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Hi ladies. I’m no longer with my abusive ex & we haven’t been together for some time. I’ve been dating – nothing serious with any one guy in particular, just a few dates here and there. I’m just having fun and not looking for anything serious. Anyways because of my experience with my ex I’ve been paying very close attention to anything that might be an early warning sign that a man is abusive.
Recently I just happened to be reading Lundy Bancroft’s book when I get a text from a guy I recently met & had been chatting with for a few weeks. To make a long story short he mentioned in a round about way that he was still married and would be divorced soon. I was shocked and upset because at no point prior to this had he mentioned he was married & going through a divorce. When I expressed my outrage to him it initiated a cascade of abusive tactics on his part:
-He blamed me for not knowing he was married & said that I didn’t know because I hadn’t taken the time to ask him enough questions about himself. That’s totally blame shifting! I caught on to what he was doing right away.
-He said I was selfish and cold for not having more empathy for him because he was going through a divorce. So basically he shifted the focus from him hiding the fact that he’s married to something I was supposedly doing wrong to him. My ex used to do stuff like that all the time!
-He said that because I work in a helping profession, he thought I’d have more empathy for him. Ladies, I know gaslighting when I see it!I was very proud of myself because right away I recognized this abuse tactics, I told him his behavior and the way he spoke to me was unacceptable, and I told him to never contact me again. So thankful to have learned so much from all of you.
Trust yourself ladies. Once you understand abuse and see how it manifests you cannot unsee it. Trust yourself ❤️
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Singkemumsurvivor, this post is amazing…. the way you describe his tactics… well spotted… has it helped your confidence knowing you spotted early signs and told him his behaviour was unacceptable 👏 ❤️ I love hearing your self worth, that you trust yourself…
The reason why I love this post is because a few of my friends and I have been asking each other whether or not we would spot the signs of abuse early on… your post gives me hope
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Thank you so much Hereforhelp! It definitely has helped my confidence a ton to know that I spotted the signs early & that I trusted myself. With my ex, things happened very early on that didn’t seemed right, but I kept doubting myself & convincing myself I was overreacting. I promised myself that this time around I will immediately end contact the first time a man disrespects me, blame shifts, gaslights me or does anything else that might be an early indication of future abuse. I’ve come too far to give up my power again ❤️
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Hi singlemomsurvivor,
I love this, you’re so spot on 🙂 I wonder why he’s getting divorced… ?!
I’m pretty sure if you’d have given him more time to work his ‘charm’ on you he’d have told you how poorly his wife was treating him and how awful she’d been behaving and he’d have painted himself as ‘the victim’.
I went on a date many years ago with a guy. From my DA training I have a list of 3 questions I want answers to on a first date, so I incorporate these in a round-a-bout way of making conversation and being interested in them and wanting them to talk about themselves. One guy answered with an absolutely horrendous account of his ex partner (the mother of his child) and spoke about her so disrespectfully that I knew there and then that I was going to cut this date short and not see him again. If a man can’t speak respectfully about an ex, despite their differences and separation then that speaks volumes to me. I’ve also had a guy tell me on a first date how awful he’d had it with a previous partner and she’d taken a Restraining Order out on him all based on a load of lies. I didn’t see him again either!
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Those are brilliant questions to ask early on and I’m definitely going to start doing that! I’m sure my ex is badmouthing me to whoever he is dating & telling them all sorts of lies about me. Hopefully they catch on that his description is completely one sided and paints him as the helpless victim. You are right that we can learn a lot from the way a man speaks about his ex partner. I’m going to start asking dates about their past relationships.
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When I first started dating my ex he were going through divorce at the time. He hadn’t a right word for his ex wife she needed (detail removed by Moderator) he said unstable etc and of course all her fault.i later discovered (detail removed by Moderator). I wish I’d of gone at the beginning but better late than never…
Xx
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For me I would hope I could see signs early on when dating again, but what about women who haven’t been in DA relationships prior , that come along a guy who downplays his part , blames the ex for everything, would they see any red flags ? Or would they think ahhh poor guy , his ex sounds a nightmare! I would hope every woman embarking on a new relationship would pick up on signals , but I don’t think this aspect of DA is highlighted enough . Automatically if you say I was in an abusive relationship we are stereotyped as a battered woman , but there are many other aspects of DA that are not emphasised enough on , then that makes the person think , well was i , in an abusive relationship? He never hit me ! That’s why I fear so many get away with what they do as DA should cover all aspects , be it emotional, financially, coercive control , sexual abuse etc . It’s not just physical , not every woman has to flee her home and run to refuge luckily , I think that’s why red flags are not picked up early on as it’s not been talked enough about , people don’t know what to look out for or what is a danger sign x
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I absolutely agree with you! In hindsight I can identify things my ex said or did within the first few months of us dating that were abusive & early indications of future abuse. One thing he did early on that I didn’t recognize as being abusive at the time was go out of his way to stare at other women when we were out together. He didn’t do it all the time, which made it easy for me to overlook it. But when he did do it he was obvious about it, and when I would later try to talk to him about how it made me uncomfortable he would first deny that he had done it (gaslighting) & then acknowledge he had done it but that I was overly sensitive (also gaslighting). Also when we would go out to eat he would always be looking in another direction away from me & be randomly looking around at people or things in the restaurant. At the time I thought to myself oh he’s just an inquisitive person who is really curious about the world so he finds it hard to focus on just me when we’re out. Now I know that he was purposely doing that, just like he was purposely staring at other women, as a tactic to make me feel insignificant, insecure & unimportant.
If I met a guy now who did any of those things I would drop him like a hot potato, run & never look back. But back then I didn’t know much of anything about emotional abuse so all those early signs slipped past me. Now I know. Abuse can be so hard to spot.
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Not all red flags of behaviour necessarily mean a man is an abuser, but I do agree that we need to recognise the behaviours of a man in the early stages of dating and use these to have the confidence to end a relationship when we feel disrespected, ignored or uninteresting to them.
Sadly, too many people (men and women) do not like or want to be on their own, and many people will ‘make do’ with someone because it’s better than being alone. Many years ago I was that woman, and I ‘made do’ with someone and tried to make him fit with what I wanted from a relationship. When it became apparent that we were not compatible I compromised my ideals and continued to ‘make do’ and ultimately became very unhappy. My ex has never been on his own and always had affairs before moving on to his next victim, so I know now with hindsight that even though we were not compatible, he made do with me and continued to make do with me until he did find someone else (which I had no idea about until I’d left him.) He would never have left me to be on his own.
When we stay with someone we are not happy or compatible with this leads to further unhappiness, which leads to lack of care, empathy, thoughtfulness, sympathy, love and tolerance. This then leads to misery, anger, frustration, stress, anxiety, depression and abuse.
It wasn’t until I went to a DA refuge and had professional input that I became educated in what to look for in a partner and what to dismiss. Once I learned that, it was life changing and I’ve very quickly been able to walk away from someone and not pursue something.
I had one occasion where I’d been on a few dates with a guy I liked and we made firm plans to go out for a meal one evening, probably for our fifth date. During that afternoon he sent me a text message telling me we’d have to take a rain check on that meal as his friends were ‘dragging him out’ to watch some sport. I replied with a “no problem, enjoy your afternoon” and made my mind up there and then that I’d not see him again because he had simply shown me what I was worth to him – which was nothing. If he’d have been genuinely interested in me he would have told his friends that he had plans that night and would have refused to go. When he rang me the next day I told him I didn’t want to see him again and explained why, and then he further showed his true self and told me that I was too full of myself and who did I think I was?! lol, so I knew I’d made the right decision. Now, without my professional input and education about standards I would have previously accepted it was ‘early days’ in seeing someone and fully accepted I was being cancelled on for a night out with his mates and left myself open to being used and let down when it suited him time and time again. I have no idea if this man was an abuser or not, but he showed he was unreliable in the early stages and that was enough for me to draw a line under any potential relationship with him and walk away. I’ve never seen or heard of him since.
Signs to be wary of when dating someone new are:
Dating someone who does something you dislike from the start in the hope you can change them. Example of this is dating a smoker when you hate smoking and hoping you can persuade them to give up, dating a heavy drinker and hoping he will cut down if you ask him.
Constantly talking about an ex partner, especially when it’s with vitriol and disrespect.
A reluctance to make plans for another date (you suggest a day and he replies something like “I’m not sure what I’m doing yet, I’ll let you know” – most people can commit to a definite yes or no at the time – saying they’ll let you know is keeping their options open for something they think will be better.)
Someone who makes a confirmed plan and then cancels it (I should imagine less than 1% of second or third dates really do get cancelled because someone in the family has had a medical emergency, serious car crash or died, so these sorts of excuses for cancelling are a huge warning sign.)
Awkward silences or difficulties keeping a conversation going. No matter how attracted you are to someone they are not going to become what you want them to be if you really struggle with a connection and conversation from the start. There is a great Matthew Hussey video that explains how we get fixated on someone because we have an attraction for them and then we project our ideas of what we want them to be on to them and try and convince ourselves that they are the person we want them to be.
The main lesson for us is to know what we are looking for in a partner and to quickly move on from dates when we are finding that they do not meet OUR needs/requirements.
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Dating after abuse is such a minefield I’m dabbling but finding it all pretty confusing! Singlemomsurvivor yes that thing of being out for a meal!!! my ex did exactly that looking at others or over my shoulder or not talking. Never seen that written down or clocked it before but that has taken me right back. Other times he would focus just on me. But you are right it was yet another little tactic – he had me exactly where he wanted for so long just messing with my mind so he could do the terrible things he did. I’m so relieved to be out. Thank you all for the helpful posts on red flags and dating x
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It took me such a long time to realize the ignoring me in restaurants thing was a form of abuse. I think I actually just pieced it together this week . Im no longer with my ex & I find that the more time that passes the more I’m able to see how there were so many different ways that he abused me. It’s like now that I’m not with him and I’m safe my mind is able to start processing and sorting through everything that happened to me.
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Wow! This is what scares me so much about dating again. I feel like i am going to see it in even action! It’s like I’m almost waiting for it almost. To see it. I dont know. I dont think I am ready to date yet anyway but it does fill me wirh dread that I am going to be looking for it. Nor trusting anyone.
Everything you just said also, my abuser used to say to me. And i fell for it all. “Oh gosh, I didn’t ask him, maybe he has s point.” Even though I felt like I hadn’t done anything wrong. Madness isn’t it. I went no contact by god I wish i could confront the man some times now I know and am stronger. Does anyone wver feel like that?! I know i can’t and I won’t by my g, I want to!!
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You will know when you’re ready to date again. If you don’t feel ready, that is totally ok ❤️. I definitely don’t feel ready to be in a relationship because after what I experienced with my ex, I’m not ready to be open & vulnerable yet. I am comfortable going on a causal date here and there, but I’m not sure when I’ll feel ready to pursue more than that. Take your time. You’ll know when you’re ready.
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