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The day has come around again when i have to go and see my abuser and hand out lo over. I feel so disjointed and loopy.
I used to be really proud of living in a country where women didn’t have to kill themselves to escape their abusers (detail removed by Moderator).
II’ve been told that if he wants to move next door to me he can and he’s good as told me he is going to move here. I can’t escape as he’s getting an injunction banning me from running again. -
Have you called rights for women? Do you have a women’s aid worker? Can you get a third party to take her so he can’t see you. Try to play the long game. The less he sees you upset the more chance he will give up. It’s called grey rock. On a personal note, my heart breaks for you. Try to stay strong, try to distract yourself by doing something nice for yourself X
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Oh freedoms my heart breaks for you. I agree with kip if someone else can hand her over it means you stay in control. I googled the grey rock attitude & it’s a great idea. Make yourself as boring as possible to him so he loses interest. Don’t give up, that means he won! Your daughter needs you. I know how lost you feel, but just take a deep breath & think about why you’re doing all this…..for you & your daughter to have a better life. Don’t let him win xx
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Hi, freedoms.
One problem with contact that I’ve experienced is the ‘living around’ contact day. So you find your anxiety increasing towards contact day, then massive relief, almost slump afterwards when it’s over. Of course, it’s still being trapped in the abusive relationship. It will be very draining long term and not good for your mental and physical health. He gets the opportunity to threaten and intimidate you with ‘moving next door’ and injunctions. In his own mind he thinks the injunction means you are tied to him. As has been suggested, a third party is needed. I don’t know what the contact time is and how it could be organised so that you don’t have to see him. I know you will worry about your child; that it would be better for your child if you are there at this time. But then you suffer. Sometimes I’ve thought I can tolerate the drip-feed of abuse from him: at least it gives him his little outlet and I can monitor the situation, but long-term it’s very destructive on mental and physical health. You need further advice from a domestic abuse adviser so you can get as far out of this situation as possible. X*x
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Yes I feel for you too. Just to echo the ladies above, you need to get help from women’s aid and look into whether a contact centre or third part for handovers could help
Stay strong, don’t show emotion to him. The grey rock is what I’m doing with my ex. He hates not seeing me cry, shout, get angry, sad etc. It gives you a little bit of power and helps show him you won’t be drawn into his sick games
Sending you love and blessings xx
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Well the grey rock went a bit urgh. Tried to get there as close to the arranged time as possible but then had to stop to get some new tights which made us late and made me freak out . Then have spent a few hours freaking out by myself (v. clean house now). Terrified that my lo is going to say about my freaking out to ex which he is going to use against me.
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Still here though 🙂
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Yes, you’re still here and that’s another pat on the back you deserve. Who cares if you freaked out a bit. Let him say what he wants. Hopefully with grey rock he won’t get the chance or it will go in one ear and out the other X funny how many of us use housework to release stress. I used to clean for hours and hours each day. I thought it was because he used the state of the house to abuse me. So I thought if I cleaned and cleaned he wouldn’t find fault. He always did anyway. This was before I realised he was moving the goal posts. I still clean obsessively when I’m stressed 😃
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Think I’m getting a bit better. Last time I freaked out before during and after visitation time but this time I managed to get my head sorted before I met lo. Good job as got pulled into discussion about what lo and ex did today and didn’t react to photos of lo having fun or talk about new lady.
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