Really struggling today

[Shazza]

Hello you lovely ladies,

I hope you are all as ok as can be.
I’m struggling today. I think recently more and more things that happened before I left have surfaced and I’m struggling to come to terms with them. I am in therapy so am doing what I can to help myself in that sense. And I know in the long run it will be beneficial but I’m really struggling in the here and now, despite techniques I have been provided with.
I’m constantly worrying about the future and where me and my daughter will end up. I know we had to leave but sometimes i get so worried about long term plans and how bleak the future seems that I sometimes wonder if I have done the right thing by her and whether it would be better if she was still in her family home. And it’s hard cos I do miss my home, but I dont miss the abuse so I know I can’t go back. But I feel like there aren’t very many options sometimes.
He has really stripped away my self esteem, so I am struggling to have any faith in my decisions at the moment and am plagued by self doubt. I feel so worthless all the time and it’s so hard to pick myself back up. I am trying to reach out for support but obviously people have their own lives to lead and I don’t want to drag people down with my constant moaning.
He told me recently that I am a drain on those around me. I have had a few difficulties in the last few years and he mentioned this by saying that it isn’t fair of me to expect people to be there for me all the time with my dramas and that they must be sick of me by now. He said that people don’t really like me, even my close friends, he said they certainly don’t love me and only tolerate me. I have really taken it to heart. I so want to reach out and ask to see people, and go out etc and get on with my life, but now I’m so worried that he is right that even when asking to see my friends at the moment I can’t help but think they probably don’t really want to see me, and that it must be an annoyance for them to have to hear from me. I know this is probably what he wanted to achieve with those comments. But knowing that doesn’t make it feel any less real or painful. I can’t help feeling like he is right and that I should just withdraw and leave everyone alone.

It all just feels so painful and unfair at the moment. And it sounds ridiculous but I even sit here crying about silly things like the furniture I chose for our house and how he is currently the one getting to enjoy these things. I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter, but everything is getting to me at the moment. It all just feels like it’s crashing down on me at times and it is hard to find a way through  that.

Thank you for reading through my waffle. Maybe some if you identify with some of what I have mentioned above xx

[Lisa]

Hi Shazza

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling, and I really hope you are doing ok today. It’s normal to have these days and it can take time to process everything.

You really have done the right thing for you and your daughter. The things your ex-partner has said are not true, he is emotionally abusive towards you but you are loved by everyone around you.

Please do keep trying to reach out for support from your friends and here on the forum, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Shazza]

Thank you for your message Lisa. I really appreciate the support x

[Hazydayz]

Hello Shazza lovely. I’m so sorry to read your really struggling today, bless you. Reading what you wrote brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes to feel what your feeling. I am often here dribbling on about my stuff and I sometimes think who’s listening? I know too that everyone here is going through their own stuff but it’s when you read it that it hits home and has a big impact on how similar some of us are feeling. But, today I just want to say…Shazza, my heart goes out to you and your daughter too. What your going through and what you’ve been through! You are entitled to some sympathy and understanding and I want to offer you that now. If it helps you feel any comfort at all? I am hopeful it will and, I will have done something positive today for someone else. Im not very good at saying things the way I intend them to come across so that it reads the way I want it to so I hope this will be enough for you right now? But, honestly I think you have done and are doing an amazingly brave thing here. You have opened up and written here so openly and so well, well done for being able to do that. It isn’t easy sometimes is it. I hope you will get more replies here that help you feel that we can empathize with how your feeling. I want to say also, you have done amazingly! getting out of the situation you and your daughter were in, by the sounds of it, he sounds a horrible monster and a liar too. I’m certain you are loved very much by all who don’t understand maybe? What he has really done. To you and your daughter and your self confidence. Please don’t be sad and lonely today, pick up the phone and call a loved one or good friend if you can? Let yourself see how wrong he was! And how your good folk are there for you. Lots of love to you💕

[Shazza]

Thank you hazydayz for reaching our, I really appreciate your message of support. I will keep trying to reach out to people and will try not to believe the lies that he comes out with. You are right, as long as my daughter is with me that is all I really need x

[Hazydayz]

P.s. your not dragging people down with constant moaning here, don’t worry about that. I’m the one who does that here I’ve noticed lol. Another thing I forgot to mention is, I do identify with you in many ways. I want also to say… Im sorry your missing your home and home comforts, worrying that your daughter is too. I really hope you will feel soon… Wherever you are? Home is wherever your heart is, and that’s wherever your daughter is with you isn’t it? Same for her too I imagine, it’s where mum is, Where love resides! I know it’s likely to feel different, for both of you, being somewhere else, it will take time to adjust won’t it. I understand, me and my children were left homeless years ago. Home is in our hearts and memories isn’t it. Material things? Well, really they don’t matter above love do they. We just all love material things don’t we to fill our homes and lives with, make life feel easier? Or is it to comfort us in our uncomfortable lives?? Maybe that helps? But I really do hope you and your daughter are settling, into your new life and new home very soon! xx

[searchingforhope]

Don’t ever feel you’re dragging others down. One of my friends recently said she’s not sure some days whether to bring it up as she knows I’m tired from talking about it yet knows I need to. She’s one of my main supports. So I think sometimes we get that feeling as we are so tired from needing to vent and get it all out.

It is all so draining. I get you with the self-esteem and doubts.
It is a horrible time, but it can’t last forever, it must pass.

Mind yourself and your daughter, sending you love.x*x

[Shazza]

Thank you searchingforhope. I do sometimes feel like I go on about it too much but then equally need to talk about it to get it off my chest and to help me to heal I think. Sending you love x

[searchingforhope]

I totally get that too. Then there are days I just don’t wana talk at all and try pretend none of this mess even exists. It’s so draining.

Hope you’re ok xx

[Author]

Posts