Red flags

[Redpanda123]

I’m back in therapy as have been suffering from depression and I’m still obsessing about a failed relationship and if I saw red flags, chose to ignore them, didn’t realise they were red flags, or was hyper vigilant or triggered?

1. Was quick to initiate sexual activity
2. Said I was a dirty b***** and could watch porn together, would I go away with him, he should marry me. 1st night
3). Had to go to court to gain access to his children
4) said his ex accused him of hitting her
5) said his ex cheated on him with 2 of his friends
6) said his ex stole money
7) said all his ex had to do was behave
8) on (detail removed by Moderator) occasions criticised his exes weight and said she used to be attractive
9) didn’t respond to messages. Broke up
10) sent a msg, didn’t respond for (detail removed by Moderator)
11) said we were on different trajectories, why didn’t I move abroad rent my house out. Slept with me anyway.
12) didn’t contact me when Ill. Twice in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks
13) kept saying he was busy, could see me for a few hours once a fortnight.

Was I too unreasonable when I wasn’t contacted when ill. I know I have abandonment issues. I’m confused.

[Redpanda123]

I’d forgotten these ones too
I was going away shortly after I met him. Said he wasn’t happy about that.
Asked me to tell him if I slept with anyone else.I thought was weird.
Asked what I was going to do with my clothes.
(I have quite a few) he’d had a good look round my house
Said he could see me moving somewhere high up. My house had bad energy.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Redpanda123,

When I read the list that you have written, then yes, there is a list of a lot of red flags there, but these men don’t come to us on day one and reel off all of their past and issues in a list like that. Additionally, if you have never been aware of red flags in abusive relationships and had no idea what behaviours to look for, how would you know how to spot them? I’m guessing these things dawned on you bit by bit and any doubts you may have had were explained away?

When we meet someone we like we look for the best in them and ignore the worst. We invest ourselves in to people because WE like THEM, and we don’t step back and see if they are invested in us in return. Do they give us space to be ourselves, do they infiltrate our lives and take over, or do they come and go as they please and not contact us in the meantime? We don’t see the love bombing as a danger sign that things are moving too quick, instead we feel flattered by it and see it as a compliment, and we don’t see the distancing and disinterest as a warning either, instead we try harder to make them want us.

I fell foul of all of this too. I had many chances to walk away from my abuser for good, but every time I tried, my insecurities and fear of being alone took over and we would get back together. I begged him to come back one time even though he made me miserable. My DA counselling was so important to help me see what had gone on in the relationship and to see the signs to try and avoid abuse in future relationships. I was fortunate that my counselling came very quickly after final separation as it was provided by the refuge I was in, but without it, I’d probably be none the wiser.

I think being back in therapy is a good thing for you, especially if the therapist is experienced with DA. It’s not good going back and tormenting yourself over what you could have done differently, it’s learning from the past and recognising the signs so that it doesn’t happen again.

And in answer to your last question… yes, it was unreasonable of him not to contact you if he knew you were ill and he cared deeply about you, but no if he didn’t actually care about you at all. Do any of us bother checking in on people we don’t care about?

[Redpanda123]

Thank you. I grew up in a violent household, neglectful mother, bipolar father. Imprisoned (detail removed by moderator). Then my mother married a worse guy and I was kicked out. I spent (detail removed by moderator) on and off with a psychological, emotional abuser. I wished he had hit me. There was definitely a trauma bond there. He too would not contact me, disappear. Put photos of other women he was seeing in his house. Allegedly hit the other woman. I worked in a (detail removed by moderator) at the tome and had women coming up saying they’d been with him. He wouldn’t finish with me. Kept me dangling. I asked for clarity, to which he’d said we weren’t that serious. Yet previously had said there’s a (detail removed by moderator), you should marry me then divorce snd take half my money. He then said wait (detail removed by moderator). I did subconsciously. Then he got engaged after (detail removed by moderator). Now divorced. I then got involved with someone who was physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years. I’ve also dated a lot of liars, a con artist and men who lied about being single. Also ones who were selfish and only interested in their own needs. I had no problem in discarding them. But this guy blindsided me. He’s seeing someone else now, I hadn’t thought about him for over a year. But then I got upset, but yes he was inconsiderate and selfish. But I still need to build self esteem, see red flags better. I’ve had friends treat me badly too. Which compounds the loneliness. Thanks for your advice.

[Redpanda123]

I also nearly got engaged after I finished my 1st lot of therapy. He love bombed, so I’m familiar with that. He criticised me, said I didn’t (detail removed by moderator) and wanted me to shout out sexual experiences I’d had with other men when we had sex. He took coke too, not good in his job. Luckily he dumped me. I was relieved. He was starting to be controlling etc. I saw those red flags.

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