15th December 2015 at 9:12 pm #6211
My ex husband was emotionally abusive, smashed the house up and punched holes in the doors. I have two children both older. Years ago at primary one of the children made a disclosure about Dad damaging the house but as we had left Dad some years previously no action was taken.
Dad has severe mental health issues, is under a psychiatrist and has attempted suicide. He has also admitted having crazy thoughts about what he may do.
Fast forward to now. The children are both older and haven’t seen Dad for five years by his own choice. He has never sent money or gifts or maintenance even when he knew where they were and has the kids bank accounts which he doesn’t use either.
Years ago we set up Skype, free calls, email and FB for them to stay in touch but he never uses them. Messages can be 6 months to a year apart and often not about the children.
On Sunday morning after no messages for months one of the children got a rather aggressive message demanding her address and the kids schools. He has never shown any interest in the children’s education before and infact told us he is not interested. Apparently he wants it to give to his brothers who the children have never met and who I has only met twice as Dad was not close to his family before. Mum is also worrying as one of the brothers works for an electric company so could find it anyway.
The kids don’t want anything to do with him. The older one hates him as they remember stuff.
I am now terrified. Dad lives down South but the brothers live close. I don’t want to give my address or the kids schools.
16th December 2015 at 10:07 am #6234
That’s tough and frightening for all of you and I’m sure will have unnerved you and your children.
My advice is not to reply.
If you are scared and feel your safety is compromised you could ring police.
Could he contact any other family or friends for address? If so warn them and ask that they don’t give it out.
If the electric company worker get your address on his behalf which seems very unlikely they would have broken the law.
Hope you feel less anxious soon x
16th December 2015 at 10:31 am #6238
Thank you for replying. I’m scared because I just fled and didn’t report the abuse. I did do the freedom program online but other than that I have no record of his abuse 🙁
I have spoken to school and made them aware. I said I knew that he could ask for kids report if he finds the school as he has PR but to make sure nothing goes out with our address on.
Only my parents have our address and they would never give.
16th December 2015 at 11:20 am #6239
It might be a call to WA helpline would help too? They give really down to earth practical advice and answer Qs when asked – not after pauses due to moderation on here!
Keep reminding yourself and children that he doesn’t know where you are and that no one else who knows will tell him. You are all safe and have been for ages so your plan has been successful.
Reassure the children and talk to them about no contact being an OK option.
If he is getting in touch now after several years tthen why use children not you? All sound a bit worrying to me in terms of his past behaviour so no contact is the only answer. And don’t forget local police if you are really worried or he is increasing harassment. Reporting abuse that’s occurred years earlier when there is a new spate is not uncommon. Take care x
16th December 2015 at 11:35 am #6242LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for you post, I’m sorry to hear what’s happened, it’s understandable that it’s shaken you. He has no right to know your address; if you have not done so already you may wish to opt out of the open electoral register at http://www.gov.uk.
Because he has parental responsibility he does have the right to know where the children go to school. I think it might be really helpful for you to seek some legal advice. The Rights of Women website has some excellent guides regarding Parental Responsibility and they have a Family Law advice line on 0207 251 6577.
Alternatively you could contact Duncan Lewis Solicitors support line on 0800 689 3275. Both services would be able to discuss this with you in more detail.
Of course you can also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 for support.
Kind regards and Keep posting,
17th December 2015 at 8:17 am #6264Falling SkysParticipant
I’m so sorry for the upset and worry this must be causing you.
I never told anyone what I was going through and stop going to the doctors when he ask if my husband had cause my injury’s.
Move on a couple of decades and we are splitting up, I spoke out to Womans Aid, Rape Line and the Police. They were so kind and helpful. Speak to someone and they will help you so much. Knowledge is power, find out your rights xx
17th December 2015 at 11:37 am #6275
Thank you everyone.
So I can just ignore any requests for my address.
Obviously he can take me to court but I have two lots of proof that it is his choice that he hasn’t seen them.
Can I resist giving details of their school (maybe email copies of reports without school name showing) until he takes me to court for it or would that look bad on me? Given one of the kids told previous school about him punching holes in doors and being scared of him.
One of my children has special needs and is very worked up he wants to know their school 🙁
18th December 2015 at 4:49 pm #6310KIP.Participant
Hi there, I can’t stress the no contact rules enough. Look at the anguish he’s causing merely by contact. Unless you hear from an official Chanel I.e. Court. My advice will be to block every means of contact he has and if the wants to see his children then there are proper channels he can go through. My guess is he won’t bother. Try not to believe anything he says or threatens to do. Only act on what he actually does. It’s all mind games. Hopefully when he sees you won’t play his games, he will get bored and move on x
19th December 2015 at 7:45 am #6339
listen to KIPs wise words on no contact. She nagged and nagged me on this point till I finally accepted it was what I needed and took her sound advice. It made such a difference.
Sadly I have to have some contact intermittently for reasons I can’t say as I’d possibly be identifiable. When I do I crash down – like I am now. Soon it can stop totally and that day can’t come soon enough.
KIP is right – it’s the only way x*x
19th December 2015 at 6:06 pm #6363F1r3w0rk5Participant
Do not give him anything, my ex’s brother demanded doctors details, then my ex apparently rang them and told them all about me. I haven’t spoken to the doctors yet but I’d give him nothing. No good will come from it. Hope that helps xx
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