Really struggling

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

I literally can’t stop thinking about him with his new girlfriend!!! It’s bringing me down everyday. I’m due to give birth in a matter of weeks and all I’m thinking about is them?? Please tell me this is normal? I think of them having sex and how there probably laughing at me I thought he loved me and only me?? I’m not exactly going to meet anyone anytime soon, how is that fair when I was the loyal one, honest, loving, caring etc all I wanted was that respect back. I just feel like a baby machine. No time to myself, trying to pick up the pieces from the relationship. Constantly a mother, while he’s moved on, having fun, enjoying his life!! Just feel like life is way too short and I’ve wasted them years on him. I actually hae myself

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

Sending you a big virtual hug and cup of tea! It must be an incredibly difficult time about to give birth with your ex now being with someone else, on top of all the hormones you will be experiencing, and the aftermath of the abuse.

I can totally relate to thinking about your ex with another woman all the time, I am constantly haunted by these thoughts too. I have reason to believe my ex was cheating on me with at least one but I suspect multiple women right from the start! He fits the profile of a psychopath/sociopath with no empathy, conscience, guilt or remorse and was a pathological liar. Once when he rang me from work I heard the voice of a woman right next to his phone moaning and laughing in a sexual way, it gave me such a terrible feeling in my stomach but at the time I had no idea he was cheating as I was still deep in denial. I still often think about him and this woman, and am haunted by thoughts of him cheating, when he was doing it, who with, wondering if he ever told them about me and what on earth he said. He no doubt lied to them too. The way he lied to my face about it is probably the worst part, going behind my back doing awful things than acting like this innocent person and getting angry with me over the smallest things!

It is incredibly hard but what has helped is thinking that we are the lucky ones as we escaped. My ex joked about killing me. I escaped him but maybe another woman in future may not. It’s easy to think of your ex and his new partner being all happy however it’s simply not true – he was with you he will be the same with her, their behaviour fits a pattern and always repeats itself with every person they are with.

Perhaps you could see your new life with your new baby as a new chapter? You are bringing a new life into the world which is a wonderful thing evem if right now it feels extremely hard. The child is lucky because it has you as a mother and the abusive father is now out of the picture. You have the chance to mould the child into a wonderful human being, you can raise him/her in an abuse free and loving environment. Just think in future the child will say ‘my mother is amazing and super strong, she brought me up on her own after leaving my abusive dad, she is my inspiration.’

Also, you never know when you’ll meet another man, I was unexpectedly asked out on a date recently which was a reminder that there will always be other men, however it also made me realise that I need to be happy and strong myself first before I start dating again. Use this time for you and your child and when the time is right a man will come along, and by then you will be able to see any red flags before getting involved.

I think you really need to look after yourself and your child. What might help is if you bought a few small tokens for yourself and your child to represent your new life? For example I’ve just bought myself a piece of rose quartz to represent love, it was under £2 from a local museum shop and sits by my bed representing a new chapter for me. I’m not sure if you sew or knit or crochet but you could make something for your baby too like a blanket or quilt, or see if there is a local market where nice old ladies sell their own blankets (I’ve picked some up before at a decent price and they are lovely!)

Sending you lots of good vibes, hang in there. xx

[Relieved]

Hi, I’m so sorry you are having a tough time especially being pregnant. Do you have someone you can talk to? I feel you need to talk through your worries. Your GP or midwife can help – or call the helpline.

You need to put yourself first so you are able to look after the baby, sounds like you have other kids as well. Can you find time to do some little things for yourself – have a bath, do your nails, read a book, watch your favourite soap – anything that focuses attention on you for however short a time. I have had to learn to do this after years of putting others first – you can’t look after others if you don’t look after yourself first.

I know it’s easier said than done to say stop thinking about them – I feel sorry for any woman who meets my ex – I wish I could tell them to steer clear of him. If he treated you badly, he’s going to repeat his behaviour with subsequent girlfriends.

Please don’t hate yourself, women are amazing, you are amazing. Life can get tough but you will get through this xx

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Thank you guys so much. We have only been split a few months and moved on within weeks, it killed me finding out but then I got stronger and happier but seem to be going back down hill again. I think I’m stressed and exhausted. I have 2 other children and doing this alone is very tiring but like you say I don’t this on my own all me!! I’ve had no financial support from him and csa can’t help as he’s cash in hand. So I should feel proud I got all the baby stuff on my own as well as keep my other 2 babies fed clothed and loved. Just finding it hard to find the positives.
I am receiving counselling and have missed 2 weeks due to pregnancy problems but I’m going back this week so maybe that hasn’t helped. I just think it’s complelty unfair that the victims still lose out!! I hope in time my life will feel better and fuller. I just got to me grateful me and my children and alive. Feel stupid mourning over an abusive ex when there are people out there dying etc

[lilaclady]

You should feel proud doing this all on you own! You are amazing. You will get through this and life will get better, it will. And I think someone said here try and see this as a new chapter, a new baby a new life. Is there anyone who can help out, maybe look after your other kids while you put your feet up and have a break? Any self care you can give yourself right now is key. Do you have anyone to talk to? Building a little support network for yourself helps, whoever it is, midwife, counsellor, friends would help? I have a list of people that when I am feeling down and low I ring or see, just to speak to someone or sometimes I don’t even tell them about things that are going on just chatting to them helps. Also we are all here for you so keep posting here too. Take care x*x

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