23rd March 2019 at 11:01 pm #74767
Demand proper therapy and dump those who think they know best and don’t!
We have been groomed by abusers to think we’re in the wrong.
To doubt our very being and most basic instincts, all trashed.
This is a very difficult place to be asking for the right help from.
If it’s not working then walk away and tell your GP
Too often are women mismatched to support.
The standard response is cbt.
It’s not trauma focussed therapy.
If you’ve suffered trauma you need trauma therapy.
If we all shout loud enough, maybe GPs might start listening and changing what they offer.
Warmest wishes all
23rd March 2019 at 11:29 pm #74768teabagParticipant
You go warrior. It’s like they don’t know what to do for us.
24th March 2019 at 12:32 am #74769fizzylemParticipant
Well said! Making the GPs aware is what is needed, make it their problem! There are services out there but they are largely funded for veterans, why can’t these services be accessed by women who have experienced DV too? Because they don’t have the funding!
CBT can help trauma, but the therapist needs to be experienced in this field of work and able to offer long term support – as much as is needed – only then is it helpful.
If you’re looking for help you need someone experienced in working with abuse and trauma – it is largely the relationship that heals and not the type of therapy – so you are looking for a match with someone you feel is credible and that may be able to help. Go to the BACP website and read the section on how to find a therapist as this will guide you well when looking for and finding the right person. There are questions you can ask, need to ask before making your decision.
What they also dont tell you in the NHS is that if you feel you don’t want to work with the person allocated to you, then you have the right to ask to be seen by someone else and they have to provide this. You need to speak to the service provider to arrange this, numbers which should be on your paperwork.
24th March 2019 at 2:47 pm #74780
Thank you teabag!
Yes, fizzlem, thats so true! It needs to be part of the preamble advice given to ensure that the maximum benefit is gained from counselling/therapy.
To empower scared and mistrustful women to direct their own care and support to ensure its what works for them and to minimise the amount of money wasted on the NHS.
If it’s not working it can be worse than just unhelpful, it can leave a woman without hope, and further erode any trust they may have in others helping.
24th March 2019 at 6:19 pm #74783AnonymousInactive
I totally agree. The amount of times when I got ignored when I was trying to ask for help vs. the one time I had an accident and I was asked if it was him.
Now I’ve got out and my pleas for help are still disregarded or responded to incorrectly. I have been sent to a group session and a therapist, both of whom said how what has gone wrong was my fault.
I’m not going to try any more. I accept it was my fault and I’ll just have to find out how not to go insane working my head around this.
24th March 2019 at 6:53 pm #74784IwantmebackParticipant
I am so so sorry that these uneducated people chose to ‘victimblame’ rather than see where the real problems lie. You are absolutely not in any shape or form to blame for what has happened to you. We are guilty of blaming ourselves too, mainly because it’s the logical thing to accept, because logic and abuse do not go together in any shape or form. I read recently that we have the ability within ourselves to fix ourselves, we dont need therapists BUT they are needed in some walks of life. And not all therapists are like the ones you’ve encountered. I feel it’s needing a professional to affirm what we are doing, thinking even, because our judgement has been so skewed by our abuser. Maybe I’m so off the mark but it’s helping me. As is this forum. Take care and keep posting for a while, it does help to talk, unfortunately it seems on here we’re the only ones who truly get it. Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet, they might be able to give some advice therapist wise.
24th March 2019 at 7:09 pm #74785AnonymousInactive
I’ve had no counselling at all. It seems that if you work full time, you don’t need it….
24th March 2019 at 8:51 pm #74789AnonymousInactive
Do you drive? I’ve heard that some therapists do evenings.
24th March 2019 at 9:31 pm #74790AnonymousInactive
Not in this area unless you pay and I can’t. Ex’s alcoholism has left me in debt.
25th March 2019 at 4:33 pm #74811
There is online counselling. Would this be something that you can do?
It’s awful to be finally ready to reach out needing validity only to not get it.
Or worse, be invalidated for your experiences.
This in itself creates further deep psychological and emotional issues.
We owe it to ourselves and our children, and the world at large to claim healing and validity.
The more we do the more others will become aware of the issues.
Warmest wishes all
22nd April 2019 at 12:28 pm #76434
I have recently been speaking to a child of abusewho is now over age of consent, than expressed the harmful counsillors they were give who blamed this child for not doing more to get away! For being in love with their abuser and wanting to actually be with their abuser.
So, I want to know how exactly we protect our children from the harms of those that are suppose to help. This child tried to kill themself,believing the counsellor s rubbish!
I’m sure this happens to adult women too, and no-one ever knows what the ‘therapist/counsellor’ has done to cause further harm. I am so cross and angry about this.
Warmest wishes to all in your recoveries.
22nd April 2019 at 1:19 pm #76440[email protected]Participant
this may not be what survivors feel able to do – but with women who have been through this and there are so many of us, i think we are best placed to help other women in there recovery. you definitely need to stand in the shoes of someone who has been abused to have a proper overall understanding. without this understanding there’s no moving forward through therapy xx not sure how realistic this is because i believe its a never ending circle. women have to be fully recovered themselves to step into these roles. theres a definte gap and huge need for this. i for one would love to do this especially for the kids facing dv or the aftermath xx love diymum
22nd April 2019 at 1:49 pm #76442
Huge problem here. The NHS refused to treat my trauma as I was going through the court system. Caused me way too many problems. Had to pay privately now have found a wonderful charity for survivors of childhood sexual abuse who agreed to treat my trauma as I was in crisis. I’ve got my MP taking it on. Keep shouting. Even survivors of the Manchester bombing and the Tunisian shootings couldn’t get appropriate trauma counselling. Must be costing the country billions in lost earning and ongoing mental health problems.
25th April 2019 at 6:03 pm #76605
I just saw your post (I don’t get notifications, so I’m sorry,I don’t wish to seem rude!)
Can you share the name of the charity, that others may benefit,if you have found it beneficial yourself?
I was refused also, for the same reason, I wasn’t safe enough to start therapy due to him/court.
At the point women go to court, as I am sure I have tried to emphasise this before is absolutely a time women need a lot of support!
I will be ever grateful to a friend that stood by me through that gruesome ordeal,but it is too much for one person to be expected to support, and what if I hadn’t made it through, what does that do to someone trying to support? It needs proper professional strategies in place to support women through it properly.
I know its true for many women that as a direct result of the trauma they struggle to accurately recall evidence of the trauma, where does that leave us?
26th April 2019 at 7:09 am #76632
It’s a small local charity started by a woman who was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and tried herself to find counselling. When the NHS let her down she decided to start her own charity. Funded by government and lottery etc. Technically she’s not supposed to treat me but as I was in a state of crisis and the NHS said they wouldn’t treat me as I was going through court, she said she had a responsibility not to turn me away. It turns out pedophiles and domestic abusers use many of the same tactics and leave their victims with many of the same mental health problems. Hopefully after me getting in touch with my MP we have secured funding for her to expand and employ trained domestic abuse trauma counsellors too. The third sector seems to be where the funding is going, perhaps leaving the NHS in the dark ages for whatever reason.
26th April 2019 at 5:41 pm #76660
Thanks KIP. From what you say then she could only help out some women in your vicinity, so there would no point sharing her contact.
I’m glad you found her.
I wish the funding would go to NHS funding so there could be a consistency and reliability inherent in the counselling service.
Good luck with your progress
Warmest wishes TS
26th April 2019 at 10:43 pm #76677LozzyXParticipant
I was so disappointed when I finally gained the courage to ask for help to find there wasn’t really anything available … My local NHS initially suggested CBT but then refused this when I said I’d already completed that a few years back, and that therapist suggested Relate to work on our relationship … Hmmm
Now with a counsellor from a charity so I can afford it , but some of the things she asks or says just doesn’t feel right … Like “why did I allow him to do x/y/z…”
But on other things she is helping me so I’ll stick with it for a bit but trauma side ..no help at all really
27th April 2019 at 12:20 am #76681
why did I allow him to do
This is exactly the sort of comment that can push a woman over the edge.
So glad you have the strength and knowledge to see it for what it is.
Report the therapist for taking on something they clearly know nothing about.
I would go back to your GP and ask for some real help. You need a psychotherapy referral surely?
Warmest wishes. TS
27th April 2019 at 7:13 am #76685
My NHS therapist told me to speak to my ex about a separation! I had no idea about domestic abuse and obviously neither did they. Needless to say, I ended up assaulted. I’m sure there are good therapists in the NHS but I haven’t come across them. I think it’s down to finances. Funding third sector is short term funding. Maybe three years at a time where they’re not paying pensions, holiday pay or having to manage staff. Someone else does all that. It must be for financial reasons. I also think in my experience these charities are run by enthusiastic driven people often with their own experiences of abuse and lack of help. That’s the case with the one I use.
27th April 2019 at 7:50 pm #76731IndianaEagleParticipant
I self referred (detail removed by moderator) for mental health issues. Got a call back from mental health services to go through a questionnaire that helps them decide what kind of help you need. Was told CBT was not right for me but counselling was as they recognised that I was at risk of emotional abuse. The counselling was through a local charity and after an appointment with them I was offered 10hours of free counselling with a view to more at either a free rate or reduced rate. I went religiously every week but felt that we never got anywhere in an hour and it was time to go home before I was ever ready to talk. No help with my partner. I finished the 10 weeks and I felt that because I hadn’t left him she was unwilling to offer any more sessions to me. I felt like a lost cause, smiled politely, left and cried in the car on the drive home. I wish I could find something to help me unpuck what is happening to me. You can’t even talk about it out in the world because other women judge you (or I have felt this). How many women are just about functioning while living through trauma in the world? What would it look like if we all got the help we deserved and it was more of a woman’s world?
28th April 2019 at 12:53 am #76751
So sorry, that’s just so sad and so typical of what I am raising concerns over.
You have to wonder how many actual therapists would be left if all these sickening experiences were reported.
I seriously know from all i’ve experienced and heard that the qualifications are not rigorous enough,and have inadequate da education.
How would it look? Probably not hugely different whilst men still hold the power and control.
28th April 2019 at 10:53 am #76767HopeLifeJoyParticipant
That’s so true IndianaEagle! 50 min of session is nothing. I remember talking to friends about what happened, it took me the entire day, hours and hours, we walked and stopped for coffee and all but we stayed on it. I think friends are better suited to talk to than a therapist because you can just pour your heart out, there isn’t a time limit as it is with the therapist.
Maybe what therapists can do best once it’s all out is help repack the emotions. I like the BACP website Fizzylem mentioned. Here is an extract;
“When someone is exposed to a traumatic event there is so much going on, so much to take in, that it’s like we hurriedly pack an imaginary bag with our thoughts and feelings, which we then take away with us from the scene of the trauma. However, this ‘emotional luggage’, because it has been badly packed, may frequently burst open from time to time or when it is ‘knocked against’ something. This is often experienced as distressing thoughts, images and feelings. What we need to do is unpack and repack the bag to help us make sense of what happened. This can be very upsetting to do, and we might not want to do it, but eventually it allows us to re-arrange things so that we can carry the bag without it bursting open unexpectedly.”
I am going to start ‘repacking my emotional luggage’ tomorrow, I’ve got my first session, fingers crossed that she is honest and competent.
28th April 2019 at 12:17 pm #76777ScapegoatParticipant
I finally found the courage to talk to Gp after making appointments for months and avoiding the issue. She told me my oh is controlling and I need to go to relate…prescribed me some antidepressants, hrt, sleepers none of which help. Paid for a online course to be a CBT therapist…hasn’t helped, referred myself to healthy minds who are phoning me tomorrow but Dr thinks they’ll direct me back to relate. Going round in circles been together (detail removed by Moderator) years too much of a coward to leave, feel like I am going to have a complete breakdown shortly. Go to work (detail removed by Moderator) as can’t bear to be at home as he’s not working but am completely exhausted. All I want is some counselling to sort my head out and give me strength. Can’t ring WA feel it’s too dramatic and like I said I won’t leave anyway.☹️
28th April 2019 at 12:30 pm #76779
All I did for years was treat the symptoms. Instead of treating the cause which is living with an abuser. I was prescribed drugs for many years making me foggy and ill with withdrawal symptoms. Making it easier for him to abuse me and use my mental health against me. I was being pumped full of drugs trying to cure a problem that was never mine. Please ring women’s aid. They won’t pressure you into doing anything but will help you understand the dynamics of abusers.
28th April 2019 at 12:42 pm #76780ScapegoatParticipant
I know you are right…funny how he seeks no help for ‘his problems’
Do they have an online chat? I’m worried about him finding out and then it really kicking off. Just don’t get why I can’t say” I don’t want to be with you anymore” Feels like I’m completely dramatic…need help am so confused and exhausted
29th April 2019 at 2:36 pm #76893
In a ‘normal’ relationship (as in non-abusive) you absolutely would be able to say ‘its over’ without any fear of bad consequences.
It’s the fact you can’t that tells you its abuse.
No-one fnds is easy to break from someone they love/d but there wouldn’t be a fear of overwhelming issues to follow from him.
Don’t worry about him, just you.
As far as I know, no there’s no line chat, onlynthe forum here. But its easy to leave a message for time thats safe for them to call you.
They might be able to email, but you can ask when you speak to them.
29th April 2019 at 2:37 pm #76894
29th April 2019 at 3:18 pm #76899
Can you find your local women’s aid. They often have drop ins or you can arrange an appointment. My outreach worker used to meet me in a coffee shop after the first few meetings. She was superb. I’ve ended relationships in the past and although initially painful I quickly moved on. You can recover from the end of a ‘normal’ relationship however most of us will never fully recover from an abusive one. I remember telling a psychologist years ago I was scared of my husband and if I ended it he would make my life hell. That’s not normal. That’s why we need help x
30th April 2019 at 5:12 pm #77019
We are let down over and again by those who don’t recognise the words as a result of abuse that women say to therapists.
How awful KIP being told to discuss arrangements with an abuser, you would have done this already if he was abusive.
The parenting course demanded by courts also pushes abuser and survivor together, despite the abuse in front of children at handover.
Always excusing abuse.
It’s so desperately disappointing.
I worry about the women who lose their lives to misguided counselling and lack of support.
Also court abuses. Many either avoid or risk further retraumatising through coercive court abuses. I’m thinking specifically at this moment of having to hand over phine in rape triad, where the court process and law STILL refuse to acknowledge that it all hinges on lack of consent.
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