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I’m feeling really confused because of something my friend is going through.. it’s triggering a lot of memories. I hope this doesn’t get removed by moderator.
I’ve always had an inkling my friends partner is emotionally abusive, it’s hard to explain why without going into his whole situation but I’ve never liked his partner and tried to stay away from her, she’s always made me feel personally uncomfortable. She causes trouble and turns things back on to other people. Since my friend moved up there, she’s made things really difficult for him, I feel like I recognise the abusive tactics.. when he’s spoken to me in the past I’ve tried to see things from her side (women’s solidarity) and sometimes I can relate to her moodiness but then she takes things too far and doesn’t take responsibility. Long story short, he’s had false allegations made against him (I genuinely believe they are fake- I’ve known him many years, he wouldn’t hurt a fly and she’s very manipulative), lost his home and could lose his job. She’s acting the victim yet she’s the one who’s laid into him. My conflicting feelings are coming because she reminds me more of the abuser than him.. yet he’s the one being accused of abuse. Perhaps because she’s female unnaturally want to relate to her, I don’t know. Anyway, She believes the things she’s saying. I know my ex did physically lay his hands on me but now I’m seeing things from the other side, I’m feeling guilty for the pain I caused my ex when I called the police etc. My friend is broken and confused. Did my ex feel that way? Can there really be so many different types of abusers.. was I merely just believing I was the victim when actually I wasn’t. It’s so messed up. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why my relationships went so wrong… I made some stupid mistakes too. Before he got physical (and as I’ve said before, that was very minimal) the worst he did was to keep leaving me and coming back- that’s not abusive is it. Perhaps I genuinely built things up to be something they weren’t- just like this woman has done?! -
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Hi again, don’t ever think you were anything but abused. 1) abusers doesn’t recognise when they are abusing people never mind own up to it. You were probably by then, just sticking up for yourself, trying to stick to your boundaries, to no availe. Once we start seeing red flags, they are everywhere!
We are in a war zone, and do things say things out of character, somethings which disgust us as much as what they do. 😏
Hope this helps a wee bit.
IWMB 💕💕 -
It sounds like your friend is an empath in a relationship with an abuser girlfriend. My mother was an abuser as was my grandmother. My father and grandfather were abused. My boss (female) is an abuser and I have many work colleagues who are abusers. I also have many work-colleagues who are empaths and like you confused as to what is going on. I also have work-colleagues who align themselves with the abusers in the workplace and abuse the empaths (for fear that they be abused they dish out abuse so they are not targets).
Character assassination, smearing of our good names, lies and false accusations are tactics the abusers use.
Don’t worry your abuser can’t feel sadness like we do (or remorse for that matter). The only sadness he would feel would be for himself that he was made accountable for his actions. And rightly so, you did the right thing in calling the police.
Keep leaving you and then coming back. Yes that’s classic abuser tactics. Its called the push-pull technique. They idealise us then discard us. They are nasty to us, then nice to us. It keeps us off balance and confused and in chaos.
The abuser’s get a high from our distress when they leave us. Then they need our upset long-term so they feel powerful about themselves so they come back to us.
Its very hard to lose an abuser even though they make out otherwise.
Keep posting on here and reading the posts you will get an expert on abuser tactics and can help your friend with he knowledge.
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Goodness that is so true. You know since I’ve started reading about this subject I’m spotting them all around me its scarey. My manager, colleagues. The only downside is when we recognise these traits in the people we love and believe in its hard to register. Probably because we don’t want to face it. A hard reality xx
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Thank you so much for your replies. It is true that I recognise abusers all around me now. It’s like being punched in the stomach to realise this. I can see the patterns with the people that join forces with the abusers so as not to be abused. I was so very naive to this before coming out of my own abusive relationship. It’s just so horrible! I don’t know how normal every day people deal with this. My friend is definitely an empath. He’s got me through some dark times, by simply saying he can imagine how I’m feeling… even though at the time he’d never suffered it himself. He’s got so many friends around him that I’m sure he will get through this.
Ii could go off on so many tangents with this… I know that there’s things I certainly don’t like about myself, i was literally crazy by the end of my relationship and did some very irrational things, which ultimately just gave my ex the excuse to discard me and reassure himself he had good reason to do so. -
You’re probably right about your friend’s partner, Still-trying, but… Think of all those headlines with neighbours and family members saying the arrested man was a great father, a loving husband, a helpful neighbour who wouldn’t hurt a fly and how they cannot credit what he has apparently done.
You might just like to keep an open mind about him. We none of us know what goes on behind other people’s closed doors, do we? But we do know that abusers can be very charming and have everyone thoroughly fooled.
I hope he gets things sorted out soon and he’s lucky to have a loyal friend in you.
Flower x
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