Really struggling – please help me keep going

[Starla]

My plans are pretty much all set. A spanner has been thrown in the works which messes up the plan but I’m going to have to go for it anyway.

I’m really struggling to cope at the moment, with the stress of pretending, questioning whether I’m right to do this, fear of doing it, and dealing with the pretty much constant abuse and gaslighting (or maybe it’s not that and I really am that bad). I have self harmed twice in the last week which I hadn’t done for ages.

I’d be really grateful for any words of advice, or comfort, or strength.

[Lisa]

Hi Starla,

I just want to show you some support. You are doing great. It is very normal to be feeling stressed but please just keep calm, you are doing the right thing in leaving if he is abusive but do phone the helpline to get some safety planning advice. Don’t let him know that you are going as this could make it dangerous for you. Please speak to your GP about how you are feeling, it will be totally confidential but perhaps they can talk to you about your options to help prevent you from self harming.

We are all here for you. Try the helpline and let us know how you get on. The helpline can be busy so if you can, leave a message with a safe time for them to get back to you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Anabela]

Hi Starla,
First of all, I am so glad to hear that you have an actual plan and almost ready to leave. That is so important!!
I completely understand how scary it is. How stressful it is. You probably still have feelings for him. But you are making the best decision for your life.
You mentioned that you have to deal with constant abuse and gaslighting. That’s the answer to your questioning whether you are right to leave. You are! I personally think, that you would never prove to an abusive partner that he is gas-lightning you. He would feel no wrong in doing it and that’s why it would never change. And you just deserve a better life.
I really struggled to leave. It took me a good few times (I like to say I had to prove the statistics) until I left for good. And I felt guilty, I felt in love, I worried about him – all those feelings. But once I went no contact I started to move on. Life is not perfect, but when I remember what kind of things I had to deal with when I was with him, now it is so much better. And everyone compliments that I look really good, that I look recovered. And I feel like that 🙂
Stay strong and stay safe. Don’t tell him face to face that you are leaving (I underestimated his potential reaction and it ended up in violence). And yes, you are making the best choice for yourself xx

[maddog]

Your are doing so well, Starla. I too am struggling and the heavy cloak of gloom is on my shoulders despite the meds. It hits hard, like a fish from Unhygienix’s stall in Asterix. A real body blow.

[maddog]

Your are doing so well, Starla. I too am struggling and the heavy cloak of gloom is on my shoulders despite the meds. It hits hard, like a fish from Unhygienix’s stall in Asterix. A real body blow.

[Starla]

Thank you for your replies. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling maddog. I hope that things improve for you soon.

I’m one of the statistics too, I left repeatedly, but that was many years ago now. I know that if I want to make it work this time I have to follow my plan, but I’m scared because it means I don’t know what the future holds beyond The Day, even as to where I’ll live. I’m horrified by my plan and how really cruel it seems to him, but I see no other option that results in freedom.

I am trying to think of happier things I will do after, like dyeing my hair and getting a tattoo that represents freedom and hope. But this week I’m often finding that the enormity of what I’m doing, and the fear and panic is overwhelming. It helps to write it here though.

[Twisted Sister]

So glad you found somewhere to write and its heartwarming to hear how that really helps.

It is a huge weight you carry and sharing the load can lighten it considerably.

You are in good company here,of many that have been through this and understand the challenge of doing this.

Likeyou said, you’ve tried it the other way and it didn’t work. Look at them as your practice runs that have give you insights and more strength for now, for this, the real push to escape for good.

Talk it all through, we’re all here to help however we can, you can do this, and its important to find your own super soother, whatever works for you, at times when you want to hurt yourself to take away the terrible distress you are feeling. Whatever is the most soothing thing you can imagine to support and care for yourself, to give yourself the love and support you deserve. To find comfort, calm and peace. Sending you strength for your plans and staying here for your support.

Warmest wishes ts

[survivorandproud]

You are unbelievably strong! Stick to your plan and contact the helpline or even the police if you feel in danger. Do not tell your abuser you are leaving, keep yourself safe and only tell those you trust. Do not look back, what you are doing is so powerful and strong, never doubt yourself and do not let your abuser manipulate you, these men are great at doing this. You only live once, put yourself first!! Lots of love x

[Author]

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