Rediscovering my true self after abusive relationship

[Yellowrosegirl]

Hi there,

I have very recently (detail removed by moderator) built the courage to leave a very toxic and abusive relationship of (detail removed by moderator) I have packed all of my life from the home i shared with them and moved back to my parents home. I have been in a constant battle with myself for the last 2 years being fearful of my future and if my life will ever change for the better. But i finally have found the strength to stand up for what is right for me and to set new standards for what i will tolerate in my life.
Although it is all so raw, i am scared to divulge into distractions rather than actively processing my past and what i have been through. I don’t want to fall into old habits and go back to this person like i have in the past.

Just wondering if anyone in a similar position may share their experience of leaving a relationship or even some advice on how i can rediscover my true self and move forward, following life with a manipulator? I am so grateful to have found this forum as not a single person around me in my personal life knows of the physical violence i have been a victim of over (detail removed by moderator), and i feel comfortable speaking to those who understand and can relate in some way to what i have been through.

So far, I have started therapy today to hopefully help me find myself again and reconnect with self love. I have reconnected with old friends and surrounded myself with an incredibly supportive family. I am doing everything i think there is i can do to help keep me focussed on my personal growth and general wellbeing. But i really feel i need some reassurance/words of affirmation to help me keep focussed.

Thanks for reading 🙂

[Camel]

Hello Yellowrosegirl,

It sounds as if you fear you’ll go back if you don’t keep the focus on recovery and personal change. I agree it’s important to reflect on your experiences, set boundaries etc. but this will take time. So it’s important to allow yourself to look forward as well as back. Therapy will help, for sure, but so will doing things that, on the face of it, have nothing to do with working on yourself. Do at least one thing every day purely for the fun of it. Find pleasure in the small things. Slow down and appreciate the here and now. Get plenty of rest.

[Shura]

First of all, be proud of yourself for leaving and prepare for what is coming. it is good to surround yourself with network of support, keep all of them close to you but leave some alone time so you can process and reflect. What we dont realize when we get out of these horrible relationships is that we need to cry, be angry, confused and all the other emotions we might have. its is essential to feel all of them so we can get better. Dont bottle up none of your emotions and remember that it is Okay to feel all of them. You have had traumatic experience and people around you will make you feel better but if you wont allow yourself time to process those feelings will come out at some point in the future. Do what feels right in the moment but do it for you, noone else. What helped me was gym. Been doing it for years now and i have caught myself in a weird place where ive realized that i enjoy my life and my abuser is out of my thoughts, everything he has ever done or said is not with me anymore. Find something for you that will help you mentally but dont force yourself to shut off the feelings in the moment. Trust me you need to go through darkness before you see the light x*x

[cakepops]

My advice would be to really take your time. I had counselling early on after leaving the relationship and I think in a way it was too soon. It helped with the aftermath of actually leaving, but not the longer term trauma. So don’t necessarily expect everything to be resolved all at once.

Its been several years for me, but I still struggle sometimes to know who I actually am. I spent so long trying to placate my ex that its all very muddled. I am getting there though, and have a great support network and new interests. Some things I thought I wanted to focus on in the first couple of years after leaving weren’t actually right for me after all. So take time to try things, and see it as a process of discovery not a quick fix.

[Strongenough]

Brilliant you have left and are now safe, so glad you have a supportive family to rely on. I used to be so focused on getting back the old me, the me before the abusive relationship. I spent a long time being frustrated that it wasn’t happening. I’ve now made peace with the fact I’ve evolved as a different person.

Just concentrate on you and set some small future goals to keep you looking forward. I done this through therapy and they were as small as watching a 30 min TV show per night that I chose. My trauma therapy came much later. When you’ve been living on high alert for years and by someone else’s rules it takes time to settle into your new normal. Just remember your strong, your worthy and now your free, enjoy making your new life xx

[StrongLife]

Good on you for leaving and having those yrs to recover. It’s very difficult- and great you are booking a counsellor.

There are plenty of counsellors out there with specific knowledge of domestic violence. I am sure they can help

[ABALTP]

Hi, it is so true you need to work out what is right for you. I tried to leave in (detail removed by Moderator) after (detail removed by Moderator) years but only really managed it when he went one step too far and now his bail conditions keep him away, otherwise nothing would. I have therapy which is good, I run, I dance, I do all the things I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do to find out what I like and who I am. I think it will take a long time to find out. I’m not good at introspection so I’m hitting this thing at 100mph and saying yes to everything. Accepting my brain just isn’t ready to do some things yet is hard but important.

What I think I’m trying to say is there are no rules anymore and maybe that’s one of the hardest things so I just go with a little self test every day and ask myself does this feel good? And when you find those moments of joy hold on and maybe do it again.

[Author]

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