Really struggling to tell anyone

[dancing in the rain]

I really want to talk about how I’m feeling but I can’t find the courage. Most of my friends are mutual friends with my husband. I have family but they live a long way away. I have grown up children. I’m scared they won’t believe me and that makes me think maybe I’m exaggerating, even though I know that our marriage has been not right for a long time and his behaviour when he is Mr nasty is unacceptable. I’m worried that friends and family don’t see it and may think that all marriages have arguments and disagreements, most men don’t behave as their wives would like….. Will they think I should try and make it work??

Help, feeling so lonely and confused.

He says he will move out but then doesn’t do anything about it. If I moved out would I be at a disadvantage in terms of future negotiations? (I could afford it…)

[KIP.]

Nobody has the right to tell you to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. Regardless of abuse. It’s nobodys business. Marriages end for various reasons. I hung on for decades waiting on that get out of jail free card. When I never needed one. If you can afford to move out then that might be the best option. You’d then need to employ a solicitor to deal with the finances and mortgage. Expect him to dig his heels in and try to leave you with nothing. That’s where you need a good solicitor. Get some legal advice first and see where you stand. Get all your ducks in a row. Don’t discuss it with him, he’s going nowhere and will tell you what you want to hear to regain the upper hand. Then lie, deny, backtrack, make you feel confused. Members of my family were surprised I stayed as long as I did. They were very very supportive and wished I’d told them sooner so they could help.

[dancing in the rain]

Thank you KIP!! Your comments are always so helpful xx

I sometimes wish he would hit me and then it would be unquestionable….!

[KIP.]

The violence came when I would not back down and insisted I wanted a divorce. Before then he had always managed to manipulate me into doing things his way through guilt, fear,Obligation and just pure mind games. So he lost it and I rang the police and he was removed from the family home. This will sound mad but it was a price I’d gladly pay again to stay in my home while he was kicked out. The bail conditions gave me lots of time to start divorce etc. At the time I was looking at places to move out to with my son. I think him knowing this made him even angrier. So don’t tell him anything about your plans. He will never ever be reasonable so don’t make the mistake of thinking he will and you can negotiate. Never gonna happen x stay safe

[Escapee]

I only told one family member and to help them understand what I had been going through, I sent them web links that matched my experiences – I think this really helped.

But it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as you know the truth. The chances are you children will too – mine are older too and they were aware of how their Dad treated me.

I hope you’re free soon – keep strong.
Xx

[Hetty]

I’ve been worried for a while about my claims on the house if I were to move out (we are married but my name is not on the mortgage). I’ve spoken to a solicitor and you can register your rights to the property meaning he can’t sell without your knowledge after you’ve left (if that’s what you decide to do). It’s a very small fee so I’m told.

[dancing in the rain]

That’s a good idea escapee. I think my children do know how things have been but I don’t think they will want us to split up 😟

[KIP.]

You would be surprised what your children want. They want you to be happy. Of course in an ideal world we would stay together but if you’re happy, that passes tomyour children and friends and family. Being abused means they don’t get the joy of seeing that x happy mum happy kids x

[dancing in the rain]

Thank you KIP x*x

[dancing in the rain]

We had a massive row last night, partly because we had both been drinking…. A lot of stuff came out and he is now saying he’s sorry that he has made my life so horrible, and that’s just the way he is. He is being the understanding, non-judgemental person I fell in love with. My head is going to explode. I am now thinking maybe we can stay together if he changes but wondering if I’m being manipulated again, its a horrible feeling of confusion. Is this just the FOG KIP?

Seeing a counsellor tomorrow so hoping she will help me work out what’s happening and what to do.

[KIP.]

Yes it’s absolutely the fog. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. They will use anything to regain power. He will go from anger, if he can’t bully you he will try pity, guilt, begging, crying, emotional blackmail, your kids, and eventually violence when nothing else works. The roundabout of abuse goes round and round until you choose to get off. It’s a dangerous time and when you refuse to back down you will once again see his true colours x stay safe x

[KIP.]

The non judgemental man is fake. It’s a mask he wears to hook you back in. Keep a journal of his behaviour that you can refer to when you weaken x

[dancing in the rain]

Thank you KIP.
Hetty, I’m lucky that my name is on the mortgage so joint owners…..
I spoke to my sister about what is happening and the years of abuse. She wasn’t totally surprised and was totally understanding. Its good to know that someone outside the family knows now.
He has said he’s going to look at a flat (detail removed by moderator) and if its OK he’ll move out at the end of the month, fingers crossed. He also went to see a counsellor but I get the impression that that just gave him the opportunity to talk about how badly I treat him!!
This made me fearful again that its my word against his and he will manipulate the children and others to believe that its not all his fault. But now I’m feeling more like “I know what the truth is and anyone who knows me well will realise that what he accuses me of is totally contrary to my nature and the reality of our relationship.
He has suggested tat we split the savings 50/50 and that he will pay half of the house bills after he’s moved out……This is great but I can’t decide whether this demonstrates that he’s not that bad a person or that he is lulling me into a false sense of security.

[KIP.]

Liar pants on fire. He’s keeping a hook in you. You want him out, the house sold and a divorce. He’s working backwards. Want to keep you financially dependent, having to rely on him for a roof over your head which he can use as leverage or just to continue his control. He can walk back into the home any time he wants. He can threaten to do this any time he thinks you’re not playing his game. Ask him to move out, agree to sell the Home asap, split the proceeds the way the law allows, split the savings 50/50. Are you aware of how much there is in savings? Can he have a bank account you don’t know about where he’s hidden thousands. Don’t trust him. Get legal advice. Get a legal separation so he can’t run up joint debt which he can while you’re married bu not separated. If he can afford his own flat and still pay the bills on the family home you can bet he’s got plenty to do this. Remember half the savings are yours anyway so he not doing you any favours. My ex cancelled all the direct debits on the family home, without my knowledge, trying to use financial control. Knowing he earned lots more than me x

[Newbeginnings1234]

I would be very careful about believing what he’s said about splitting the savings and paying the bills. After I left, my Husband repeatedly sent me messages and emails telling me that neither of us needed a solicitor because he’d give me anything I wanted and sign anything I needed. I didn’t listen, hired a solicitor anyway and as soon as I started the divorce process he hired the best solicitor he could find, tried to take me to court and forced me to pay all of the rent and bills on the house he was still living in for months, even though I wasn’t living there anymore. I was glad that I didn’t believe him because it would have been much worse if I didn’t have a solicitor x

[dancing in the rain]

He says hes seeing a solicitor next week to find out how to protect his rights when he leaves….

[KIP.]

If he is actually seeing a solicitor and not making it up it will to see how best to fleece you and possibly have you removed from the home. Please don’t trust him. Get your own ducks in a row. What Rights does he want to protect? The right to come and go as he pleases. He will come back with a load of nonsense that he’s made up. Probably saying he’s been advised not to leave the marital home.

[dancing in the rain]

KIP do you think I should see a solicitorI’ve been looking at the citizens advice website and thought I might go and see them

[Hetty]

In my experience it’s best to see a solicitor as opposed to CAB as their advice is very general. Get expert advice. Even if you have to pay (some will Fido an initial consult for free) it’ll be money well spent. He’s protecting his interests. Make sure you do the same.

[KIP.]

Absolutely get legal advice. Don’t tell him your doing it. Most offer a free initial consultation but you need to know the facts. Not the nonsense he will tell you. I ended up with the house and my holiday home while he had to start again from scratch. After all the years of telling me I would get nothing. He’s going to get angry if he knows you are seeing a solicitor so tread carefully. This really is an unpredictable dangerous time. Stay safe x

[KIP.]

Do you know exactly how much savings there are and where that money is. My ex emptied the joint account. Hid thousands. It’s hard to prove and expensive to fight over in a court battle. You can bet he’s already started making plans for himself and the finances x

[Author]

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