Really struggling

[iliketea]

Hi, a few things have happened lately that have very slowly eroded my smile and my sense of it being over and a new life was ahead. I can’t go into too much detail here I guess. But basics are ex, rearing head, being difficult about serious things, having to spend money I don’t have on solicitor, and basically just turning everything upside down for no reason except for I suppose attention and n********t supply. Coinciding with this was a big event in my life and ever since I’ve been on a complete downer, can’t pick myself up, much much worse than just before I left him. Some friends really let me down around the big event, individually, and I realised they don’t care at all for me, zero thoughts to my feelings, always about them. I suppose I just have been having a good look inside me and realising that pretty much every friendship and relationship I’ve ever had has been unhealthy – always n********t v co-dependent. It just feels like too much. I just feel like I can’t fix this, or fix me, I was meant to be “aware” as Im having counselling, but then had two more friendships which weren’t real at all, just about them, no true kindness, no caring, unbalanced, if I asked for help just got thrown in my face. I suddenly realised, I’ve always had friendships like that, where people take the p**s, and then when I go “hang on, that’s not right”, they go “Well f off then” high drama instead of “oh I’m sorry I upset you, i’m having a bad day” or something like that. And round and round and round. I don’t know why, and it feels like this is so entrenched that it will be impossible to change it now, to turn it around. If I didn’t have children I’m not sure what I would do. Just feel so hopeless and empty of fight. Just wonder if I should let ex know he’s won, have the children, have my life, have my belongings, my house, everything, that’s what he wants, have it all and just leave me alone. I don’t know how to get out of this, I always bounce back, always find resilience to carry on, after a lot of bad things I’ve experienced, but I just can’t seem to this time. I’ve lost all hope. I’m on anti-depressants already, and they’ve already been upped, I don’t think that will help anyway, it feels like something serious has shifted in my head. A massive realisation that I am so broken that it will never be fixed. Can’t seem to make nice friends, can’t seem to have normal relationships, or a normal life. Sorry if you’ve read this far. Everyone happy today, end of lockdown and all that, just makes me feel even more lonely seeing everyone with their friends and family.

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea, so sad to hear you sounding so down. I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. It’s awful when you have a little taste of freedom and that life can be good and then bam, your ex rears his ugly head and puts a spanner in the works. Exactly what’s happening with me. And I’ve felt exactly like you, let him have the lot – just leave me in peace. We’ve got to keep battling though. They are not going to get the better of us. They are sad losers and the only thing they have in their life is spewing misery on others. You on the other hand are a kind and generous woman and have been an inspiration to many on this forum. I know you don’t feel good about yourself right now but from when I joined this site, you have been so there for me and for others, always giving support, lots of good advice and generally geeing women up when they need it. So you need to spread a little of that love and kindness you show others onto yourself right now.

It also doesn’t help that your friends have let you down when you feel you need them the most.
I’m not sure if it would work for you but I recently had a big clear out of people who were not bringing anything good to my life. Rather being a bad thing, it actually felt really liberating. I don’t have many ‘friends’ as it is but I’d rather have none right now than have those who are a drain. It’s exhausting the thought that we have to start again and build new friendships/new relationships. And to be honest, although I’m a bit lonely too I’m not focussing on friends right now – I just don’t have the energy. A good film, tub of ice cream, long walk or whatever I fancy is just about all I can manage and I’m ok with that. With my counsellor, I’m trying to find out about me and what I want from future relationships rather than fitting in with others (yet again) and meeting their needs at the expense of my own.

You’ve got this iliketea. Don’t be hard on yourself. We’ve spent a long time in unhappy dysfunctional and abusive relationships. It’s going to take time to heal and that’s what you’re doing; it will be ups and downs. I know your day will come and you will be living the happy, contented life you deserve. Sending hugs. Keep strong x*x

[iliketea]

@Lifebegins, thank you! You’re SO right! and it really helps to hear Im not the only one in this position with friends. Yes, I feel quite good now, it is liberating thinking I don’t have to carry on putting up and shutting up which is what i tend to do, rolling over, doesn’t really bother me that much, Im bigger than that, all those things that we say and do to adapt to inflexible unkind people! Thank you. I hope you’re ok, I’m with you totally on all of those things, and don’t mind my own company at all so as you’ve highlighted, I’m going to just enjoy the peace and quiet of my own company for a while whilst I reset and understand a bit more. Hugs too, and thank you. This will pass won’t it? It has to, nature of the beast? xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Oh bless you! You’ve been such a strength to everyone on this forum, I wish I could say something that would help you. You deserve to be happy, you’re a kind, thoughtful person. I’m not in a great place so I’m probably not best places to offer motivational chat but I do know from previous advice that you’ve offered others abs I hope someone comes through with something to help you feel better.

All I can offer is loving prayers and a very big virtual hug xxxx

[iliketea]

@Cantmakedecisons thank you! You’ve got so much going on yourself it is so kind of you to send me support as well. Thank you, I really appreciate it. Hugs to you too, this will get better, for all of us, it has to. I hope you’re doing ok. Thank you. xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Iliketea,

When you first leave, it feels like a super fast roller coaster of emotions. Then as time goes on, things seem to slow down and the downs seem to last for longer than you can cope with. The upside is that when you’re feeling good, it is less of a short term high and more of a stable period of having the strength to push forward.

I took a long hard look at my friends and gradually worked out who was good for me and who wasn’t. I seemed to have attracted narcs like flowers attract wasps.

Over time, I’ve ditched them all (except my Mum who will be a part of my life for as long as I have my Dad.

I spend my evenings alone, messaging my true friends who I’ve had to leave behind. I found I developed a sense for those who were like me and I formed new friendships with women who get it because they’ve been there. They are distant but very true friends.

I remember when you left and I felt that your driving force was to protect your children from their father. That was an incredibly selfless thing for you to do. If you give up and let him have them now, the impact on them will be life altering and life long.

It sounds as though you need to take a few days of R&R from the struggle to re-energise.

What are your go to quick fixes? Really focus on your feel good pass times. You could try googling “25 ways to raise your vibration”.

Insight timer is a free app with some good binaural beats. These are easy, no effort required.

I wish I could say that it’s easy divorcing a narc but it isn’t. They are vindictive; they want to destroy you. But narcs are weak I know you have the strength to fight this.

Take a few days to focus on regaining your strength. You can do this, we’re here with you. xx

[iliketea]

@Eggshells, thank you so much, you talk such good sense, thank you. I have taken a couple of days to reset. I had a big work deadline which I’ve moved and just concentrating on me. It really helps to hear what you say about the time thing, that is so true. And friends. Ive come to the realisation that they were toxic and I feel really good at not having to have them around any more, its funny how a few days can bring perspective. Not constantly having to respond to demanding messages all the time – I hadn’t realised how much headspace one of them was taking up, without reciprocating anything. You’re so right, my children are my driving force and you’re right, that would be a very bad move, for them, I know. I will just take a deep breathe and carry on. I looked up “25 ways to raise your vibration” and have had my eyes opened and have decided I need a change, a big change, and its suggestions like yours that will help me to do that, so thank you! It has given me some focus and excitement to start on this self-love, concentrate on me and mending (though my counsellor says I’m not broken and I shouldn’t think like that!). They are vindictive aren’t they? In some ways, when it comes out, in a less covert way, it sort of makes me feel better, along with all the bad it brings with it, because its so out there and obvious and clear. If that makes sense. Anyway, thank you so much for your support. xx

[gettingtired]

Hey iliketea, I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I agree with the others, you’ve been a great strength on the forum to many.
I’m afraid I don’t have much advice as I’ve not left yet so am still stuck in a bit of a mess.
I can really relate to you saying that all of your old friendships have mostly been with narc personalities. Looking back, two of my closest friends growing up were not actually very nice. They were possessive of me and I remember always walking on eggshells with them a bit, feeling guilty if I’d seen another friend as they would get jealous and sulk or make comments/give me the silent treatment. In the end I sort of fell out/lost contact with them after school but I do feel sad sometimes when I see people who still have wonderful friendships ongoing from school. I feel like I lost out on making true friends because I put the narcs first. Like Eggshells, I feel like I’ve always attracted these types of people and it saddens me a lot to think of the years I’ve wasted on them (including my partner).
I find Dr Ramani’s YouTube videos really insightful, I’m not sure if you’ve listened to any. It’s also comforting to know there is a whole community out there who understand and have also fallen victim to these types of relationships.
Sorry I haven’t been able to give you much advice but I’m sending you a virtual hug ❣️ x

[iliketea]

@gettingtired you have given me great advice! I looked up Dr Ramani, she’s brilliant and really engaging, so big thank you! I’ve always attracted narcs too, I wrote a list the other day, narcs, normal and co-dependents and then what I knew about their parents too, such an eye opener. Its all a journey isn’t it, and a big big learning curve. I hope you’re ok, you’re like me, gathering all the information up before making a move. You will, it will happen, in time, on your timetable, sending you strength. Stay safe too. x*x

[Eggshells]

It’s lovely to read your posts @Iliketea. It sounds like you are managing to push through this. I have huge respect for you, you’re quite inspirational you know. (If you read back through your posts from our perspective, you’ll see it I hope).

Sending hugs. xx

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