24th February 2017 at 9:40 pm #38507LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
I just can’t cope right now. Still struggling to accept that after everything he did to me, he just walked free. There’s just no justice. He’s out there telling people that I’m a liar and he’s been falsely accused and I just have to try and get on with it. Knowing what he done. Reliving it all the time. Knowing that I never lied but me being truthful weren’t enough. I just don’t know how to live with this.
24th February 2017 at 11:59 pm #38514Peaceful PigParticipant
Hi LBP, it’s so hard to pick yourself up and keep going after this. It just adds to the preexisting trauma of what he did. Hold on to the truth, you know you can live with your conscience. The truth needs no validation. You’ve been so courageous to get to this point. Maybe when you’re ready it will be time to seek counselling for the trauma to help you move forward. I barely left the house for a month after a different but similar trauma. That was well over a year ago now and counselling has helped me move on further than I would have imagined possible. Ignore anyone who doesn’t completely support you and give yourself loads of time and love. No-one else matters xx
25th February 2017 at 8:14 am #38521LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
Thank you Peaceful Pig.
I’m still waiting for the counselling to have a space for me, it’ll be a few weeks yet. Have lost friends because I just can’t people right now you know? Don’t really know how I’m supposed to get through this. xx
25th February 2017 at 10:02 am #38525danicaliBlocked
Female victims, and child victims, are often never believed. Even in some tragic cases, where a woman was killed by her ex, the crime is minimised in some way, or the sentencing. It’s sick and it makes me very angry. I’m sorry that you are going through this now, it’s not fair
If he continues to lie to third parties about you, you might, and I emphasise the word might, be able to get an injunction against him to stop him telling any more lies to third parties, but be wary of going this route as you may have to pay out for it, and also you may face being disbelieved again, or police doing nothing to help. But it is a form of defamation and that should be illegal and it should by all rights be prosecuted given how damaging it is 🙁
The other option is to just try to “switch off” to what he’s saying or doing. Not easy, that…
You know the truth. So does he. He can deny it and lie until he’s blue in the face, but the truth never lies, nor dies. Even he has to live with that. Secretly. Bullies always cry out the loudest when accused of something. That is what this is. Deflection.
You must try to accept the fact that for yourself, and for so many women, including me, that there just won’t be justice delivered. Society is still far too backwards to ensure justice is delivered against these men. As I type, it was just on the news that in Russia they are doing away with sentencing for perpetrators of DV if it’s within the family… let’s not assume that is going to be limited to Russia… I wish it were different. But as things are today, ultimately we can only hope for karma to strike. I’m still waiting x
25th February 2017 at 3:52 pm #38531SerenityParticipant
Big hugs to you.
The hardest thing, I think, is trying to move on without an apology- ‘the apology you never had’; it’s even harder when they actually try to make you out to be the one at fault.
It goes against all reasonable justice for them to behave as they did, and to get away with it. It’s anti- life and its anti- justice. It goes against all accepted moral laws.
We’ve mentioned on here a few times about playing the long game. These abusers do eventually slip up and show their true colours to people, albeit gradually.
In the meantime, I’ve been thinking a lot about how not everyone is like you or me. Not everyone is empathetic and has a sense of duty towards other human beings.
Unfortunately, quite a few people operate on a very primitive level. It’s a great injustice that people who have been made victims of suffer greatly, and lose such a lot of confidence, but this makes them vulnerable in a number of ways: first, the abuser (and other abusers) can smell fear; also, our lack of confidence in ourselves and our fear can be interpreted as a lack of confidence in our own story, the fact we need others to believe us interpreted by some as an attempt to make people come into ‘our side’ and to manipulate their belief ( this is unfair, of course).
It’s very, very hard when you are a victim of DV to feel strength and self-conviction. You’ve been blamed, you’ve been gaslighted, left confused, and your sense of self has a taken a battering. But I believe that- to the outside world- we need to be like a graceful swan, acting with dignity and calm, even if we are paddling like crazy underneath. We can discuss and show our true fears only with trusted people who understand. This graceful swan act will be your armour. You can just sit back and wait for him to show his true self. You don’t need to do a thing.
We all need support and validation but you can get that from trusted places. You don’t need to convince everyone. People like to find out their own truth, and your main responsibility is to yourself and your nearest and dearest: you aren’t defined by others’ opinions.
25th February 2017 at 8:55 pm #38542AyannaParticipant
We are all here for you.
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