18th May 2020 at 8:59 pm #103717BalloonsParticipant
Hi, I wasn’t sure whether to post or not.. I’m in a pretty bad place at the moment. I’m finding it hard to reach out to family and friends because I just don’t know what to say, or how to encompass everything I’m feeling into words. I am heartbroken my marriage is over. I’m so sad for my children that they don’t have a mummy and a daddy together (I never in a million years thought I would be here.. but I’m sure nobody does). I am overtaken by doubt, what if things weren’t really that bad? What if it was all in my head? Did I push him to it because there’s something deeply wrong with me? He never got physical with me, making me doubt myself even more. Even though the police are now pursuing coercive and controlling behaviour, I still don’t believe it and think that they will just turn around and tell me that I’m overreacting. That they will believe all the lies he says about me. I have a court hearing (detail removed by moderator) for a child arrangement order and I’m so scared he will get even more time with the children who are still so young. And then I feel guilty.. it’s not that I want to stop him seeing them at all, I truly just want what’s best for them. I’m so stressed out, and so lonely. It’s so much harder when the children go to stay with him now there’s the lockdown and I’m not working anymore, I miss them so so much and I’m angry that I have to spend any time at all away from them when I really believe he forced this situation by behaving the way he did. I tried so so hard to make it work and he only got worse. It just all feels very unfair and I’m finding it very hard to stay positive, or even just find any positive.
I’m sorry for rambling so much, I just really needed to vent.
19th May 2020 at 12:05 am #103734Same-againParticipant
Hi Balloons, not sure if you’re still up but just wanted to say I know how you feel. I was in lockdown with abusive partner and now I am alone. No children, just me and the cat! Work have furloughed me… it can be a long day.. He’s convinced all the neighbours it me who’s crazy. Anyway, just want to reach out and yes, it will get easier.
19th May 2020 at 12:17 am #103735WalkingonsunshineParticipant
I just wanted to say I have been going through exactly the same feelings. I Feel like my head is all in a muddle, I have been doubting myself for months as to how bad things were, had I perceived it wrong, did I not try hard enough? What lies is he telling everyone else? Being away from the children is excruciatingly hard, to the point where I’ve thought about going back so many times, thinking I can put up with it for them, or postponing it for a few years until they are older, But I can honestly say I’m glad I didn’t. It would have been so easy to go back, but I’d think about how far I’d come already just making those steps to break free.
I got so anxious in his company I couldn’t bare to be near him, yet when when we were apart my brain would play tricks on me and only let me remember the good times. I found writing down everything he’d done helped, if I thought about the good times I could look back at what I’d written and remind myself exactly why I had to leave.
I’ve found reading has really helped solidify my memories and the questioning of abuse. I use the time the kids are with him to read, to Distract myself but also research and try make sense of all the emotions I’m going through. It’s helped me take a step forward to realising the breakdown of our marriage and separation of the family was his fault for behaving this way, not mine. It still breaks my heart thinking they won’t have a mummy and daddy that are together. But at least they will have a mummy who is truly happy and you don’t want Then to grow Thinking that that kind of behaviour is a normal relationship.
I know there’s a list of books on a forum Here somewhere to look at but one that always gets mentioned and I’ve just started to read is ‘why does he do that’
I’ve also just read ‘the passive aggressive covert n********t‘ which I enjoyed. I really Felt like the books could relate to me in a way that my family and friends couldn’t. The n********t book also had a section on healing which I found really helpful.
In answer to your post yes it does get easier. I haven’t had to go through courts so can’t help with that one. Stay strong, don’t doubt your worth x
19th May 2020 at 6:28 am #103741lostandbrokenParticipant
Hi balloons, I’m going through the exact same feeling of anxiety and doubt if it was that bad, or if it was me over reacting etc. Mines left me so many times, and then we go through the same cycle of emotional and verbal abuse. I’m heavily pregnant with a toddler, he’s been gone a couple of days and hasn’t bothered to ask how we are. He’s very selfish and cruel. I hope your ok x
23rd May 2020 at 6:56 am #104125DaisydoParticipant
I’ve not been on here for a while, I am in exactly same place as you, feeling really sad that the children are not going to be growing up in a happy family home, doubting my decision, questioning did I do enough, was he really that bad, remembering the good times, the lovely family holidays that we won’t have anymore and I feel so down about it. We had been together a very long time and have been seperated a few months, he eventually left when I found out he had started seeing someone else, that in itself is a hard pill to swallow, I couldn’t believe he had done that, he has not cheated in the past and I suppose after more than a year of me rejecting his advances towards me, what did I expect
The last few weeks I had decided I was fed up of feeling bitter about things and have been trying to put everything in a happier place, trying to think more positively but now I have found out from eldest child he would like them to meet girlfriend and I am so not ready for that, it hurts in so many ways. Plus I am trying to be respectful towards him and include him in any decision making towards the kids, I still let him come into the family home, etc and I think he should talk to
me first about these things, not the kids. Not the rest time this sort of thing has happened and then I react badly, not how I want to in front of kids.
Sorry I havnt answered anything, but it helped me a little to read your post and realise this is all probably part of a process we go through? ?
25th May 2020 at 8:56 pm #104343BalloonsParticipant
Thank you everyone for your responses, it does help to know I’m not alone. But I still cant help but feel like maybe my case is different? Maybe I did really misinterpret things and now it’s just got really out of hand? I know I didnt make this decision lightly but I am just so full of doubt the whole time. I hope everyone is doing okay x*x
25th May 2020 at 10:19 pm #104346LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to give you some support. I can see that you have already had lots of supportive replies from others who are in similar situations.
It sounds like you are doubting yourself a lot so I wanted to give you some reassurance. You have done the right thing, you have done what is best for you and your children. It was not a healthy environment for you or them to be in. The way he treated you was not acceptable, coercive control is very serious and you are not overreacting.
If you haven’t already, you could get some support from your local service which you can find here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ As you said in your post, it helps knowing you are not alone so maybe you could see if your local service run any support groups.
I hope things start to get better for you as you deserve to be happy.
Take care and keep posting
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