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Hey. I posted before so I don’t mean to bore anyone. I know my situation isn’t as bad as others. So I’m sorry. But I’m afraid. We’re at the dangerous point. I still haven’t told him I want him to leave. But I do. At the same time I’m grieving the good bits. Right now the bad outweighs the good. He’s sleeping elsewhere in the house (i won’t be specific for the forum) but he’s constantly on one at me for being cold, distant, unloving. I have explained that the last physical outburst he did scared & upset me. And I don’t want to hug or be physical. But he’s flitting backwards and forwards between angry outbursts, then the guilt trips, then being nice. He says I love you. I don’t say it back (although I fear the repercussions, I just cant). Then I think, maybe I’m over reacting. Maybe I’ll miss the good bits. And I’m so confused. Then I remember the kick he gave me at the end of the last physical outburst, when I was sobbing. And how he told me I was pathetic. And then I know in my heart I belong with you women in this group & it isn’t a bad dream I made up. I’m not overreacting. I’m hurt and afraid & that’s real.
I don’t know how to say the words please leave, even though relief will come after. I’m afraid to. It’s like that feeling when you’ve forgotten your homework and you know it’s for the meanest teacher and you didn’t mean to forget it. That sinking sick feeling. But he’s upping that ante. I offered him the bed and I’ll sleep elsewhere. But he won’t sleep in it without me, so now he’s the victim pushed out. He’s told my eldest that he’s sorry things are bad but that I keep starting fights & don’t love him. I was told this by my eldest in private. She’s knows what’s been happening so she finds it awkward to respond to him. I hurt for her being in that circumstance. Still no one knows he’s here. I have to do this alone. I guess, I choose to, almost like if someone helps I’m more likely to jump into protecting him & doing a 180. He’s made it that others involvement is wrong in my mind, so I think it’s a trigger that I can’t have. On paper it helps. In reality it causes me to go back & it’s a force that stops me seeing it for what I have to. So I have to find the strength to do it alone.
I’m sorry for rambling on. I’m just so alone & afraid of the big thing I have to do & then the journey to get over it. -
Try to take each day as it comes. If you feeling really overwhelmed then take it all in baby steps. Get wa to guide you start with gathering all the info u need first xx you write a letter to help to tell him when the comes. You sound like you need to prepare yourself first. This isn’t easy and you sound like you are trauma bonded if you don’t mind me making that assumption. Read about this you’ll know when your ready.
Where as I waited until It got crazy and I put myself and the kids in danger xx -
Yes, he’s lying to and emotionally abusing your child. Probably saying things to anyone else who will listen. He will paint himself out as a victim and do everything he can to discredit you. They do this so that when their behaviour is exposed they can blame it all on you. The longer you live in limbo like this, the more damage he will do. It’s the most dangerous time when we leave an abuser so your gut is screaming danger. You need a safe exit plan. Speak to women’s aid. It might be that you need to leave with the kids r get an occupation order to have him removed. But you can’t do it alone x
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Help! I’m in bits. I’ve cried all day & am emotionally exhausted. He’s called me a selfish f**k, piece of s**t between the begging, pleading. Start as soon as I woke up so feeling vulnerable & my resolve has truly been tested. Iv cried for all the good times that I know I’ll miss and then Iv cried for the part of me that kept letting him back in. For every trauma that he minimises. Iv been able to say nothing in return to the overwhelming emotion that comes my way from him. My heart aches & I feel dizzy & like I’m going to mentally break half the time that it’s happening. He’s pleading & then saying he can’t beg anymore & will have to give up on me as he can’t live with me being so distant. He’s trying so hard & im just too traumatised to reach out. Then I think about how he’s seen me upset and has been verbally abusive over & over. Today was supposed to be a weekend day of down time but instead it’s been a dark, emotionally wrung out day from beginning to end. Part of me feels emotionally divorced & part of me is on the floor in upset over how Iv loved this man through thick & thin, tried to make it so great between us & he’s still ended up being physical again. I’m a mess. I need some strength.
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Don’t worry about getting over him and ‘his nice bits’. You will be able to do that with our help. You just have to get through tonight. Please God he doesn’t continue abusing you all night. He’d putting you in terror if him so that you’ll be too terrified to leave, that’s what he’s doing. He’s feeling nice and big and strong hurting you like this. Pathetic really. He’s a real coward. Exactly like my ex husband abuser was. No decent man would ever behave that like. And typical abuser they blame us…if you didn’t do a,b,c,d then I wouldn’t have to get so mad.
It’s very important that you don’t let him know you’re planning to get out of this abusive relationship. He’s not going to want to lose his emotional punchbag. Carry on being distant alright because how could you force yourself to talk or be in the same bed as him. But don’t let him no that this is it for you. Ring Women’s Aid in the morning without him knowing. Keep posting on here without him knowing. Yes you are not overreacting and yes you definitely belong in this group. You will get through this. We’ll support you through the loss of your dreams and expectations for this relationship. It’s just the feelings you have to get through and we and WA will help you. It will be ok. I had to do it and I was exactly where you are now except I had no major physical (well a push and the odd shove) but I had the shouting, screaming at me and terrorizing me. It was the hardest and best thing I ever did was to get out of my abusive marriage. I know tonight is so hard for you to go through, he’s abused you so bad; mine did similar and at least I never forgot that pain and the emotional pain of what you’re going through tonight was and still is a reminder to never go back. And it was that pain that killed any live I had for him. But I still had to go through the feelings after but that can be done.
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This man won’t allow you any peace or downtime. He’s systematically abusing you and he won’t stop – he wants his power and control at any cost.
I know how hard this is. I’ve lived like this for quite a long time. It’s a constant nightmare with a few mediocre times which feel like heaven as I’m not being emotionally abused by him. It’s like being starving and being thrown a few scraps of food which I’m grateful for. It’s taken me quite a long time to get to the point of posting on here and seeing the marriage for the utter torture it is.
The old chestnut of it being our fault and how cold we are… heard this all before many times. Lies lies lies. Keeps them from taking any responsibility for who they really are.
What is your goal? Do you want him out or are you thinking you can leave the family home?
Can you go and see your gp for some emotional support? As others have said, speak with women’s aid for clarity and advice. Keep a secret log of his behaviours. I know how hard this is, il going through exactly the same. I’ve been making plans since October and it’s horrible. At times I’ve been so emotionally exhausted I’ve wanted to run away. You’re not alone x -
Remember theses men have no real emotion not like us. So try not to identify with him. I consider myself a descent person but this is my mind set in dealing with an abuser. I think off them abit like a virus 🦠 no humane at all. They don’t see us as human. A virus gets worse and more aggressive until you get help and keeping away xx just an analogy that helped me. I realised this when I was on my hands and knees too begging him not to go. The best thing I ever did was letting go and seeing him as this as above xx not sure if this helps but it helped me stay mentally strong 💪 and I knew this was done because he had no feeling for anyone xx
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I posted on this forum before under ‘I think I’m ready’ which gives more detail on what’s going on. Goal is for him to leave. But I’m in serious grief as it’ll be (removed by moderator) time & I know what’s coming. I’ve been through the stalking, spy wear put on my computer, threats to his life, etc, etc. The last time I was ok for a few months but he hoovered me back into wanting him, but he wouldn’t come home. I lost 3 stone over a few months, was begging at that point, he was having sex with me & then discarding me, then calling me copious amounts a day (usually early in the morning when he knows I’m waking up & vulnerable) to scream abuse at me about getting rid of him, he acted like he was suffering so couldn’t come home to me. Unbeknownst to me he was living with another woman & they were having the most amazing relationship. When I found out I started divorce proceedings. He panicked & then begging me to rescue him from this woman. I did. Going (removed by moderator) made me feel like s**t. He stayed for a few weeks & then left me to go back to her. Then came crawling back to me. This went on until she wised up & messages me with ALL of the details of his messages, their life, the lies he had told about me. I was devestated but believed his heartfelt apologies. He then stayed with me but was depressed about losing her, told me graphic detail of their sex life, secretly emailed her an apology (she sent it to me), withheld affection, I had to get tested as he’d slept with us both for months.
Iv tried to make it better. Date nights, holidays with the children, amazing moments. And those are the ones I find hard to let go of, even though I made them happen. It’s been so one sides & yet I find it hard to believe I can do them without him. I high moments are heaven. And I tend to forget his moods or how he can ruin them. He sees me as wanting too much from him all the time. He’s been physical & he’s verbally abused me in front of the children. The children have been through so much. I don’t want to break their hearts with another break up & their mum unable to eat. But I can’t keep them in this with a man who is so abusive.
Part of me (the strong part) says “he’s just a man, you’ve left men for less than this & you’ve been fine’. So why am I so brainwashed & intrenched in this relationship. He’s hurt me physically. That full stop should mean it’s over. Yet, even now he’s asking me to stop focussing on the extremes & overeating about it & just love him. God I’m exhausted with the whole thing. I suffer in it, I suffer out of it.
Thank you for all of your comments. They are helping me to keep seeing it for what it is. I wish I’d found this forum years ago. -
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There’s a lot of psychology going on here and he’s using it to his advantage. Trauma bonding and gaslighting. Absolutely zero contact is how you begin. Even try blocking him for an hour at a time. You know your own weaknesses when it comes to breaking it off so make plans for when these kick in. Know how you’re going to deal with the missing him and the urge to contact him. It’s like breaking an addiction and that takes lots of support. Are you in touch with women’s aid?
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Trauma bonds are so strong you cant think anymore. This is the phase that your building up to having to get out of this relationship. I’m not sure if trauma bonding is a fluke off nature but it sure doesn’t help any off us – it paralyses is. That’s why right now you have to trust in professional support and advice. Admitting we’re not functioning makes us feel more powerless I know but we all felt this way and I’m sure the other ladies would agree. BUT it does pass and once you’ve gotten out you will get clarity again – it’s temporary xx reach out for support and follow what they say. Grip the bull by the horns it’s time to get out – don’t leave it until you are at complete emotional melt down. I did and I regret letting him take me down so badly. You can do this and all the research shows children flourish better when there mum isn’t suffering abuse xx you can get out with the right help but not alone xx
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Thank you SO much. Your words help me no end. Grabbing the bull by the horns is exactly what I need to do. I’m too afraid to call WA just yet. But after i know I will. He’s so passive aggressive then telling me I’m crazy if I ask him not to look at me like he does or interrupting my time with the children because he wants a hug, even though he looks so hate filled at me. Telling me he’s just being normal & it’s all me causing the issues. Anyway, it’s time. Soon. I can’t keep living like this. I have to get out & then I’ll fall apart. But I have to be strong enough to cope this time. I know I can. But yes, there’s lots of psychology to fight against. God, I wish it were easy.
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I think I’m going to tell him (removed by moderator), once the kids are in bed. I think I need to just do it. Please don’t dissuade me. I know it’s a worrying time. But I’m in constant flux so it needs to happen. It hurts already & I can already feel the hook & pull back in. So fighting it like an addict. It’s time. Iv written the list to myself as to why. Maybe if I grieve it first this time I’ll get through it quicker. The other times I ran on anger for months & by the time the grief hit it was because he’d taken himself away from it all (found someone else). It’s gonna hurt like hell. I know that. Iv done it before.
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Thanks for responding so much diymum@1
I waited on a response from someone as I wanted to be sure I’m doing the right thing tonight. I went (removed by moderator) to test the waters. (removed by moderator) & got really angry. Then in my face with “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I did what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so so sorry.” He then got annoyed because I asked him if he even thinks of my feelings when he calls me names or hurts me.” He turned it all around telling me I hurt him by being annoyed and cold. I walked away thinking of ur words as I did. He shouted after me & slammed the door to the room.
Maybe I’ll text him tomorrow to tell him it’s over. I don’t know. I’m still having to fight the urge to back down & let him back in. It’s all so hard. -
I know but try to fight it – the logical thing to do is escape him. While he’s still there you could use the grey rock method so basically be very boring difficult to argue with. Tomorrow morning call womens aid and get an escape plan. Not sure if it’s ur house? What the situation is but you could consider a non mol. You need to start working with n a diary of what’s happened and build evidence get other people to make statements. It’s tough and you might feel sorry for him but when the chips are down honest theses men make themselves the priority do you have to too x this is your life xx
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Thank you diymum@1 I really appreciate you still talking to me & counselling me through this. The weekend from hell it seems. The house is in my name so he’ll have to leave. But has nowhere to go this time as his one friend & family he used to stay with have all moved.
I just called my mum for first time in ages & said we should all book a cottage holiday somewhere in the summer. So obviously part of me has already disengaged & is making plans that won’t include him (my parents don’t know we’ve been back together & Iv shut them out a lot because of him). So I feel really positive just doing that. Iv been watching videos too about breaking a trauma bond. I’ll try to call WA tomorrow. Hard as I work such a full on job with only half hour break. But I’ll give it a go.
Thank you so much again. I feel like now I have you guys I can focus on reality & it’s really truly helping. I’m not crazy or weak- and people do get out of these insidious relationships. Such a comforting thought. Makes me look forward & not backwards.
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