Really struggling

[Canon]

I saw him today. It’s been over 2 yrs, but this has really triggered me today. Part of me is scared I’m going to lose it and just end up in a massive rage that I won’t be able to control. It will be him who received that – no one else. But I know I can’t do it. It’s not me – and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction, but it’s really triggered me into dissociating all evening and flashbacks of his face.

I just want this to stop. I wish he would 🤬 off and move away from us. But no – he chose to move somewhere that I have to pass almost daily😡

Today was the first time though of being stood right next to him. The rage I felt was unreal. I hate him for what he did to me and my kids – and I hate that we are still struggling to recover from it all, I wish we could just move forward and really be free. But I feel like I’ll never be free – not in my head anyway

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there Canon,

I read on here that often these men seem to choose to move close to their victims. I think he is doing this just to hurt you some more. How dare he. There’s just no reasoning with them is there. Most healthy non abusive men would realise the upset it would cause and choose another place to settle. I’m so sorry you have to live with him so close to you. It’s not easy nor fair if you had to move.

Have you received any counselling to deal with the wide range of emotions an abusive relationship causes? I have moments of pure hate and find that with the right therapist I have a place to get it out in a safe space. You can also use this forum, I put my thoughts into words here often and there’s a feeling of release when I do so. So keep posting as well x

[Canon]

Hi, thanks, I am thinking of moving to be honest. I don’t think I can keep doing this. My kids were petrified yesterday when we saw him. That’s the bit that gets me the most. If they hadn’t been impacted and it was just me I could probably manage it as I see him for exactly what he is – a sad little bully who only targets anyone he thinks won’t stand up to him (never once seen him gets angry with another man – only women!).

I did start counselling not long after I left but had to stop due to other things that were going on in my life – I’d have ended up with a breakdown if I carried on at the time. I might see if I can re visit it but the cmht say it could make my ptsd worse so they’ve advised against me going over it all, at the same time I’m going over it all every day anyway because no matter how hard I try – it’s there in my head!

[fizzylem]

Hi, you’re really angry aren’t you, I can get like this and have felt consumed by it in the past, thankfully I’ve moved on from that now, it can be done, is needed. For me I found I had to make a decison, I had to decide what is most important here, my mental health and not feeling angry anymore, or continuing to hold it against him.

Have you heard the quote, anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? It kind of is, your anger doesn’t effect him in the slightest, it only effects you and those you are around.

I worked on forgiving myself, the bits I blamed me for, how could I have been so stupid, and so I was then able to let that go – which was a part of it and do ble because that was something within my power to do.

Nowadays when he pops in my head, I distract myself, tell myself no, not going there and do somthing else. I found meditation helped me to gain control over my thoughts a lot.

I’ve just got the keys to a new place, and I have to say, I feel at peace when I’m there, because he doesnt know where it is, that might change at some point, but I will fight for this if that time comes, so for now I’m enjoying the safety and contentment the place gives me. I can also see how in time we will be making new, happy memories there, which will have nothing to do with him. If you feel you want to move and can, go for it x

[resilient]

i am sorry you are experiencing this. at times, i get overwhelmed by my emotions and what happened. i tell myself that my feelings are valid, although they are uncomfortable. it would have been almost a year since seeing my ex and i still get fearful in their presence. i do not like feeling vulnerable

[Author]

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