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I posted a while back about an abusive relationship I had recently come out of. Although it is over, I still get the angry messages. I don’t block him, because part of me feels I need to see if he is making any more threats. Like it’s better to know than to not know somehow… By documenting his threats I was able to get the police involved and make it all stop.
But this doesn’t stop altogether the messages I get from him. Something I’ve been getting thrown at me over and over again. Money. All the money he “blew” on me. As though I was just some sort of investment that failed to meet its potential. You know, when you’re with someone, you spend money on each other, you take each other out, you buy each other gifts, tickets to shows, etc, etc. Whilst I paid for all I could, he earned much more than me so my input wouldn’t have been the same, in pounds and pence. But I never really thought of it. I was really grateful and felt very lucky to be with someone so ‘caring’, but then I’d been in similar situations in the past where my boyfriend made less money than me, and I would’ve paid for holidays, etc. Never expected anything back when we went our separate ways!
Now, I keep getting the ‘reminders’. The “£X*X I paid on parts for your cooker when I fixed it for you,” the “X*X I spent at the pet shop for dog food for YOUR dog when you were short on cash,” etc, etc, etc. (examples only, no need to delete, Moderator). That ‘type’ of thing. I gave him lots of things too, but I never would dream of asking for them back, or ask for reimbursements, as it’s all part of being in a relationship. He thinks I should ‘reimburse’ him for every penny he spent on me.
I KNOW it’s all about ‘control’. I know that in my head. But it makes me feel awful. It makes me feel afraid to ever let anyone ever ‘help’ me again, that they will just use it later against me to make me feel bad.
And some people wonder why women are often hesitant to let men ‘pick up the bill’, treat them to anything, women always feeling they need to ‘split’ everything to make sure that the man doesn’t use it against them later, or that the ‘gesture’ doesn’t come with any ‘expectations’, anything they can use as some tool of ownership later.
Does anyone else feel that way? Afraid to ever let a man be kind to them again? Afraid to take a gift, or a meal, or help of any kind? Not ever again?
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Ugh- he sounds so much like my ex.
When I filed for divorce, I got a stream of horrible texts, saying how he’d ‘bankrolled’ me and ‘paid for everything.’
In fact, though I was earning less, I paid for masses, and was always down to zero by the end of the month. He, meanwhile, was siphoning money away.
Proof that he didn’t pay for everything was that all he could pathetically say was that he’d bought us the family car and bought me (!) a washing-machine.
Well, I am pretty sure he claimed tax relief for the car against work expenses, and how was the washing-machine for me?
Like your ex, any thing he did give I can look back and see that it was because he was thinking strategically that it was something he would benefit from. So, I needed a car for work to earn money to pay for many things. And I needed a washing-machine to do the family laundry.
He found giving without any potential reward for himself positively painful. Like if he was forced into a situation where he had to dip his hand into his ample pocket, you could see him grimace, like it was physically hurting him to give out to his family. The pain etched on his face!
I can understand how you feel. His horrible texts, measuring the relationship by pound signs, made me feel worthless. It was like all the emotion and care I had invested – even towards his family- counted for nothing. I was being assessed in terms of monetary terms.
Being told he ‘bankrolled me’ hurt because I knew it wasn’t true. He’d only given out the essential – and not even that. I was the one who was without savings; he had thousands tucked away.
It made me feel so traumatised being spoken to like that. But I grave realised, he was speaking from his own stance – from a place where he cares about nothing except money, and using people. He doesn’t enjoy giving for the sake of giving, of giving to make those he loves happy. In fact, I don’t think he can love. I think he thinks he’s so great, that blessing people with his presence is enough!
They are modern-day Scrooges. They will become meaner and more lonely as they age. They will never experience the joy of giving.
Not everyone is like that. Normal people enjoy giving g and making others happy.
Don’t let his self-seeking criticisms affect your self-esteem. He’s coming from a place of pure and pathological selfishness. Your expectations were perfectly normal for within a relationship.
I think us ladies all appear to have given too much to others in the past, and not given enough to ourselves. It’s time that we have what we need to ourselves without feeling selfish or guilty. Hopefully in the future you will find a relationship ( if that’s what you want!) based on honesty and transparency, where you can both give freely without expectation or without any keeping of tabs or IOUs.
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Thank you! 🙂
Yes, money is often used as a means of control, in all sorts of scenarios. All the threats I received were based on money once I’d refused to go back for more abuse… i.e. “If you don’t reimburse me (or return to me) I’ll make your life hell.” A sort of ‘last resort’ to get you back on board, and used merely as a guilt trip, and to make you feel worthless, so worthless that you are more easily drawn back into the trap.
He even demanded his potato peeler back!!! FFS…
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Hi Caterina,
His behaviour is definitely not normal about money, most normal people understand that relationships cost money for both people and if it doesn’t work out then tough luck, it’s just about life. People who buy things then expect things in return are awful, deluded and controlling people.
My ex was similar but different in that he was extremely, extremely tight with money. He never once bought me a drink or a meal out! He occasionally offered but I could tell he really didn’t want to so I always just mumbled that I would pay for myself. I always felt so bad like I was a golddigger hoping he might occasionally want to buy me something, I even had to buy the food I ate round at his house when I always bought all the food we ate at my house! I too felt worthless and very disappointed in his behaviour. My non-abusive boyfriend from years ago was nothing like this so there are normal men out there who are generous and don’t use money to control and threaten women.
Were the police able to issue him with a harassment warning? They did to my ex so thankfully all the hoovering messages have so far stopped, it’s such a relief. My phone has a useful thing where I can block his number but it logs any calls and messages in a blocked messages folder, this was great to show the police for evidence. Since then I’ve changed my number and blocked his number and emails etc and it’s really helped, having him contact me all the time felt like I was getting sucked back in despite the fact that I wasn’t replying. Could you try this approach too?
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So you had to ALSO pay for the money you ate round his house???!!! Jeez what a cheek.
The police offered to issue him with a warning, but at the time I was afraid to have them do it because I thought it would throw coals onto the fire and make him do something crazy. So in the end I told him that I had spoken to the police, they’d been round twice (which they had), and they had created a reference number with all the details of my problems. I told him that if he threatened me one more time I would definitely get the police involved. That stopped the threats, but it didn’t stop the nasty emails. I will look into doing what you say and blocking the number but logging messages, I can do the same with email. It’s just always me wanting to ‘stay on top of the situation’ and know if he’s about to do something so I can react before it happens!
The thing with money, as has been said here, is it’s just not about ‘money’. It ends up being a tool to subjugate and dominate and control. Whether it’s withheld from a lower-earning wife or a stay-at-home mum, or demanded back with threats by an ex. Money they KNOW you don’t have. That’s why they do it. And although part of your brain (and all your friends) tell you you are not worthless, there’s another part of your brain that keeps telling you you are. It works, what they do. And that can be a very big deal because worthlessness can end up with self-harming and even people taking their own lives.
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Wow this post Caterina just sums up my husband. He earns considerably more than me so we were never on an equal footing but that wasn’t the problem EVERYTHING he did . bought for me for me gets thrown in my face… so now that we are separated its like how can you do this I have done SO MUCH for you, and all the things he lists are all money things. I bought you a car, I paid x*x for our wedding, I paid for holidays, I bought you clothes etc. When he did these things it was all done with no of course I want to, you need a better car or can I bring you back anything from my trip, I’ll pay for that of course all masked with kindness. Now I realise it was all about control and it was all there to be thrown in my face. If we were still together I would NEVER EVER accept anything from him again as it’s all used against me. And I do wonder if I find myself in a new relationship down the line years from now, I can so see myself being hesitant to accept ANYTHING from that partner. When we were together he used to say I was spoilt all the time and him earning so much more than me definitely made him feel like he had somehow “rescued” me. When I still have a very good job etc. I’ve been called a gold digger a million times.
You are so right money ends up being a tool to control and dominate. KIP is so right the sooner we go NC with these men the better. Now you are out of the relationship can you do this?
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Yes, I’m getting that ‘NC’ is the only way. As I said before the only reason I carried on reading messages was because I wanted to stay ‘on top of the game’, in case some nasty threat or warning came through. A bit like constantly watching the radar in case an invader releases missiles in your direction – gives you time to run! But I also realise that the more someone who wants to control you thinks you are watching or listening, the more they will use that against you and continue to try and make you feel vulnerable.
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Ring the helpline nember on here. Youre clearly still traumatised. Keeping tabs on his texts brings terrible anxiety and keeps you locked into the dysfunction. I thought i could handle it too but you dont get a warning before they attack. Mine was all compromise and being adult about things on the outside while inside he was seething and desperately trying to keep control of the situation, or so he thought. The best thing to do is send a warning text or just block his number/email etc. You cant handle this yourself. If he wont take no for an answer then its time to involve the police. Remember these men are most dangerous when we end a relationship. Stay safe x
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I kept his texts coming for a few months after he left.
This is because it was like he’s finally taken off the mask and he was suddenly showing me what he was capable of and who he truly was. I almost wanted to read them- though traumatising- because I needed to know who I was really dealing with.
He’d projected so much blame on to me during my marriage: now here was the evidence that it wasn’t me. His awful texts were showing me the real him. It helped me come to terms with reality and to see that my previous self-blame and denial about him was wrong.
However, there came a point ( once he’d shown me quite a bit of who he truly was) that I had to cut him off. I had discovered who he really was, and continuing the contact was rubbing salt into my wounds and prolonging the abuse.
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