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Hi ladies,
I’ve recently found out about this forum and think it’s brilliant so I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice…
I met my abuser when I was in my mid teens but it didn’t exactly start then. We’d maybe talked for about a week but ended up having a massive argument and didn’t speak for over a year. Then we got together again and he tried to get me to have sex with him, when I refused he got incredibly mad, trying to guilt trip and pressure me into having sex with him and we had another argument and didn’t speak again for ages. Once again he messaged me and stupidly I hoped he’d changed, I was going through a hard time myself and hoped maybe he was the answer (a very very stupid thing to think I see now!)
Not long into the relationship I’d had a bit to drink on a night out with him and even after I said ‘no’ he got his way and took my virginity. I didn’t realise at that time it was sexual assault.
After this, this is when all the controlling, belittling and dominating started to happen. I wasn’t allowed to walk behind him without being accused of looking at other men. I was constantly accused of flirting or cheating with other men. He started calling me all the names under the sun from s**g, sket, tramp to b***h, t**t, p***k and b*****d and many more. He’d constantly ask where I was, he had my location on his phone and he took me everywhere including to work – to and from. I had to delete all the males off of my social media and change my phone number. If a random call came through from another part of the country which were those automated scam phone calls, he would accuse me of it being a male calling me which I was cheating on him with. He’d constantly go through my phone and get angry at me for anything he could find – or couldn’t find. One evening we had such a big argument he pushed me against the wall and shouted in my face. I thought he was going to kill me at this point.
Not long ago the police was also called out to his house because he were having such a bad argument, he was shouting and I was crying.Anyway this is only a few things that has happened, recently I left but then not long after I found out I was pregnant with his child. I’m keeping the baby but I don’t want any contact with him ever again. He knows about the baby and he’s been sending me horrible messages on text as well as all my social media. I’ve blocked him but he even texted my mum after this and tried telling her that I’d cheated on him. I’ve screenshotted the messages. I’m scared for my baby and I don’t know what the police will be able to do about it. I’m scared he’ll get access to the child and treat them the way he treated – and still treats me.
Any advice please?Thank you in advance. X
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Just want to say welcome Aria, to the Forum and so glad you found us and you’re definitely in the right place. You have been through the mill with him but thank God you have seen through him and he no longer can manipulate you.
Also well done for blocking him and get your mum to block him as well. You can’t move on from him if his poisonous words are getting access to you (and he knows this). He’ll be in your thoughts and head space (and he wants this) and you need to put all your energy into caring for you and your baby and healing from his abuse.
Your best bet is for him to move on and find another intimate partner. This he will be forced to do if he’s not getting any ‘kicks’ from your fear, distress etc. This can be done by going strict No Contact with him. He will try to have access to you but with time when he realizes he can’t get through to you he will conserve his energy and put his energy into finding someone new who he can get a high out of their hurt, fear and distress.
Knowledge is Power so by coming on here you will be well equipped to deal with him even though you have a child together.
Keep posting. You are so brave. You have been through so much and survived and you will heal with time and be a great mother without being abused at the same time.
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Hi Aria,
Well done leaving him. Keep your strength up and never return. They will use any excuse in the book too make you return. It will never be a normal relationship. My advice with your child is seek legal advice asap whether it is free advice from Rights of Women or contact your local women aid. There help is invaluble and they will help you in every way. I am still trying to keep my child safe and belive you me it is extremely difficult with current laws… but the law is changing and you have concrete evidence of domestic abuse so you stick with that and stay strong. In my own personal experience my ex husband used his access to then go on to emotionally abuse my child during contact. Your mother a w***e a s**t etc it is unbelievable what these men are capable of.. seek help and do don’t waste time. X
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Hi Aria
You have been so strong, and its amazing that you have such a strong sense of protection towards your baby already.
Keep yourself safe first and foremost, and that includes even conversations or seeing him on social media or him being able to see you, or you checking into fb and sharing your location.
Make sure he is kept a good distance from you.
I don’t think you have to put his name on the birth certificate, you can call your baby whatever name, first and surname, you want. I don’t believe he can register the birth alone so be aware of this around the time or birth, as they do seem to be aware of this more than mothers are!
He might use it as a time to ‘repent’ all, beg forgiveness, do anything to change, be everything you want him to be, promise to do courses, acknowledge his awful behaviour, and you naturally would love everything to be great and your baby to have dad around but all a ruse to have his name on birth cert, and you will be hormonal and more vulnerable potentially, unlss you are prepared for him and his manipulations.
So glad you managed to post here, keep posting and let us know how you get on.
Warmest wishes ts -
The bit about the birth certificate is really important. If you can possibly avoid it, (you may not know who the father is…? and therefore may have difficulty naming the father and so therefore not mention a name…?) he may as the previous poster says – have found a new relationship by then. I’m afraid the moment he goes down there as the father he has parental responsibility and you will never be shot of him as far as the child is concerned. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what you are dealing with.
all best
ftc
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Hiya, thank you all for responding! I’ve spoken to my midwife and let her know exactly what this man is like, I’m not sure if that could ensure he couldn’t register the birth… I’m new to this and not sure how it al works!
I’m keeping well away from him and making sure there’s no contact. He’s tried to get a response from me by getting his own mother to message me about health issues he’s having but I’m leaving him to his own devices.
I can see how manipulative he is and I like to think I’m ready for anything but every time he doesn’t something new I feel surprised at how crafty and low he can go.
Thank you again for all your advice! I’m going to seek legal advice and see what further action can be taken! X -
You can ring Rights for Women. They will give you free legal advice. Perhaps a non molestation order but you need to keep all evidence. You can also contact the police if he keeps trying to contact you. Just make sure you have evidence that you have informed him not to contact you and if he does then don’t get into a conversation with him. The police will just see this as an argument between two people however if you do not respond then it’s harassment x Rights for Women will give you more help or ring the helpline on here x
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Hi Aria
Welcome to the forum, you have done so well to have ended this relationship, and you are doing all the right things by trying to get all the information you need to best protect you and your unborn child. You can contact your local domestic abuse service for support, often they will be able to provide a limited amount of free legal advice as well. You can find your local service here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/.
You can also contact the helpline on 0808 2000 247 if you wanted to speak to a female helpline worker about your situation to get details of other organisations that you might find useful.Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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You can do this in hospital if you want to have your baby there, and to out him on the birth cert when you are on your own at registry office it says you may need proof of paternity?! Which you wouldn’t have, so you cant name him! It doesn’t say about hm doing it alone, or how else would they prevent duplicate registations for same baby?
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