Recently!

[Benson]

I have been doing really well, achieving things, may be small but things I haven’t been able to do for years, it almost felt things were beginning to be a bit normal. I have also had a couple of counselling sessions, have discussed much as it takes me a while to open up, what I gave said the counsellor has looked quite shocked! Any way a few recent incidents recently has suddenly put me back, I am constantly feeling scared and not being able to sleep. I seem to be reliving incidents and remembering things that had happened that I hadn’t remembered before(if that makes sense!). Today I have then really missed him, felt like I want him back, in fact stopped on the way home from work and was going to ring him- I didn’t just sat looking at my phone. Tonight I feel the same, I just want to go back. I find it all very odd as I have been really strong and doing so well, I don’t know wether it’s because I am expecting important (detail removed by moderator) date to arrive through the post any day and worried that I will loose my child to him. I don’t know what’s going on so thought if I wrote it down it would go away!

[lost]

How do they get in our heads so much??!
Please dont go back. X

[Twisted Sister]

The effects of being abused can start to hit when you are out. Yes, certainly things come back that you didnt seem to be aware of before.
It’s you starting to process everything, and I think it’s because you are now free to process the trauma of your abuses from him.

I know I experienced that urge to be together still, to wonder if it could have been alright, the sadness of accepting its over and facing that and starting to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams of what you had hoped or believed it might be.

Hold on there and focus on you, and what you can do for yourself, treat youtself for your power in getting away and nurture and nurse yourself.

Warmest wishes ts

[lost]

I should have addedd to the last post you sound amazingly resilient and brave! Youve done so much already just hold on a bit longer…Good luck and stay strong . (Also chamomile tea really helps me sleep relaxed and dreamless, i make a cup and treat it as a medicine.) X*x

[teatime]

I was reading your post and wondered if your counsellor is DV trained? Only, I realise now that when they are not DV trained it can be a less than helpful experience I found. But maybe you have every faith in yours and they are brilliant.
I found when I went over things I just wanted him back- but trust me, that passes. I literally had to stop myself driving past or phoning on a daily basis.
It is really important that you move forward.

[Benson]

Thank you ladies, your support keeps me strong. Today I continue to have these strange thoughts. I have put chamomile tea on the shopping list, as desperate for some sleep.

Teatime the counsellor is DV trained, I am hoping for a miracle, someone who can help me return to my old self – can’t really remember what I was like! I am relieved to hear that other people have these sudden desires to go back.

Thank you again for your support, it’s invaluable, it’s the only place I can be open.

[Lisa]

Hi Benson,

I just wanted to check in to show you some support and to tell you that you are doing great. How you are feeling is totally normal. It is normal to greive and miss any relationship but the important thing to remember that acting on those feelings will only make you feel worse and he will manipulate any contact to try to regain his control and power.

You have done fantastically and been so strong. We are all here for you. I hope the feelings have passed and you are having a restful weekend.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Benson]

Thank you Lisa

I have tried to keep myself busy this weekend and have enjoyed some time with my child. I know I am struggling, just feeling incredibly lonely and wishing I never moved away, I have no support and just feel I can’t keep doing this on my own. Last night there was knock on door, answered it and a man told me he had got wrong house, but a dark car was watching, the same car that followed me to work. I am sure I have been found.

Then today I have been out and about and was in a shop when another female spoke very rudely to me, this shocked me and I just burst into tears- how embarrassing, I am really weak when it comes to something like that, it just takes me back to when I was constantly spoken to like dirt by him. I should be much stronger. I am sat very tearful tonight wondering what to do next. I know what I need to do and that is pull myself together, easy said than done!

[lover of no contact]

Hi Benson,

You are doing really well hang on in there. These feelings of ‘longing ‘ will pass. Just don’t act on them. Be ruled by your head not your heart. Logic over emotion. I had them too even though he had treated me like something on the bottom of his shoe. Thank goodness I didn’t act on the feelings as he would have loved me to make contact with him so he could hurt me again and get his power hit.

I had to ride out the feelings of emptiness, longing and the void. They surfaced many times but each time I sat with the feelings and didn’t act on them I felt I healed a little bit more. So now those feelings are practically non existent. So it won’t be like this forever.

Delighted to hear you have got one to one counselling. Keep posting for support.

[Author]

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