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Hi all,
I was recently in a physically abusive relationship and I kept going back to him again and again – totally hooked and miserable. But it’s over now and I can really feel the difference, I am getting stronger everyday and missing him less and less.
However, I have also met someone new now, he is very kind, sweet and affectionate. But I am quite wary of dating now and I am worried about ‘Love-bombing’. This guy has been constantly showering me with compliments, saying i’m beautiful, gorgeous etc etc he took me out and paid for everything, he texts me constantly, all day long, saying he can’t stop thinking about me, loads and loads of love heart emojis and kisses etc etc …. we’ve only had one date!!!
My abusive ex didn’t ‘love-bomb’ me and never said a nice thing about me so it actually feels amazing to have someone treat me so nicely! But….. what are the differences between love-bombing as a red flag (detail removed by moderator) abuse and just genuine flattery, interest and affection? I don’t want to run away when he might be genuine.
Thank you
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After one date this seems a little weird… I know it’s not a behaviour I would ever have been comfortable with. Actually pre-abuse I dated a man a little like this and found it somewhat smothering. I would definitely put my guard up a bit. I would also suggest maybe telling him that the continual texting, compliments etc, while flattering, are making you slightly uncomfortable as it is so early in your relationship. If he takes this on board then you proceed with caution (I am afraid all relationships post abuse have to proceed with caution, because we can be very vulnerable). And if he doesn’t change his behaviour you know that he doesn’t respect your boundaries, and therefore he isn’t a good boyfriend for you. I definitely found when I started dating again that having inflexible boundaries helped me spot the men I should avoid more easily. I was internet dating, in a small community, so I refused to tell which village I was from, and which type of car I drive until after we had met – in a public place. Three strikes and they were out. The first ask got a light-hearted no. The second got an outright no, and your persistence is making me uncomfortable. Ask a third time and they got blocked. Seems harsh maybe, but I ended up with the nicest boyfriend imaginable, nicer than anyone I had ever dated, or had a crush on even before the abuse, but I am pretty happy that complete inflexibility in boundaries in the early stages of dating won’t scare off the right man. And based on the verbal s**t some of the men gave me online for not giving them enough details to stalk me if they wanted to I dodged some pretty unpleasant bullets too…
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Goodness this behaviour would make me run the opposite direction. He is clearly love bombing you. Not even taking the time to get to know who you truly are, just showering you, harassing you and suffocating you. That’s how I view some overwhelming attention like this.
The difference between genuine flattery and interest and love bombing is the pace I think.
When you have to slow a man down I think it isn’t a good sign. He is not paying attention to the rhythm you are feeling comfortable with, he is not checking in with you he is just constantly harassing you and imposing his ways. Imagine you would go out, get together and then break it off. His behaviour now is very indicative of what it would be like in the future. He would most probably not take no for an answer and stalk and harass you.
Try saying no to him about the next date or ask him to stop sending you texts altogether and observe his reactions. A normal reaction would be to respect your wish and stop immediately and perhaps apologise to you.
My guess is this one will find an excuse and explain to you ‘why’ he is doing this. It’s not the same.Take good care of yourself and keep safe online okay 💕
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