Really struggling

[Surviving]

I’m finding all this very hard. The dad has been given shared care of my youngest and the holidays are to be shared also but had to be agreed by both of us. He demands what he wants. He he wants her for the week it he is working so She is staying with 3rd party’s. I have tryed to negotiate but he ignores me. I then say (detail removed by Moderator) I think these holidays should stay as the shared contact days he has in the order as the order says (detail removed by Moderator) weeks notice anyway for the holidays
My solicitor told me today that I am wrong and if he wants her that week that is his right and it’s none of my business if he is leaving her with his girlfriend.
So I email him again saying I could agree to him having the (detail removed by Moderator) but for her to be home by (detail removed by Moderator). But again he ignores me and don’t co firm anything with me.
I keep getting told I can’t fight anything or they will see it as I’m being difficult and will loose my daughter to him.
He was the abuser yet he gets everything he wants just because of the lies in the cafcass report

[KIP.]

Have you spoken to Rights for women. They offer free legal advice. Contact your local women’s aid for support. I know this is very difficult but the more he knows he is upsetting you, the worse his behaviour will become. If you can try to play the long game. In my experience these men quickly become bored with the kids when they can’t use them to upset us. Meantime stick to the court order. Log every time he is late or deviates from the order. Keep a diary of your child’s behaviour. The times she is left with a stranger. Build a case against him. The NSPCC have a helpline too. Speak to your MP and ask for their support. Why leave your child with someone when you’re available. Doesn’t make sense to me x

[KIP.]

I was thinking if the order says (detail removed by Moderator) weeks notice for holidays then can’t you send an email since he won’t respond telling him what the plans are. You could email that you have been trying to contact him as per the agreement and have the emails to prove it. Since he refuses to contact you, you will assume this period will continue as shared contact days and you will be making plans accordingly. Just an idea? You need to outwardly be seen as being reasonable. It’s unreasonable that he won’t agree to dates. Court is expensive. Do you think he will waste more money arguing about it?

[Surviving]

Tryed the local MPs and they don’t get involved. I told my solicitor that I emailed him saying as it’s not (detail removed by Moderator) weeks notice and we can’t agree and (detail removed by Moderator) so we are all getting our heads around the new routine so I said it would be best for little one this holiday if we stick to the shared care arrangements rather than share it on this occasiin. My solicitor said I was wrong to do that

[Surviving]

Still have summer holidays to sort yet. I’ve said I want the (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. He ignored it too. So we will see. My other child don’t have to see dad now but he has to see mental health and child physcologists because of the abuse from his dad. So I’m hoping now cams and Senco are involved they will see my youngest is at risk and May be help

[Alba]

Hi, this sounds an awful situation to be in, but I do wonder if you should get a second opinion as your lawyer does not sound very supportive. From my experience the rights of either parent comes after the childs, and if it is the case that your children’s father was abusive to you and your oldest child, and continues to be unpredictable and doesn’t have the child’s best interests at heart then surely you have a case? Document everything! Ask if a relevant professional can back you up, and phone the children’s rights and women’s rights advisors and lawyers, they are really helping me fight my corner. If you can state all the concerns you have for your child wellbeing, safety and happiness then you can fight your corner and dictate (with the children’s best interests at heart) when and for how long would be best for your child to see his father. I hope this helps you, I’m at the beiggining of the road when it comes to all this but finding a good lawyer with experience of domestic abuse, and having the support of women’s aid, local police and health serveces massively transformed my ability to stop my ex-partner being able to continue the psycholical abuse he was still able to use on me or my child. Now the only access he can have is a contact centre and cannot contact me directly until he can prove he is capable of being a father and not a danger. Instead of proving this he’s (for now) given up and disappeared. Without the help of those incredible people I may have had to be driving hundreds of miles every few weeks and be worried sick leaving her with a man I’m frightened of but having no control to do anything else. Be strong and remember so long as your children come first your in the right and can fight to keep them safe and happy.

[Sunshine]

Hi all,
I have just today stopped contact with the father of my daughter and her. (detail removed by Moderator) was the 1st day of non-supervised contact. He didn’t collect her as what was agreed him mother picked her up then dropped my daughter to his flat. To my disgust the day went by him having no electricity in his flat, him sleeping on the couch while my daughter played by herself. I am heavily involved in lawyers and my women aid worker supports me but I am really scared if this goes to court he would potentially end up with residential access. (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve asked for a drugs test too as he has obviously been on a drink and drug bender. I am so scrunnered…. (detail removed by Moderator) X*x

[Surviving]

He only had a little contact to start but then I threatened to stop contact after he left her alone in a (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) and they all turned against me and cafcass lied and twisted her report. Now I’m not aloud to fight anything because they all keep saying I will loose my daughter to him. It don’t matter if I keep notes or have evidence they ignore it all anyway to support fathers rights

[Surviving]

I just give up now. No-one can help me and I don’t trust anyone now if cafcass can do what they did and then social services telling me to stop contact after the (detail removed by Moderator) incident as it’s negligent but then not backing me up(detail removed by Moderator). If I fight anything now I wil loose my child to him. (detail removed by Moderator) and he causes problems already.

[KIP.]

Do not give up. That’s what he wants. I met incredible ignorance from various organisations but also some terrific people who understood. So keep speaking out and when you find a good supportive professional, hang onto them. Play the long game. These men always trip up. They can’t help themselves. Just keep a journal of everything. And change solicitors to one who understands abusers. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice and women’s aid for a recommendation of a good solicitor. The law is based on fair and reasonable and it’s not fair and reasonable they your little one is left in a flat with no electricity.

[Surviving]

I keep trying to contact women’s aid and rights for women but no luck getting through yet. I emailed the ex to say because he failed to commu hate with me and sort arrangements and agree to a routine good for little one that contact should stay as the set days on this occasion. But he just replys with the same thing “(detail removed by Moderator)” I didn’t agree as he is working anyway so she wil be left with 3rd party’s but my solicitor said it’s none of my business. (detail removed by Moderator) But nope he still saying he is having the (detail removed by Moderator)

[KIP.]

He is bullying you. Are you in a position not to be around when he says he’s coming? It’s upto you how you handle this. If it’s going to cause you too much anxiety, then you can give in to his demands. Knowing that after this there is a court order in place. I would set out the terms of holidays from now on so he cannot bully you. On the other hand if you have explained in a reasonable manner that it’s in the child’s best interests until the court order comes into effect I cannot see why your argument is not fair and reasonable. You will also have to deal with the repercussions if he doesn’t get his own way. It’s a tricky line to walk and only you can decide but keep trying Rights for Women. Also, most solicitors offer free initial advice so you could go to one and ask for a second opinion.

[Surviving]

I’m just going to have to give into him and let it happen. I have given him the option if 7 days when he has the days off so he can spend the time with her but he has chosen the week where he is working because he knows it will hurt me that she will be spending the holiday with his girlfriend. If (detail removed by Moderator) becomes upset by this then hopefully it will start to show

[KIP.]

If he knows it’s upsetting you he will carry on behaving this way. Once the court order is in place then he has no excuse. By leaving his child with someone else it just shows he’s doing it to upset you. Don’t let him see the upset. Keep your head high and play the long game. It’s just a matter of time. His gf won’t want to be stuck with his child on her own for a week either. You need to pick your battles with these men but you can be rigid too. Log every time he doesn’t turn up or brings her back early. He will get bored when he sees it isn’t hurting you anymore.

[Surviving]

Well this is the first time he has had her for t nights. Already she has come home and said he made her cry. He routed at her (detail removed by Moderator) again. I knew he would start but didn’t realise it be this soon. Also she said the girlfriend stayed the night and she didn’t like. Poor kid has had to go through so many changes

[KIP.]

Just stay strong and be a rock for her. I’m sure other ladies on here will tell you how quickly they become tired of looking after their children. Once the thrill of confrontation has worn off and they are left with the reality of looking after a child.

[Sunshine]

The system is so wrong. Social work don’t get involved in contact issues but to me our children need our help. It’s a very sad situ

[Surviving]

The teacher has now already picked up on him treating her like a baby. He carrys her into class which will undo all the work me and the teacher has done to encourage her to be independent and not need me to take her into the class. What will it take before the child services do something to protect a child. My poor child don’t want to go to his house forms week in the holidays because he is working but she has no choice. Now making her cry because she got tired of doing (detail removed by Moderator) She is only (detail removed by Moderator)

[Ayanna]

Find out what your child wants.
You can always raise safeguarding concerns with social services.
You need to argue that you want to act in the best interest of your child and all you want is her safety and wellbeing and that she reaches her full potential.

Also, you could do another thing.
You could raise your daughter to be very fussy and not happy with anything what he offers.
That will put him off looking after her.

[Author]

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