Red flags

[Buildmeupbuttercup]

I don’t think my boyfriend is abusing me but there are definitely red flags and I’m worried his behaviour could turn abusive. I have very few friends but he asked me to stop being friends with a guy because he thought he had a crush on me – my friend had not flirted with me or done anything inappropriate. When I am staying with my boyfriend, he micromanages me and when I’m staying with my family, he does things that I believe are attempts to slowly isolate me from them. He raises his voice at me when he’s clearly annoyed at me but when I call it out he makes an excuse – there was a (detail removed by moderator), etc. I’m staying with my family right now so I’ve been able to have physical space (which I need because he frightened me) whilst still talking over the phone. I’ve been telling him I’m concerned that he’s controlling because of many things that he’s done, but he always comes back with excuses – “you should’ve said no/ brought it up in the moment”. He also says he’s not a controlling person because his (detail removed by moderator) (I’ve said multiple times that he’s nothing like her). I keep bringing up my concerns about his behaviour and he gets annoyed every time so I don’t want to keep bringing it up anymore. He’s not mean, he just uses a nasty tone of voice. There are some things that I feel like I couldn’t say to him, like that I sometimes feel pressured into sex – I know he would make me feel like a horrible person for feeling that. I’m starting to feel like it may be best to leave him but I’m definitely not ready to – I want to wait and see if he changes. I need to ask you ladies, if someone you really loved was showing these red flags, would you be scared? Would you wait and see if he gets better or worse? He has a lot of good qualities that I haven’t mentioned.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, your partner is minimising your concerns by making excuses… you have pointed out the behaviours which you are not happy with . Abuse or not you deserve to be listened to, respected and certainly not controlled. In my experience the abuse started similar to what you have written but it escalated over many many years.. so in the beginning the smaller things my husband said/did (my ex was very controlling and he used his awful past to excuse his behaviours, he could also be extremely kind, thoughtful..it is a pattern).

I would suggest to keep a journal when he is nasty to you.
Also, Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is a good book to learn about different types of abuse. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is also a good book…

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

[BlueberryField]

This is how my relationship started too, after few years it escalated into total coercive control, manipulations, gaslighting, emotional and physical abuse.

I have been friends with a younger boy for years before my relationship started. He was like a little brother to me, I never looked at him like at a potential boyfriend, same was with him he looked at me like at an older sister. As soon as our relationship started he was extremely jealous and paranoid so I stopped talking to him and lost a good friend. Same happened with my male cousin. I mean that was my COUSIN. I wish I reacted to all of those red flags back then, before I lost anyone. He did the same with my family for a long time and still does. But this is one thing I am holding onto and even told him I will not lose my mother over someone who cannot even a tiiiiny bit respect me.
He would always avoid talking about the issues in the beginning, saying Im overreacting or overthinking.

You shouldn’t feel intimidated or frightened by your partner, end of.

[Buildmeupbuttercup]

Thank you for your replies. I have read “Why does he do that?” and it has made me able to identify a lot of other tactics he has been using. I wish that I could’ve seen what he has been doing to me sooner. Now when I bring these things up he says I should’ve brought them up at the time and has an endless list of justifications. He has never hit me but I know that a lot of psychologically abusive/ coercive controlling partners turn violent after they are left, especially if they’re very possessive/ controlling/ depressed, all of which he is. He knows my address, my (detail removed by moderator) and all the different routes I take. I feel like even if I do leave him, I will be living in fear until I move away. I want to talk to my friends about what I’m going through more but I’m worried they will not want to be friends with me anymore if I stay with him and they know everything he’s done.

[Happybelle]

Please don’t wait and see if he changes. Your gut instinct will be the right one. I’m sorry that I didn’t act on my very first red flag instinct and I am regretting it now.
I would suggest talking with your friends…..they may surprise you. Mine certainly did and I could not be more supported now that I have and they are a phone call away for when the moment is right for action.

[Buildmeupbuttercup]

I have left him now and I think about him constantly. Everyday I feel like I want to go back to him.

[AloneWolf]

Well done for leaving him, you really have done the right thing. Like others have said, I wish I had listened to my instincts when I noticed the first red flag, or the second, or the third… they are very clever at manipulating us and making us want to stay (or go back). I stupidly ignored my instincts and before I knew it I had bought a house and married him, all the while knowing deep down that I should’ve run away. Why did I do that? I felt trapped in a rabbit hole and getting deeper and deeper. But I also loved him and wanted so badly to help him and show him I wasn’t like his exs, who he perceives as bad people because they abandoned him. Now I’m on that list too because I also left. He can’t see why! Just blames everyone else. You have absolutely done the right thing, please hold on to that. You deserve better – we all do!

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