought on by them. So I was very lenient in the behaviour that I accepted from him. I eventually left because I realised that his behaviour was damaging my health and happiness. I tried to go as close to no contact as possible immediately afterwards because I thought it would be easier on him. (I had explained in person and in a letter why I was leaving). But I quickly realised that the no contact was to protect me not him as he continued to try to manipulate me. As the confusion in my head cleared I realised that he had been abusive in many ways – primarily emotionally but also financially, physically and occasionally sexually. I had had no idea. It wasn’t until I was out of what was a horrific many years long confusing experience that I could identify the behaviour which had been decisions consciously made to hurt me. And they were happening daily. I think that a period of absolute no contact might also help you process what happened.

[puzzledatlife]

KIP am glad you were able to turn things round for yoirself. I hope i can manage that. Yes i amnhaving no contact. It is ok that doesn’t hurt. What has been done to me and the kids hurts.x

[puzzledatlife]

Tiffany sounds like it was a similar things. Because he put so much in our relationship i thought he was the right one and seemed very committed. Everyone thinks he seemed lovely. I am not sure whether he has been always jusr callous towards me and was hoping to exploit me in some ways or he has gone mad.
There was a moment in which i thought recently that he has gone crazy. After he moved everything from our house. (Again this has been removed before i don’t know why). (detail removed by moderator) But Kip is right…i could not say to someone i love him and want to marry him ans days later disappear. And certainly i couldn’t put kids together in one home and then remove them without a word. (detail removed by moderator) I am so shocked

[Tiffany]

I thought for a long time that my exes problem was all to do with his mental health. I couldn’t understand how a sane person could do the things he did. But looking back there were underlying patterns of actions which decreased my self esteem and increased his power over me. And although he did have mental health problems he also chose to abuse me. In fact he used the mental health as an excuse to act increasingly badly. Unfortunately it isn’t always an either or situation. Abusers can have mental health problems, but they are still choosing to be abusive. If he is hurting you and your family he cannot be part of your family life. Stick to the no contact. It takes time but things get better.

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome to the Forum puzzedatlife,

Keep posting and reading the posts on here and you will get some relief from the hurt his behaviour has caused you and your children. It will take time but it will ease it a lot.

(detail removed by moderator). Abusers will discard us (to hurt us) but then then will make requests to hoover us back into contact with them again so that they can hurt/confuse us again. They also will not take our ‘No’s’. They have to have the upper hand. Control for them. If we say No they will apply pressure and persistence (to get us to change from a No to a Yes), that was why his constant texting, imo.

‘Refusing to hear ‘No’ a clear signal of trouble in any context.’ says Gavin de Becker in his book the ‘Gift of Fear’. Chapter 8 on persistsence, persistence, persistence is excellent advice for dealing with these types of indiviuals.

[Lisa]

Hi Puzzledatlife,

I have private messaged you but I don’t know if you have seen my messages. I am the forum moderator and it is my job to keep you safe on a public forum. Please note that I have had to edit some of your posts as you are posting very specific detail that could make you identifiable on the public forum. Please refrain from including the information that I have removed on a forum that is accessible to anyone. If you have any questions at all please have a look at the forum guidelines.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter. I hope that you can find a safe time to phone the helpline and that you can get support from your local Women’s Aid group.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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