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It’s nearly half 4 in the morning and I’m awake again. I tried to go out with a fried this evening after a family meal but felt so poorly I had to come strait home before even managing to by one drink. My lovely dad drove and collected me. I’ve managed one short evening out in 12 months without my children. I love them with all my heart but I just wanted a bit of time to let off steam. I wasn’t even able to have it that night though because he spent all night texting me telling me he needed reassuring and generally finding fault everywhere. It’s so exhausting to know that he will pick fault in anything. So I didn’t get that night to myself and I didn’t get tonight either because I felt ill. To be honest I think the illness is down to stress. I single hamdenyl bring up the children at the moment one of which is only weeks old. I obviously look after the house alone… And the dog lol. I manage bills alone and I’m attempting to organize when I go back to work but at the moment I may have to put that off as I’m so tired and don’t know how I’ll manage all this alone. Yet I have to constantly be understanding of him and take all the s**t he throws at me. I’ve woken up at just gone 4:30 am to feed our baby (just like I do alone every night) and I’m met with a barrage of texts off him saying he doesn’t believe i was where I said I was last night, he doesn’t believe I left to go home because I was ill, if I was being sick how could I have been on whatsapp etc etc etc. I’m too tired to even let it get me stressed anymore. The outcome to what ever I say is literally inevitable because I recognize this patern. What ever I say- he will twist it and then he will say it’s over and of course it will be my fault. But even though I know all this- I still can’t let go. I really really wish I could 😢😢😢
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I bet I will be back on here no later than lunch time to say that he has told me it’s over again. I could try the tact of saying nothing to him when he wakes up but then I’ll be accused of not caring, I could try reassuring him but he will say that he thinks it’s time we call it a day because we always come up against this and that I will just never understand him. I could even try telling him how I feel but he will say he’s doing all he can to make it work and if i don’t see it now then he’s clearly waisting his time.
I’m not sure which one it will be but it will be one of them. At the moment I’ve opted to switch my phone off. I wonder how long I will be able to keep my phone off and avoid facing one of the above options 😩 -
Hi Starmoon, sorry I must’ve just missed you at 4.30, I was awake too. How I recognise your post and all those tactics and controlling reactions you are expecting. It’s good you can see it so clearly, I don’t think I ever did until well after I left. In the end I left not because I could see clearly but because I got to the point I felt suicide was the only other option and I didn’t think I could stay sane for my kids otherwise. I still wasn’t sure whether it was my fault. I hope you are able to take steps to get away before you get to that point. Everyone seems to have different things that finally gave them the strength to do it. It will come when you’re ready. I’m not sure if you’ve spoken to anyone about what’s happening, but if you’ve a young child then maybe talk to your health visitor. It sounds like you’d have the support of your dad as well. Make the most of all the support around you and remember, it’s not your fault and you deserve help. Take care x*x
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Thank you for your reply. I’ve heard nothing from him as yet but the anxiety of what to expect is stressful enough. I feel calmer when I have switched my phone off because I’m not constantly wondering why he hasn’t called or text and not worrying what he will say if he does. It’s so ridiculous that I fear he will end it with me when it’s clear I have spent most of this relationship being miserable and hating myself because of him.
The whole thing is such a whirl wind where I never know if I’m to blame… I know that something doesn’t sit rite though and it never has. I suppose it’s just easier to blame myself.
The other thing is, whilst I want to keep my phone off so I don’t have to deal with what ever he throws at me. I also am scared to have my phone off if he does try to get hold of me because he will go mad and find fault with that too. Of course it’s fine for him to have his phone off on lots of occasions and he will say that he needs his space from me and I’m supposed to respect that. But he can’t respect that I need mine. My point of view is never seen x -
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Hi Starmoon. I really feel for you. I now how it feels to get all those texts and want to not respond but feel that you have to because the alternative might be worse. Have you explored ‘trauma bonding’ ? Reading about this might help you understand why you find it so hard to let go and might start you on the path to doing so. You are chemically bonded to him but that can be broken with distance.
I really hope you can get him out of your life soon, go no contact and start living the life you and the kids deserve. You don’t have to put up with his behaviour but I know how incredibly hard it is to break free.
Sounds like you have shut down emotionally like I did. He once stood infront of me and smashed a piece of furntiure to pieces and I just sat there watching him. I wasn’t even really scared because I was so switched off.
Take care and sending big hugs x*x -
Star Moon,
He reminds me so much of my ex.
My ex swung between texting me ten times a day every day, to abandoning me at an hour of need.
Why didn’t I see that this was a sign of his own instability? Why did I think
it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough?You can see things so much more clearly when you are out- I promise you. Yet when you’re in it, you are caught up in the game of emotional ping-pong and can’t see how vile they are.
He is vile to put you through this. The suffering he causes you takes awY from you enjoying your experience of motherhood. But this is what he wants- as he’s angry that he’s not centre of attention.
Hugs x
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